Accidents Happen

I, like my friend, and maybe like you, have grown up worrying about the reaction of other people to my choices. I have feared several things: disapproval, conflict, hurt feelings...but especially I have feared finding out that I might be wrong or bad. These things - wrong and bad - are kind of measurable. And the facts are in at my age - I'm not bad. I do some things poorly because I'm not Wonder Woman, but I am not bad. Most people are not bad even though many of us are afraid of being bad. Truly bad people NEVER think they are bad - so, if you worry about being bad - you can rest assured you are ok.

Now - being wrong is a different kettle of fish. We are all wrong a lot of the time. This is how we learn. My granddaughter confessed a wrongdoing recently to her Pops and me. We answered in unison, "Accidents happen." She replied, "I know you sillies." I hope we keep reminding our grandchildren in a million little ways that being wrong is human and brings opportunities that being right cannot provide.

We also want to teach them that decent humans understand that it is unreasonable to expect people to get along 100% of the time - again, a lesson I was slow arriving at. People with healthy skills are not afraid of conflict, arguments, or getting hurt. They accept these experiences as part and parcel of the human condition.

Healthy people do not need to care about or agree upon the exact same things. They care about the people they love - whether or not their views align, their hobbies mesh or they pull for the same sports teams. If different opinions causes a rift in the relationship that cannot be bridged, then the relationship may be built on the shaky foundation of the stuff Brené Brown calls, "shared enemy". More on that tomorrow.

Playing Well With Others

“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.”

Brene Brown

Michelle is in a pickle. She is legitimately worried about Kevin. Kevin does have a problem. But instead of using the force of her quiet but formidable will, she chooses a different path. See, Michelle has not been sleepwalking through the decades of her marriage; this gal has been taking notes.

She understands that if she is arguing with her husband for change and he is arguing against it, the end result will be disappointing for all concerned. She and Kevin have a pattern when faced with ambivalence (we all do). When Kevin is faced with a request to change his behavior, he gets angry. He starts pacing and waving his arms; he gets annoyed and irritated; he justifies his position and announces his unwillingness to change. This works for Michelle. She can then resort to her patterns of ambivalence and the problem remains unresolved (but she can blame Kevin for it). This does not work for Kevin and Michelle the couple. Michelle has her own ambivalent patterns. She gets defensive, feels overwhelmed by Kevin’s energy and quickly withdraws all of hers. She turns passive, feels discouraged, and disengages. This works for Kevin; but it does not work for Kevin and Michelle the couple. If you’ve been married for 15 minutes or work at a job that requires playing well with others - basically, if you are not living in a cave and eating berries - you know this dance. But have you ever owned your part in it?

How do you respond when someone is trying to “help” you? What does this cost you? Who loses?

* Angry

* Defensive

* Uncomfortable

* Powerless