An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 3)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part III

* You can do better than this. You are better than this.

Lately I’ve heard people say, “We are better than this” in a variety of scenarios. I wonder. Are we? If we need to critique someone, again, be specific. My training instructor might say, “Your deadlift weights have dropped. Any thoughts on what’s going on?” She is reminding me that I have demonstrated in the past a capacity that is greater than my present numbers indicate. This is a problem for someone who is trying to get stronger! Maybe I have an injury, perhaps I’m over- or under-training. Comparisons are good if they are used to measure progress. It is unhelpful to say we are “better” - it is an unhelpful comparison and it can be either inaccurate or shaming, depending on our perspective.

* Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?

Instead of asking others to guess about our feelings, we will be more effective and less shaming if we can actually talk about our feelings (when appropriate). I might say to Pete, “When you get caught up in watching a lot of sports on tv, I feel lonely and disconnected from you.” This invites a discussion without me asking Pete to be responsible for my feelings. When lonely, I have more options than asking Pete to give up his beloved sports. When I feel disconnected, I can make alternative suggestions for ways we can reconnect. People do not magically know how we feel, and in some cases, our feelings are none of their business. Take for example a crisis situation with a child who has made a suicide attempt. Sitting on the foot of their bed in the hospital is probably not the time to ask them to muster up the energy to figure out their parents feelings. Instead, parents should run not walk to their own support system for the much needed encouragement and love they need during this frightening time. Later, with a lot of coaching, maybe it will be appropriate for the entire family to share feelings and process how this event impacted the family and what needs to change to create a place of healing for everyone.

...to be continued…