Who Believes in You?

How many people thought you’d never change? But here you have! It’s beautiful. It’s strange.

Kate Light, “There Comes the Strangest Moment”

In the early weeks of the quarentine, facebook memes were posted to encourage us to use our time to produce, change, and make the most of our time in isolation. I hated each and every one. I thought about how, someday in the distant future, historians would write about all the ways our world changed after this season of quarantine and anxiety.

Will historians write about our productivity in spite of this crisis or might they chronicle the after-shocks of a world stripped of its favorite dependencies? Who is to say? I do not know.

But I do know this. We are ALWAYS in need of change. One of my “projects” while in quarantine was to take online classes in topics that I hope will make me a better human being. One course was on Motivational Interviewing - wow. It was good and hard. The instructor told us that only 15% of the people who are taught MI actually achieve competency in the practice of MI. Discouraging? Not to me. It simply helps me understand what I am up against. This is hard; I will need a LOT of instruction, practice, feedback, and correction.

And is this not exactly what the 12-steps have trained us for? I did a freaking 5th step!! How tough can it be to have an instructor coach me on improving a skill set that I actually want to learn!

Quarantine is NOT the time to lean into productivity. But we can find purpose, meaning, and reasonably contented moments so long as we are also paying attention and using the tools we have to deal with trauma, stress, and withdrawals from our dependencies.

Today I sent my kids a text: “Anyone who can find and bring to me Minute Maid Lemonade (light) will receive payment and a generous commission.” This is my dependency at work. Fortunately, I have the tools to deal with it and so do you!!! Let’s keep changing in ways that make us better human beings - ok? This is the best way I know to encourage one another!!

New Problems

“Mental health is the process of trading in one set of problems for a better set of problems.”

Nathaniel Branden, psychologist

When we began this journey our presenting issue was a plaguing dependency of some sort that left us breathless with the power it had over our lives. I was reminded of those days when I was having a conversation this week with a woman who was considering entering treatment for a cocaine dependency. She was so tired. She was tired of worrying about her supply. She was tired of sneaking around. She was tired of being broke. She was tired of the distrustful and/or worried glances from her loved ones. She was tired of the problems at work that her using was causing. She was so tired.

I listened and affirmed and encouraged her as she expressed ambivalence about getting into treatment. I do not know what she will decide, but I am aware that she will indeed be turning in one set of problems for better ones if she decides to enter recovery.

The dependency may go into remission. Her honesty and efforts will invite her to deal with the issues of her underlying maladaptive coping skills and defects of character. Up next? Will she be willing to ask God to remove her shortcomings? Is she ready to let go of her old ways of defending herself in a world that feels hostile? What will she decide about amends making and righting wrongs?

Finally she will arrive here, the very spot we find ourselves! Step Ten - the step that addresses the problem of maintaining our serenity and peace of mind. Overall, this is a great problem to have. It’s a first world problem compared to the pressure of keeping our dirty little secret dependency well fed and out of sight.

Along the way we adjust and rebuild. We develop new habits and release old ones. Step Ten is the step that helps address the problem of self-sabotage. We plan our day, live responsibly, evaluate ourselves and quickly make necessary course corrections. Nonetheless, it will require attention and diligence!

How Come I Don’t Get Invited to Christmas Brunch?

I was no longer invited on family vacations, and my parents didn’t try to come up with plausible reasons why: We just don’t want to be with you, they would tell me. And I didn’t even care. (Indeed, this past year, I was surprised to be told about a trip to Alaska my parents and siblings had taken while I was still using.) Whenever anyone in my family went out of town, they had to check in at least once a day in case I died. This wasn’t maudlin, just the reality I had imposed on my family’s lives.

Seth Mnookin, “Harvard and Heroin”

I know not all of us end up at Harvard addicted to heroin. But we all have our...things. And those “things”, those dependencies make it hard for us to be fully present in the lives of those we love. This causes problems. Problems cause disconnects. Disconnects create conflict and confusion and isolation.

Forget about a list of people you have harmed. Instead, try making a list of “uncomfortable” relationships that are not quite right. Get curious. What’s up? This is the list that has one common denominator. You. This in no way means you are ‘THE PROBLEM’ but it does mean that some common issues may run through your list.

Tomorrow, we’ll get a bit more pragmatic. Ditch the idea that the only bad problems are associated with Harvard of heroin and consider less dramatic but still difficult problems.