Playing Well With Others

“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.”

Brene Brown

Michelle is in a pickle. She is legitimately worried about Kevin. Kevin does have a problem. But instead of using the force of her quiet but formidable will, she chooses a different path. See, Michelle has not been sleepwalking through the decades of her marriage; this gal has been taking notes.

She understands that if she is arguing with her husband for change and he is arguing against it, the end result will be disappointing for all concerned. She and Kevin have a pattern when faced with ambivalence (we all do). When Kevin is faced with a request to change his behavior, he gets angry. He starts pacing and waving his arms; he gets annoyed and irritated; he justifies his position and announces his unwillingness to change. This works for Michelle. She can then resort to her patterns of ambivalence and the problem remains unresolved (but she can blame Kevin for it). This does not work for Kevin and Michelle the couple. Michelle has her own ambivalent patterns. She gets defensive, feels overwhelmed by Kevin’s energy and quickly withdraws all of hers. She turns passive, feels discouraged, and disengages. This works for Kevin; but it does not work for Kevin and Michelle the couple. If you’ve been married for 15 minutes or work at a job that requires playing well with others - basically, if you are not living in a cave and eating berries - you know this dance. But have you ever owned your part in it?

How do you respond when someone is trying to “help” you? What does this cost you? Who loses?

* Angry

* Defensive

* Uncomfortable

* Powerless