Check in with Your Brain

The human brain is amazing, but not without its own limitations. Our brain, which loves to find patterns so that it can predict things, prefers predicting more than accuracy. Last night, after another rousing game of tennis, Pete said, "It is so weird, I hit a certain shot and my muscle memory causes my body to relax because you have NEVER gotten that shot back in our life...and now you return it!" This is brain bias. Fifty years of playing tennis together (I know! That's a long time!!) and his body/brain connection KNOWS what I'm not able to do. But guess what? I'm DOING different! I'm returning some of those shots and that man is standing there flat-footed, all relaxed in his tennis superiority.

Pete's brain and body have not caught up with the new reality around here. And he knows it, but cannot change it! This is the power of brain bias. Our brain behaves like this because it craves certainty. That is efficient, it requires our brain to not get over-heated while considering multiple options.

But a brain that is certain, but incorrect, is a brain that is making less-than-ideal decisions. The brain feels better about everything because nothing is threatened. But the human that is housing the brain is living with handicaps they do not even know about!

The current problem Pete has is an unresponsive body after he plays particular shots on the tennis court. If he hits a short ball cross-court, he assumes I cannot get to it fast enough. If he hits a high lob back to the baseline, he assumes I am going to flub the return.

This USED to be true. Not so much now. Pete is beginning to recognize (because he is humble and contrite of heart) that he has a better problem that he is responsible to address. The better problem is that he gets to hit the ball another time because I am going to return it. The old problem was that if he managed to hit the ball in predictable ways, I would lose the point every time. That's fine if you are playing Wimbledon. But we do not have rankings or prize money to fret over. We want to play a fun, competitive, game with lots of rallies.

The new problem is a better problem because it is more in line with our core values - lots of rallies. Pete will no doubt overcome his brain/body's sluggish reactions to his new, improved opponent. This is a new and better problem.

I bet your brain has some situations that are similar - habitual ways of thinking, believing, feeling, reacting, behaving. These habits are netting you predictable problems. Dare to dream! Wake up and discover that your brain, though lovely, has it limits and with less certainty, you might discover new, more interesting problems to solve.

The Nature of Evil

Roy Baumeister is a psychologist who spent time studying the nature of evil. He was startled to discover that he had to change his questions in order to complete his research. He began by asking the question: "Why is there evil?" and later amended it too read, "Why do some people do things that other people consider to be evil?"

According to Baumeister, the problem was this - the most evil among us do not see their actions as evil. They have constructed a world in which their evil actions make sense. They are certain and do not equivocate - they have a right to take these actions, they deserve to hurt and disrespect others. Their self-esteem is through the roof! Truly evil people believe that they are good and everyone else is bad.

It turns out that certainty is actually harmful for us. Certainty makes us feel worse. Certainty and our efforts to achieve it lead to more anxiety and insecurity.

The more certain we become, the less alert and curious we are to the situations around us. We feel more entitled and less humbled by circumstances that challenge our convictions. Maybe we think we deserve to cheat at tennis, because we are certain we should be able to win some games off of our husband - hypothetically speaking! (Just for the record, I do not cheat at tennis. But I think about it.)

The more we embrace uncertainty and curiosity, the more comfortable we get with knowing that we do not know, the higher our potential for health and happiness. Uncertainty leads to less judgment, more growth and the potential for progress in solving problems. The more we can acknowledge that we do not know, or - heaven forbid - are wrong, we open up to knew ways of being in the world.

Certainty is a Drag

When we decide that the pathway to growth is not through certainty, we take the road less traveled - taking responsibility for our lives. This attitude creates a whole new set of problems. Certainty brings with it a sort of script for life. Someone can bring up a topic and all we have to do is hit our own "play" button. We can spout off our certainty. But when we assume we are responsible we preclude certainty as an option. Life will keep presenting us with confusing opportunities to ....change.

For example, if I could be certain of how to advise families with loved ones in need of recovery, I could respond to all their questions (which are usually pretty predictable) by pushing my "play" button. Have a kid smoking cannabis in your basement? Kick him out if you don't like his behavior! That's a "play" button response.

But what if the kid has a traumatic brain injury? What if the kid has developmental delays? What if mom and dad's greatest fear is the kid will not be safe on the streets? These are legitimate questions that deserve respect.

