We Are All Still Learning…

“Don’t be discouraged. Those people who seem to know exactly what to do in life are wanderers just like you. We are all still learning here.”

Morgan Harper Nichols

Yesterday’s blog suggested that cultivating a life that is both genuinely good and feels good requires slowing down and paying attention. For me, part of my attentiveness is on the scriptures. I believe that this book of God can help me learn what is good in his eyes, and that will give me a better understanding of what a good life for me means. But it takes a long time and a lot of curiosity to actually figure out what the bible is teaching us - at least, that has been true for me.

During a recent Sunday message Scott, our associate pastor, unpacked a passage of scripture in a way that really helped me learn something new. It’s a common passage and I suspect we students of scripture have often missed its point in favor of a misinterpretation that often leads to unintentional shaming or slightly off-the-mark applications of the text to our daily lives.

No temptation has seized you that isn’t common for people. But God is faithful. He won’t allow you to be tempted beyond your abilities. Instead, with the temptation, God will also supply a way out so that you will be able to endure it.

1 Corinthians 10:13 CEB

Historically, and I think with good reason, most of us have focused on the word “temptation” because, well, it is used three times in the passage! But there is a good reason we do not cherry pick verses and try to make a point with them. Like any decent reading, it’s important to look at the context of a word, sentence, paragraph and so on.

Here is what does not make sense if you read this passage in context. This passage does not mean that we should be able to set our mind on losing ten pounds and expect God to block and tackle our way through the inevitable temptations that come our way. It does not make sense to use this passage to blame a person with a compulsion (substance use disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorder, etc.) for not being about to “just stop”.

Tomorrow, we’ll look at what makes a bit more sense. But for today, consider this: What if we could all embrace the idea that we are all still learning? Would that change how we engage in conversations with folks who do not share our certain way of seeing a subject? Would it help us get more curious about the context and meaning of this text so that we don’t use it to beat ourselves or others up needlessly?

The Price of Ignoring Your Pain

We add to our suffering when we try to ignore our pain. Our compulsions are ways we work to avoid noticing. Meditation helps us notice. If we practice it regularly, we learn that our pain will not kill us and even diminishes once we give it respectful attention.

Avoiding acknowledging our pain CAN kill us.

My “prayer” journals may have served the purpose of off-loading my angst. There is nothing wrong about that practice. When we admit our feelings we reduce resentment and soothe anxiety. Mediation helps us notice the things we are avoiding.

But it also increases conscious contact with God, which provides a light to our path.

Yesterday I stood from my meditation time and made my way to my iphone. I texted one of my children, “I need quality time with you.” I realized I had an incomplete amends to make. Today, we had a lovely lunch. My heart feels lighter. I am tempted to weigh myself (but will resist that urge).

Without my practice, I would not have had the space to notice my wrongdoing. I would not have had the awareness of how this pained me. But without my conscious contact with God, I doubt I would have known what to rise up and DO about it.

This is the gift of the Step 11 - a call to prayer and meditation, an invitation to draw near to God so that he might draw nearer to us. Go have a good sit, if you are so inclined!

Filling in the Full Picture

My grandchildren love a book called “Tiger, Tiger, Is It True?” Based on the work of Byron Katie, this beautifully illustrated little masterpiece helps Tiger, who is having a rotten day, understand that most of his misery is caused by his thoughts about his situation, rather than the situation itself. Turtle helps Tiger sort through his strong feelings and mostly not true thoughts through a practice of asking the question, “Is this thought true?” Can you prove it? Are you sure? What if it weren’t true - can you find examples when your thought was not true? It feels to me like a mindful practice.

Mindfulness and meditation are not equivalents; they are more like kissing cousins. Mindfulness presumes that most of us are only partially self-aware and limited by our fixations. Like Tiger Tiger, our compulsive ways of thinking and seeing the world often cause more suffering than is necessary. Ironic, right? Our compulsions are often ways we are trying to avoid discomfort, but they are actually increasing it.

“Mindfulness means seeing how things are, directly and immediately seeing for oneself that which is present and true. It has a quality of fullness and impeccability to it, a bringing of our whole heart and mind, our full attention to each moment.”*

Tiger Tiger was upset by his parents’ fighting, getting picked last at recess for a team sport, and his best friend choosing to play with someone else after school. A thorough examination of his feelings about these events reminded Tiger that his parents did fight AND they loved him bunches. He did get picked last, but his friends were still happy to have him on their team. His best friend did play with someone else, but he always saved him a seat on the bus, played games together, and loved to jam in a band with him.

How are we like Tiger? What are we missing as we focus on small pieces of information? Tiger needed more than xanax, he needed a bigger lens with which to see his world.

I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.

Psalm 131:2

In stillness and quiet, what is God’s spirit whispering to you today?

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*Goldstein, J., & Kornfield, J. (1987) Seeking the heart of wisdom: The path of insight meditation. Boston: Shambhala, 62.

Dial It Back: Restraint

My friend Linda sent me an article called “7 Psychological Superpowers Few People Have (That You Can Use to Set Yourself Apart)” which I love. I love it because the title is long enough to be a paragraph. I love the content. In fact, I love it so much I want to blog about practically every single sentence and since I am quarantined, I ask myself: “Why not?” So here goes…

In the opening paragraphs, this article claims that one superpower that many of us refrain from accessing is: RESTRAINT. He makes quite a case for finding and exercising it.

When I practice restraint as a superpower, several wonderful things happen:

* I am curbing my urges and compulsions.

* I am pausing to prepare.

* I am doing less, which frees me to choose to do better.

Although it never occurred to me before, it seems so true: “Success, happiness, or whatever word you use to articulate what you want, often involves what you don’t do.”

The pandemic, at whatever stage it is in when you read this, provided participants a chance to do less. At various times I found this to be a blessing, frustrating, anxiety inducing, depressing, binding and freeing.

It forced me to curb some of my urges; I learned that much of what felt like an obligation pre-quarantine was truly non-essential. Much of what was initially disquieting has turned into deep silence and joy. Restraint was hard and good.

How might restraint serve you? What has a lack of restraint cost you in the past? Tomorrow, I will present a little exercise that might help you process these questions. In the meantime, think about it and see what you come up with!

Uncomfortably Aware

Another thing about prayer and meditation. It seems to support the hard work of self-awareness. When we sit and breathe, it is hard NOT to notice our anxiety, rage, frustration and resentment. When exhausted it is hard NOT to notice that we perhaps fall asleep in the middle of a 20 minute sit. It is hard NOT to notice our itchy nose or obsessive thoughts.

We add to our suffering when we try to ignore our pain. Our compulsions are ways we work to avoid noticing. The eleventh step is saying, “Notice. Pay attention. This pain will not kill you but avoiding it is definitely bad for your health.” Avoiding acknowledging our pain CAN kill us. It increases our suffering and our suffering demands relief without resolution. Acknowledging our feelings helps reduce resentment. It soothes our anxiety.

The longer I avoid scratching my itchy nose the more miserable the itch. It’s almost as if the mere admission that I FEEL this, that or the other thing allows the emotion to stand down. If I keep ignoring it, that which demands my attention gets louder and more obnoxious. Meditation helps us notice the things we are avoiding.

Another fun fact about meditation. It turns out that when we practice, our brain lights up in the same way that it does when we are experiencing a secure attachment relationship.

This validates our hope that we CAN improve our conscious contact with God. We are making a connection! If isolation is part of the disease of SUD, doesn’t it make sense that connection is part of the treatment?