No More Pretending…

My husband and I work hard to say no and hear no from one another. This is not how we started marriage. The first eight to ten years, we kept trying to guess what would make the other person happy and do that. It created a lot of suboptimal situations and resentment.

We would decide to go out to eat and hem and haw about where we wanted to go. I'd try to pick a place I thought he loved and later I found out he was doing the same. Often we ended up at a place neither one of us really wanted to go. When we went out to play tennis, in an effort to make me feel better, he would return a ball I hit out without calling it out. This infuriated me. It felt patronizing and besides, if I saw the ball go out I was never in any position to return the shot he sent back over the net. Finally, we got sick and tired of this little game of guessing and decided to get honest - even when it caused conflict.

It has taken quite a while for us to get on track with this, but it is a much more fun way to live. We have more initial conflict over burgers versus sushi, but ultimately if we end up with a third but equally satisfying option to both of us, it's ultimately a big win.

In what ways have you tried to create intimacy in a relationship by pretending? It really does not work well, does it? Today, I am extremely secure in my marriage because I have empirical evidence that my husband loves me for who I am, not who I pretend to be in a vain attempt to keep us happy.

Come Back, Sweetheart!

My grandchildren, like yours I am sure, are perfect. Last Sunday afternoon, as happens most Sundays because we are super lucky to have them in town, they were running through the house playing chase. Christian would tease, "Come catch me Norah Jane...." and off he would run.

Norah would follow on fast little feet with her arms spread wide, "Come back sweetheart!"

It is just the cutest thing to watch them play.

Last summer, when they were almost a year younger, they struggled to play. Christian did not particularly want to share anything - especially the toys but including the water hose. Norah would grow frustrated with this miserly mister and on occasion, express her frustration with a little love bite. Sometimes Christian would push or tackle Norah; once Norah squirted him with the hose. On and on it went until it didn't - now they are best buddies.

Regardless of the earlier instances of toddler tussles, these two kids love each other well and I think they, like young children everywhere, have such great instincts for loving like Paul suggested we love in Romans 12 - one of my favorite chapters in the whole bible. Earlier in the passage Paul encourages us to "be ye transformed" by the renewing of our minds, but the part my grandkids remind me of is further along when Paul encourages us in 12 verses using 30 instructions to love one another. He says it in various ways - "do not repay evil with evil, but overcome evil with good" is one of them.

This is not some kind of high falutin' love. It's not made out of the warm fuzzy feelings we feel when we break bread with people we agree with and with whom we share a common enemy. No! This is about loving our enemies. OUR ENEMIES! Just a few short months ago there were days when it felt like Norah and Christian were enemies. They both wanted to drink from the same sippy cup; they fought over the same dump trunk; they wailed over having to take turns squirting Uncle Scott/Daddy with the hose. These problems were not solved by buying more cups, trucks and hoses. They resolved as they learned what it means to love one another.

I pray that the world might one day see through child-like eyes because love toddler-sized is a beautiful thing.