Failure to Launch

Yesterday we looked at an example of how an invalidating response to a conversation starter can prevent the conversation from deepening. It went like this:

Brittany: Hey, I know I said would get the trash out this morning and Norah was going crazy and it just didn’t happen

Scott: You know that we’re going to get fined next week since we’ll have to put out two weeks of trash now, right?

A validating response would look something like this: “I know exactly how all consuming it can be to deal with a toddler who is melting down.” When you respond with validation, the conversation can go where it needs to go. It doesn’t get trapped in a cycle of defensiveness.

So, let’s say Brittany was really struggling with being home alone too much, she can then say, “It is really all consuming and it’s really wearing me out. Would it be possible to put Norah in preschool one extra day per week so that my margins aren’t so thin?”

The conversation started with trash and validation allowed it to go deeper: Brittany needs more time for...whatever, it doesn’t matter it’s hypothetical. Let’s say she needs more time to work on her business, or to rest, or to see friends, it really doesn’t matter. She had a need that she needed to express and an invalidating response prevented that from coming out.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

Defensiveness is a bad strategy

When I was a kid and my parents tried to discipline me I would burst into tears in an embarrassingly vocal manner.  This drove us all crazy. As I got older, this became even more upsetting. I wanted to be able to be a smart mouth or appear nonchalant.  Truth was, I was incredibly defensive about any perceived correction. Decades passed and I assumed that my parental units were bad a giving me feedback - or else, why would I have been such an emotional wreck?

This perspective did not last long.  When I left home and got married, I began to notice that I was defensive with everyone.  Pete said it was hard to discuss a touchy subject with me because I was so defensive. I had to explain to him that I didn’t even know what that meant.  And I wasn’t kidding. I was so naturally defensive that I couldn’t even recognize it in myself. Slowly, my self-awareness increased. But let’s be real - I am still a very defensive person.

Defensive behavior is a way some of us try to protect ourselves from a perceived attack. We do this by trying to turn the blame around onto someone else.  (My parents were bad at providing feedback is one example of how I tried to blame others.)

Look, I am the last person in the world to suggest that we all try to not be so defensive!  It would be the height of hypocrisy. But I do have three suggestions that I practice:

1. If you know you are prone to being defensive, admit it to God, to yourself and other human beings.  Sometimes it helps just to tell the truth.

2. Acknowledge that you are powerless over your defensiveness BUT still accept responsibility for it.  

3. Actively seek ways that work for you to address your defensive reactions.  

I am terrible at being defensive with Pete so I started practicing being less defensive in artificial situations when the stakes are low.  I set the situations up so that I would not be startled. Although I would never do this at one of my regular coffee shops, I decided to go to another one that I do not and never will frequent often (safe, low risk environment).  I would place my order and then deliberately not give them enough money to pay for my coffee. They would call my attention to my error and I would say, “I am sorry; you are right. Here is the fifty cents I still owe you.” It was surprisingly hard.

What do you struggle with?  Contempt towards others? Criticism?  Blaming others? Defensiveness? Start small and try to make a few changes to move you away from your predictable, habitual responses to others!