Day 1: The First Light of Christmas Day...

At the first light of Christmas day, let us pray…

All hail! Let there be hoy!

Hail to the King, hail to the King, blessed is He, blessed is He.

The peace of earth to Him; the joy of heaven to Him.

The homage of a King be His, King of all victory; the welcome of a Lamb be His, Lamb of all glory: the Son of glory down from on high.

All hail, let there be joy.

Deep in the night the voice of the waves on the shore announced to us: Christ is born!

Son of the King of kings from the land of salvation, the mountains glowed to Him, the plains glowed to Him, then shone the sun on the mountains high to Him.

All hail, let there be joy.

God the Lord has opened a Door.

Christ of hope, door of joy!

Son of Mary, hasten Thou to help me:

In me, Lord Christ, let there be joy.

From Conflict to Connection

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brene Brown

Kevin was rattled by the conversation. He was used to the dance he and Michelle usually had when problems arose. This felt different to him. He was anxious. That’s good news, from my perspective. Previously Kevin had not appeared anxious about the issues around his drinking - those feelings were Michelle’s. (This does not mean Kevin wasn’t anxious; he just wasn’t showing it.) Michelle actually felt calmer after getting this “secret” off her chest. He now knew that she knew and that felt like a move in a positive direction. For the first time ever on this subject Kevin initiated the next conversation. He had no notes nor was he using mediation skills. He told her he was angry that she had been gossiping about him with “the girls” and how dare she? He was really pissed at his friends for carrying back his story to their wives. Man, he felt betrayed. There was much Michelle could have said, and the old Michelle might have done so! She could have said, “There wouldn’t have been a story to bring back if you hadn’t acted like an idiot!” OR “I can not believe you even put me in this position, and now you’re mad at ME? Or the guys?” But she didn’t. She remained open. She was curious. “I hear that you are really upset with me and our friends. If I felt like our friends were talking about me, I’d be upset too.” She resisted the temptation to talk. She listened. He vented. She nodded and maintained eye contact and learned. The more he vented, the more he had to say. About work and his boss and their daughter who was “wasting her life on that damn boy”. She made observations and always followed up with, “What’s your perspective?” They made a connection.

* How could you get curious about your situation? Who could broaden your perspective with a different slant?

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers and _______ as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

Meditative Moment

Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.

Proverbs 14:9 NIV

Take some time to breathe; consider the cost of NOT making amends. Ask God to grant you courage, wisdom and resources to do the next right thing.

A Word of Encouragement...

“God removes shortcomings by mobilizing people to do what they need to do to fix their problems.”

-Terence T. Gorski, Understanding the Twelve Steps

The one true thing I know about the Seventh Step is that the removal of shortcomings is mysterious and can be miraculous. I hear stories from men and women who have experienced miraculous and instantaneous removal of shortcomings, cravings, and even their addiction.

This is not my story. My story is one small next right step at a time, with lots of side trips and detours along the way. But progress is still a miracle even if it comes slowly and takes vacations at inopportune moments.

The Serenity Prayer speaks to this work, especially the work of this step:

God grant me the serenity

I cannot control my own emotional state. When I am freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional I am not able to lean into my recovery program with much effectiveness. I pray for serenity and follow any suggestion that comes from a reliable source about how to reduce chaos and increase calm (so long as said advice is not illegal or immoral.

to accept the things I cannot change,

There are many things that I want to change that are none of my business. My husband. My children. My circumstances. My next door neighbor who never cuts his grass. But these are not mine to do. Instead I pray for acceptance and a heaping dose of awareness of what is mine to do - and what is not.

the courage to change the things I can,

It is easier to focus on others than myself. I pray for the courage to tell the truth about myself to myself, God and others. Although I am often harsh with myself, I find that others and God are teaching me kindness: kindness towards myself and kindness towards others. When I forget to choose kindness, I am resisting the mercy of God. But when I can find kindness, lo and behold - energy for changing what I can is provided.

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wisdom. It is a big word and I pray for it to wash over me. When I recognize it, wisdom usually shows up as a quiet inner knowing; nothing grand; certainly nothing grandiose. But beautiful in her simplicity and clarity. May the God of your understanding guide you into all wisdom, courage, acceptance and joy.

Marriage as a Mirror

We do not practice our shortcomings in isolation. One of my issues is this habit of getting defensive when challenged. Large or small, any hint of somebody getting too close to my humanity and threatening my fragile ego freaks me out. I understand why I developed such a talent for this strategy and I admit that it is hard to let it go. I can show myself grace over this AND my step work invites me to live differently.

One of the most obvious places it shows up is in my marriage. My husband will offer me a suggestion for improving something - like loading the dishwasher, or how to use my car’s blinker when changing lanes. I am always tempted to come back with something snarky like, “Well, if you are so great at loading the dishwasher, do it yourself!” The problem with that defense is that he loads and unloads the dishwasher way more often than I do. You see my dilemma. I do not want to bite the hand that so often loads my dishwasher with excellence. The truth is, I resent any suggestions for improvement because I do not like to think about all the ways in which I could improve. It is far easier to think about my husband’s limitations and blame him for being so full of….suggestions.

Humility reminds me that I am only responsible for recognizing the truth about myself. I repeat: humility is the capacity to recognize the truth about myself. Period. Full stop. This provides me with a much-needed boundary for behaving. I am responsible for myself; I am responsible to others. My attention rightfully returns to working my own program.

How has selfishness, self-seeking, dishonesty and fear negatively impacted your willingness and ability to look at your own limitations?