Some things haven’t worked, so let’s try something new.
We admitted we were powerless over our dependencies — that our lives had become unmanageable.
For those following along at home, we’re in the middle of a new series where we are marching through the 12 steps. We’re spending a couple weeks with each step and trying to explore the benefits that anyone might experience from working the steps, no matter your life circumstances.
Today I’m going to give you some personal opinions on how to look at step 1. These are simply my thoughts from where I sit today. They do not reflect teaching that is common in 12 step communities (as far as I know). I’m simply trying to articulate one possible way of interpreting step 1 based on what I find most hopeful about it. And the reason I’m doing that is because people sometimes struggle to see the hope in it.
A few years ago- we had a newbie walk into our Wednesday night men’s group. He was brand new to the group as well as to recovery and he shaped our entire conversation that night because he wanted to learn about step 1. He was legitimately curious about it- but also pretty off put by it. He had an issue in is life that he wanted to change quite desperately because it was causing problems for him in his home life and he felt like step 1 was telling him, “There is nothing that can be done about this.”
As a group we did our best to try to help him see that there’s a bit more going on than that…but I’m pretty sure we were unsuccessful. He seemed increasingly deflated as the meeting went on. When we wrapped up, he very kindly thanked us all and left and we never saw or heard from him again.
To my way of thinking (and I’m just one person with one way of thinking), that’s a problem. I don’t want people walking out of their first effort at getting help feeling rather hopeless about it. And I don’t want the process of recovery itself to seem like an obstacle.
Now, I know what I’m saying here can be controversial in 12 step communities. In these communities it can be quite popular to look at this situation in other ways. For instance:
He’s not ready to change
He hasn’t hit bottom (and needs to)
It’s good for recovery to be hard work (this makes it more rewarding)
Now, we could point and counterpoint any of these ideas, but that’s not really what I’m interested in today. I’m interested in something simpler. It’s easy to blame people for the reasons that they do not engage the change process. It’s harder to find ways to decrease barriers to change. Change has enough barriers. No change is easy. The more barriers there are, the less likely people are to do it.
Think about it. Let’s say you go in for a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and they come out and say. “Bad news. You’re not healthy and you need to get healthy. And you need to decrease stress. You need to start right away. I already made a plan for you, here it is:
Strength train 3x per week (15-20 sets of 10-15 reps per major muscle group per week)
Mobility work/yoga/stretching twice per week
7,000 steps per day
Eat 100g of protein per day
Eat vegetables with every meal
Exclusively eat fruit for snacks
Consume no more than 1800 calories per day
Meditate for 20 minutes per day, preferably in the morning
Meat with a counselor once per week
Meet with a psychiatrist once per month and get put on medication for anxiety”
Let’s say that happens. Where would you get started?
Now, some of you are able to answer that question and if that’s you- congratulations. But most people are going to look at that list and go cross-eyed. Even if you could identify a starting point, you’re quite unlikely to do it. Why? Because nobody likes being told how to live and if someone gives you a rigid and exhaustive plan for your life without your input then chances are you’re going to be pretty annoyed by it. If we’re being really really real, most people are going to say, “I don’t have time for this,” if nothing else.
That list would make for some pretty daggone healthy living (the calories might not be relevant- but whatever- it’s just an example). But- it’s also a lot of work. It’s too much change to try to do at once. And, guess what, if we’re given too much to do at once it feels overwhelming. If things are overwhelming, we don’t do them.
That’s a natural human response. It’s not something that happens to weak-willed or undisciplined people, it’s something that happens to everyone (though the exact areas of life in which it happens might vary).
If you want change to happen, change needs to feel possible. This is true no matter what kind of change we’re talking about, whether it's health or substance use. We’re not doing anyone any favors by telling them how hard it is going to be to change- they already know that. What they don’t tend to know is that change can happen.
For all these reasons- I want Step 1 to feel like an exciting possibility as opposed to one more barrier to change. I wish the newbie who entered my men’s group a few years back had left thinking, “Wow- I get it now- my life can and will be different. And I can get started right now. I don’t have to wait.” But he didn’t think that. That’s a failure of mine.
Given that- this over-long post is for him. Here is how I would introduce Step 1 to him if I could do it all over again. The rest of this post is going to be a completely made up conversation between myself and this gentleman (who we’ll just call “newbie” for the sake of continuity). And yes, it’s a made up conversation so it will go really smoothly. This isn’t about reflecting reality. This is just me trying to unpack my thoughts in a new and different way.
We admitted we were powerless over our dependencies — that our lives had become unmanageable.
Newbie: Alright- tell me about Step 1. I don’t like this talk about powerlessness- it makes me feel like I’m stuck with this and that nothing can be done and I’m never going to get better and my life is only going to get worse
Scott: Great question. Let’s try to set aside the word powerless for a second and talk about the spirit of this step. I think, and I could be wrong, it’s trying to illustrate a few things:
You’ve got a relationship with something that’s causing problems you can’t ignore
Your attempts to solve it on your own haven’t worked out yet
What do you make of these ideas?
Newbie: Well, yes, this thing I’m doing is definitely causing problems and I haven’t sorted it out just yet. Surely there’s more to it than that. That much is obvious.
Scott: Yes and no. There doesn’t have to be much more to it than that. This is about acknowledging that if you don’t change anything about your life then things aren’t going to get any better.
Newbie: But it says powerless- that sounds like nothing can be done
Scott: That is confusing- what this is really getting at is that there are certain habits that have been established that need to be broken in order for change to occur and one of the things that a lot of people tell me is that they need some help to break those habits. Another way of looking at this is to say, I’m not going to solve the problem simply by trying to stop doing the thing that’s causing the problem.
Newbie: What do you mean by that?
Scott: One of the things that people tend to find is that just trying to stop doing something actually makes it harder to stop. Now, learning how to break habits is a huge part of the process, but people also find that being surrounded with support, learning new ways to manage stress, adding in new habits or hobbies or activities play a huge role in making changes. Sometimes we have to start doing some things in order to stop doing other things. What do you think?
Newbie: Well, there are certainly things I’d rather do with my time. It’s been rather consumed by this thing I can’t stop doing.
Scott: So what would you like to do with your time? What do you need more of in order to heal and recover?
I’m going to stop the fake conversation here, because I think I’ve made all the points I’d like to make. I will add on, though, that this is not really that different from any number of conversations I’ve had with substance use clients. As a counselor, I don’t want people thinking just about stopping using substances, I want them thinking about what they want and need out of life.
And we can approach Step 1 with this same kind of forward looking mentality. Step 1 is a way of saying, The old ways aren’t working, I’m going to try something new and different.
Too much time and effort is spent, in my opinion, getting people to acknowledge exactly how badly the old ways are failing and not enough time is spent talking about trying something new and different. That, again, to me, is the hope of the 12 steps: There are other things to try and those other things than facilitate change.
We could spend loads of time talking about what we can’t do…but it is more helpful to people, in the long run, to focus on what they can do.
If I could do it again- that’s how I’d teach the newbie Step 1. It’s not about your failures and it’s not about your inability to change. It’s an invitation to try things in a new and different way.
So then, if anyone is in Christ, that person is part of the new creation. The old things have gone away, and look, new things have arrived!
~ 2 Corinthians 5:17, CEB
