No More Pretending…

My husband and I work hard to say no and hear no from one another. This is not how we started marriage. The first eight to ten years, we kept trying to guess what would make the other person happy and do that. It created a lot of suboptimal situations and resentment.

We would decide to go out to eat and hem and haw about where we wanted to go. I'd try to pick a place I thought he loved and later I found out he was doing the same. Often we ended up at a place neither one of us really wanted to go. When we went out to play tennis, in an effort to make me feel better, he would return a ball I hit out without calling it out. This infuriated me. It felt patronizing and besides, if I saw the ball go out I was never in any position to return the shot he sent back over the net. Finally, we got sick and tired of this little game of guessing and decided to get honest - even when it caused conflict.

It has taken quite a while for us to get on track with this, but it is a much more fun way to live. We have more initial conflict over burgers versus sushi, but ultimately if we end up with a third but equally satisfying option to both of us, it's ultimately a big win.

In what ways have you tried to create intimacy in a relationship by pretending? It really does not work well, does it? Today, I am extremely secure in my marriage because I have empirical evidence that my husband loves me for who I am, not who I pretend to be in a vain attempt to keep us happy.