I'm far less certain than I once was about how to support recovery for those we love who are struggling. This requires that I continue to take responsibility for keeping current on the latest research and best recovery practices. None of it is certain - even the newest approaches. But it makes for a better life.

Think of it like this - if we are certain, then we are probably irritated when people do not agree with us. Maybe we feel anxious when our certainty is challenged. But if we are constantly taking responsibility for our limitations, if we are curious, then we are perpetual learners. And maybe, just maybe, we can actually end up better equipped to help those we love.

Certainty is a drag; responsibility is a doorway to more joy and fewer regrets.

Faux Intimacy vs. True Connection

“When someone asks me why I cry so often, I say, ‘For the same reason I laugh so often - because I am paying attention.’”

Glennon Doyle

Fixation is different from attentiveness. Fixation is getting stuck; attentiveness opens us up to new ways of thinking, seeing, doing and feeling. Fixation leads to compulsivity, certainty, restlessness, agitation and discontent. Fixation isolates us from others because our fixations never align perfectly with the world or the way others experience life. Fixation creates barriers.

If fixation has so many downsides, why lean into it? It also has benefits. It gives us a feeling of certainty. It allows us to find people who share our fixations and instantly we feel connected. And this is the biggest problem for me with fixation. It’s a shortcut to relational intimacy and it’s a losing proposition.

Brené Brown speaks, and I have quoted her a million times, about this faux intimacy created when we share a common enemy or a common fan crush. I smile at strangers who have on a University of Virginia sweatshirt - I feel connected. But they do not know me and I do not know them. There is no shared experience of true “knowing”. How do I even know that this sweatshirt clad human is a Virginia fan? I do not. My Virginia Tech educated son has often worn Virginia gear. (It’s easy to find at our house and he prefers to get it sweaty over his good Tech swag.)

Intimacy and attentiveness are required for real life connection. When our Virginia Cavaliers won the NCAA title Pete and I took time off work (gasp!) and drove up to Charlottesville to welcome them home. We waited outside the JPJ arena with hundreds of strangers for the buses bringing the team home from the airport. It was convivial. It was fun. We felt the zing of faux intimacy.

Then we saw a couple we actually knew and decided to share a burger and bask in the glory of the coveted championship title before returning home. We talked about our jobs and kids and memories. THIS is true connection.

True connection takes time. It’s inefficient and requires more than a shared passion for a team. We discover points of agreement and disagreement, experiences we share and others we do not. These differences are enriching AND can reduce our certainty and fixations. It’s as simple as trying a new burger place (for Pete and I) that is an old standby for our friends. True connection requires that we pay attention and it will require us to let go of certainty in deference to curiosity. It will require us to open up to new ways of seeing as we share the lens of another human by listening to their worldview.

What good is fake connection? It’s all a mirage.

Build each other up

So continue encouraging each other and building each other up, just like you are doing already.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 CEB

Recently a mom and dad came to me in the hopes that I could help them figure out what to do.  I couldn’t figure it out.  I had a few ideas, offered a couple of options.  But honestly, I didn’t know.

What I did know was that I could encourage them.  For real, not just patronize them with platitudes or false confidence.  Certainty is not all it is cracked up to be, because it isn’t real.  Nothing is certain.  There is no one right way.  

Here are a few ways that I find encouraging:

* I am encouraged when someone is willing to listen to my endless need to verbally process.  I can tell the difference between someone listening and being humored - I bet you can too.  Not everyone is equipped for such hard work as presence, active listening and such.  It’s ok.  We all bring different gifts to relationships.  
* I am encouraged when I witness joy and curiosity and playfulness in others.  This is not my strong suit and when I am able to see how it is done, it provides me a good example to follow.
* I am encouraged when I am on a team that cooperates, appreciates, respects and laughs together.  I love working and playing with people who sincerely love one another.  In our community, we are exceedingly blessed to have a lot of love among us.
* I am encouraged when I get a good night’s sleep.
* I am encouraged when I have time in nature.
* I am encouraged by the resilience and courage and hope I see in families who work recovery.
* I am encouraged by people who hold fast to faith in a world where having faith is no longer cool.

What encourages you?