Setting Aside Judgement

One of the first passages of scripture that held me captive for a long, long time was Matthew 7:1-2. It goes like this:

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

(NIV Translation)

In those days, my early 20's, I lived in a world filled with judgment. I could not imagine that it would be possible, even if I wanted to, to NOT judge and be judged in turn. Judgment was everywhere. I felt judged by Matthew 7, the very scripture that encourages NO JUDGING.

My own beloved grandmother, who I adored and was adored by, once told me in the middle of my own bout with anorexia, "Stay sweet and do not get stout." Wowzer, that was a bit off message. I was busy starving myself and she reminded me, in her own subtle way, that there was no such thing as a woman who was too thin.

Judgment judgment everywhere.

In the decades since, I continue to circle back to Matthew 7. I am so much older and much of the judgment of my youth has diminished. I have lost my will to judge, having seen how destructive it is especially in the hands of the ones we love the most. I have also lost my willingness to feel obligated to endure the judgment of others. Of course, there are days of relapse. I try not to judge myself when I fall back into the habits of childhood.

Here is what I am learning about Matthew 7. It is a pathway to freedom, not a judgment in and of itself. As a young woman, I heard it as a command too impossible to obey. Today I hear it as a voice of reason, inviting me, and all of us, into a different kind of life. A life, on the days I can live it, that is quite joyful.

Once we set aside judgment, or it is taken from us as a gift from our divine Healer, we can listen and marvel at all the manifold ways humanity expresses itself. Like Norah, who absorbs the new sights and sounds of Folly Beach without an ounce of judgment, we have the privilege of experiencing people in all their multitude. Matthew 7 is not asking us to get our act together so much as it is showing us what an abundant life looks like - in case, like me, others have never personally experienced a judgment free zone.

Do not judge - we are free not to! We can quit our comparing and competing. Yay for us!

An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 3)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part III

* You can do better than this. You are better than this.

Lately I’ve heard people say, “We are better than this” in a variety of scenarios. I wonder. Are we? If we need to critique someone, again, be specific. My training instructor might say, “Your deadlift weights have dropped. Any thoughts on what’s going on?” She is reminding me that I have demonstrated in the past a capacity that is greater than my present numbers indicate. This is a problem for someone who is trying to get stronger! Maybe I have an injury, perhaps I’m over- or under-training. Comparisons are good if they are used to measure progress. It is unhelpful to say we are “better” - it is an unhelpful comparison and it can be either inaccurate or shaming, depending on our perspective.

* Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?

Instead of asking others to guess about our feelings, we will be more effective and less shaming if we can actually talk about our feelings (when appropriate). I might say to Pete, “When you get caught up in watching a lot of sports on tv, I feel lonely and disconnected from you.” This invites a discussion without me asking Pete to be responsible for my feelings. When lonely, I have more options than asking Pete to give up his beloved sports. When I feel disconnected, I can make alternative suggestions for ways we can reconnect. People do not magically know how we feel, and in some cases, our feelings are none of their business. Take for example a crisis situation with a child who has made a suicide attempt. Sitting on the foot of their bed in the hospital is probably not the time to ask them to muster up the energy to figure out their parents feelings. Instead, parents should run not walk to their own support system for the much needed encouragement and love they need during this frightening time. Later, with a lot of coaching, maybe it will be appropriate for the entire family to share feelings and process how this event impacted the family and what needs to change to create a place of healing for everyone.

...to be continued…

An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 2)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part II

* Why can’t you be more like ______?

I do not like being compared to others, do you? This is simply unnecessary. IF we are in a position of student/teacher or mentor/mentee, comparison can sometimes be helpful. For example, I am teaching my grandson the fundamentals of tennis. Sometimes I say, “Look, Christian, see where Meme’s feet are pointing? Try that and see if the ball goes straighter when you stand like this.” It is a skill specific comparison made within the bubble of learning, not as a general statement to elevate one person at the expense of another.

* You have/had so much potential!

Oftentimes when we comment on potential, we do so with the best of intentions. We’re cheering someone on, pointing out a particular gifting or talent that we hope the person will recognize and develop. But often the recipient of these words feels more shame than inspiration. Potential is a concept for personal reflection, not social commentary. How do we know another’s potential? We are in essence saying - try harder, you can do better! But can they? How do we know that what we are witnessing is NOT their 120% effort? Better to say, if we are actually qualified to comment on and have been given permission to speak about another’s performance - Your butterfly stroke is graceful; your serve is strong; your endurance is impressive. Be specific. But make sure we are qualified to speak; we are speaking the truth; we are speaking to provide information, not to manipulate someone.

...to be continued….

Contempt and Comparison: What NOT to do

From yesterday:  Avoiding comparisons to other people’s lives is an important step in avoiding living as contemptuous people.  This is not easy to do, but there are a couple of things we must all keep in mind as it pertains to the comparison game.  

What are those things?

1. You never know the various ways in which others are suffering in secret.  Yes, in a given area, someone may have it better than you, but you don’t know the various ways in which they have it worse.  Life is not easy for anyone. We tend to assume people are living an ideal life simply because we don’t have all the information.  So, don’t assume the best about others’ lives. Assume you don’t have all the information- that’s the truth.

2. You don’t know what people want for their lives.  Someone may get the thing you want- but they may not want it.  The presence of that thing, in that person’s life, may constitute a very real suffering.  In such a case as this, both parties are on the receiving end of life’s unfairness.

Playing the comparison game is ultimately pointless because, at the end of the day, we have no clue what we are comparing ourselves against.

What to do with Contempt: Part II

Our contempt does not serve us well.  Yesterday I suggested that addressing the causes of our contempt is the first step in crafting a life beyond our hurts and resentments.  

It is difficult to avoid comparing our lives to the lives of those around us, particularly as it relates to our hurts.  As Brittany and I dealt with infertility, we couldn’t help but notice how easily it seemed all of our friends got pregnant and birthed children without complication.  We know, we know, lots of people struggle with infertility- that’s not the point. The point is that the comparison factor kicks in when you’re hurting.  It often does not help to be told there are plenty of nameless and faceless others out there like you when all you see around you in your day-to-day life are people who, in this area, have it easier than you do.  This comparison is fertile breeding ground for contemptuous living.

Avoiding comparisons to other people’s lives is an important step in avoiding living as contemptuous people.  That’s really the goal isn’t it? We want to avoid living as contemptuous people in order to give ourselves the best possible chance at a hopeful life moving forward.  

This is not easy to do, but there are a couple of things we must all keep in mind as it pertains to the comparison game.  

What are those things?  Check back tomorrow.