A Guide for Making Amends.

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Last week we talked about the importance of embracing our own forgiven-ness (i.e., the fact that God desires to offer forgiveness and does it freely). Let me take a second to connect our conversation last week to this week’s. I wasn’t very practical last week- so I’m going to be extra practical this week.

It’s my belief that our awareness of our own forgiven-ness does quite a lot for us. It opens us up. It makes us more empathetic. It makes us less defensive. This is because if we’re truly in touch with the fact that we’re accepted and loved by our creator, then the amount of striving we have to do for human acceptance and approval is decreased.

This sets the stage for making amends. It’s my thought that a good amends starts with acceptance- our acceptance of the reality that we don’t know how it’s going to go, how it’s going to turn out. Accepting the fact that it might go quite badly…and we’ll still be okay. A solid amends begins with the knowledge that we are now living the way we’d like to and, in the long run, that’s going to pay off.

Therefore, as God’s choice, holy and loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Be tolerant with each other and, if someone has a complaint against anyone, forgive each other. As the Lord forgave you, so also forgive each other. And over all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.

~Colossians 3:12-14, CEB

All of this happens under the banner of something like the passage from Colossians 3. We strive to recognize that we’re both holy (set apart for the purpose of revealing God through our lives) and loved. We embody (or practice embodying) compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. We strive to throw forgiveness around like a rag doll. For the purpose of a conversation on offering amends, it’s not so much our goal to talk about offering forgiveness, but it’s also my thought that if we try to contribute to creating an atmosphere of forgiveness around us then everything about both giving and receiving forgiveness gets easier.

Now- what about the amends itself?

The most important thing is that making amends is not about you and how far you’ve come. The biggest (potential) mistake is spending the whole time talking about yourself and how much you’ve changed. While change is good, the process of making amends needs to be about the other person.

So, take time to explore the other person’s thoughts and concerns. I wonder what it would feel like to begin making amends with an invitation: I’m here to talk about how my use impacted you, but before I do that I’m wondering if you’d like to share with me your perspective on this.

Imagine walking into this conversation without a plan, and letting the other person guide you. This way you don’t have to guess at what they want you to make amends over. You just ask! Then you let them talk. You don’t defend yourself, you don’t argue over the facts, and you don’t correct them (You’re forgiven, you’re accepted, you’re loved. You do not need to defend yourself). When they’re finished, you might try something like: This really clarifies for me some of the ways in which I’ve caused harm. I am really sorry. I do not want to cause you pain and, in fact, I’d like to try to make things right. What’s the best way for me to do that?

This is just one example of something you might say. Some people react very strongly to the phrase I am sorry and suggest you not use it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with an apology and, in fact, I think apologies tend to feel quite nice to receive when they’re genuine. The important thing to remember is that making amends is not complete without an offer to try to compensate for harm we’ve caused (i.e. How can I make things better?).

Some people will react poorly no matter what you do. This is because some people will be stuck in hurt and resentment and they will not be open to a new phase of relationship. Our work here is acceptance and relying on the knowledge that we’re doing the best we can. Some people will react well no matter what you do. This is because they just want to see you thrive and are less concerned with rehashing the past. Our work here is to remember that, even though some people are naturally gracious, it doesn’t let us off the hook. We need to continue our recovery journey regardless.

We have different kinds of readers of this blog. Some of you are likely considering the process of making amends (either for the first time or revisiting it). Some of you are dealing with resentment. These are two sides of a coin. Regardless of which side you’re on, you’re both going to experience, at some point, the need to make amends and a request for forgiveness. That’s just life. No matter which end of the spectrum you’re on- it’s important for us all to remember the call listed above in Colossians: Humility, gentleness, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and love. If we do these things, we live out our faith. If we do these things, we reflect the image of God. If we do these things, we are doing the very will of God. Nothing more is required. But also nothing less.