Self-improvement expands the reach of God’s love

Step 10: We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

I’ve seen plenty of people get tired of living a recovery lifestyle, and it’s not hard to understand why. There’s a few different things at play here. On the one hand, it makes total sense that some people don’t want to be defined by their substance use disorder their entire lives and, when they’re stable enough, no longer put recovery at the center of their lives. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Some people can do that and be totally fine and we all get to choose what we prioritize in our lives.

Others find themselves exhausted with the never-ending nature of self-improvement. This, too, is a totally legitimate frustration. It’s discouraging to think that no matter how much we do, or for how long, we’re never quite there. I don’t really have a solution for this particular problem either. People aren’t their best selves when they're discouraged and feeling hopeless (or simply lack hope) about their progress.

For me, there is tension here. I admire the 12 steps commitment to a process. The end goal (becoming a certain type of person) isn’t as important as continuing to try to move towards becoming the kind of person we aspire to be. This is a hard thing to dedicate ourselves to over time because it would really be nice to have a clear destination.

Perhaps there are little destinations on the way. Perhaps sobriety anniversaries are little destinations. Actually- no- they’re big destinations. They’re certainly huge accomplishments and milestones. And then we’re told to continue to take a personal inventory and that the process is ongoing. This could be discouraging, in a way. But it doesn’t have to be.

I’ll invoke spirituality here for a second. This isn’t a part of the 12 steps, but it is a part of our way of seeing at NSC. God’s work in our lives is ongoing. He is shaping all of creation into the best possible version of itself, including people. That process takes quite a bit of time and will likely extend long after each of us is gone. It’s in our best interests then to commit to a process of being transformed slowly over time rather than to think of our work as becoming “perfect.” As many have said, the process is the destination. And, if we can commit to the beauty of a process, then we can relax knowing that ultimately it is God’s work to perfect us and that we don’t need to be anywhere other than where we are.

Another way to say this would be something like: It’s okay to be right where you are. I don’t mean that in a half-hearted way either, as if it’s only okay to be right where you are for now but we need to see progress or we’re moving on. No, I mean it wholeheartedly. Like this: Nothing about you needs to change in order for God to fully love you.

That’s a hard message to sit with, embrace, accept, internalize. For some of you, the work is probably to stop right here and read no further. That might be all the message you need.

I don’t want to stop there, though. Because, for me, and I’ll just keep this part with myself, I view it as a sign of hope to continue working on myself even as God works on me. I view it as a call, even. Not because I need to get straightened out in order to be love but because it’s courageous and hopeful to believe that God’s creation can be redeemed and restored and that I can participate in that. Again, for me, that participation looks like trying to commit to the process of living a life according to God’s values so that I become a more and more accurate reflection of God’s love to the world around me. In the process, I am trusting that this somehow contributes to the work God is doing in His creation.

In preparation for this post, I read a reflection on step 10 from Dale and Juanita Ryan where they quoted these verses:

23 Those who hear but don’t do the word are like those who look at their faces in a mirror. 24 They look at themselves, walk away, and immediately forget what they were like.

James 1:23-24, CEB

I believe these words dovetail nicely with the idea of allowing ourselves to be a work in progress, but they also add an element: diligence. The process of becoming requires a continued self-examination over time. It requires us to continue to be honest with ourselves. To look inside and see what’s really there and to both accept it and deal with it. As opposed to looking at ourselves, seeing what’s there, and walking away because we refuse to believe that more is possible.

That’s ultimately what’s going on here. If we look at our faces in the mirror and walk away and forget what we look like, it’s not because we’re complacent or bad or wrong. It’s because we lost the hope and confidence that more is possible for us if we stick to the path.

Continuing to take a personal inventory over time is a long game. It is the product of looking inside ourselves, being proactive, and owning whatever it is we see. We can do this because we know that doing it is what sets us free.

Our fear is what tells us that it’s too tiring to keep going, and it convinces us that there is no point in continuing on in the process if there isn’t a definite end game. Our fear is also what tells us that owning the darker parts of ourselves is dangerous. That it will trap us or cause problems in relationships or whatever. But, the thing is, it’s okay to have problems in our relationships. It is truly a long game we’re playing. Withholding the truth might postpone problems but it won’t eliminate them.

Maturity is recognizing that dealing with problems head on increases intimacy and ultimately makes our lives richer. And so this process is not just about self-improvement for self-improvement’s sake. It’s about the impact growth has on the people and world around us. Given that, we can’t afford to give up. We can’t afford to let our exhaustion overwhelm us. It’s not just about us- it’s about the possible impact we can have through allowing God to continue to shape us in His image.

I suppose my question is this: Can you muster the courage to keep going even when it’s hard and exhausting and your fear tells you there is no point? Because I’m here to tell you that there is a point: continuing to self-examine and grow makes us more refined reflectors of the love of God. It literally expands the reach of God’s love from ourselves to those around us. And furthering the love of God, no matter how small each individual contribution is, is our call. And it’s well within your reach.