Are You Owning It?

I want to have the kind of life where all sorts of people have keys to my house. Unlike the lady I met on vacation, I do not feel intruded upon when handing over a spare key to someone I trust...and most likely need. In fact, I am lucky to have family and friends who will receive my key and all that it symbolizes.

Our annual lake vacation delights Pete and I; it is predictable and convenient. It is relaxing and fun for us. While others dream of exotic locations and new sights, we are pretty boring but blessedly happy. It's no wonder, what with our anticipation of the arrival day of our departure, that I was more than a little disappointed when, poised to depart for vacation, water landed on my head when I walked under a smoke detector positioned outside my bedroom. Then the alarm began to blare.

It turns out that we had a roof leak and it would take awhile to figure out how to solve the problems we could solve on that rainy Saturday...when we SHOULD have been headed out for our long anticipated retreat. Initially I feared that vacation would be delayed, but quickly realized I had keys and people willing to use them.

Our kids and neighbors all agreed to help us leave. Roofers returned calls, our insurance company was amazing. Vacation was not delayed.

This is why I do not want to move to Delaware even as I admire the moxie of a woman, whose age is certainly north of mine by miles, willing to pull up stakes and set out on a new life...even at an advanced age. But this is not for me. I want "roots that grow deep". My life is not Facebook sexy but it is the one I choose. My responsibility. My way.

What's your way? Are you owning it? Are you willing to take so much responsibility for your life that you can also enjoy all the different ways other people choose to craft their own stories?

Our Work

If we use Sarai as an example of our own struggles with disappointment, what might we learn? We could certainly notice that blaming Abram probably is not helping her heal. I wonder if it would help Sarai (and us) to make a couple of lists?

1. Make a list of all the things that we grieve over that are not, and never were, up to us. For example - is it possible for us to change another person? No. Even if we want to, each person has the right and responsibility to choose their path in life - even if it is self-destructive. Can we control who lives and dies? Mostly not. We may feel guilty about some of our decisions, but only the things that we are actually responsible for go on list 2, not list 1.

2. Make a list of the choices we have made that we cannot undo. No matter how much we regret them, these are the decisions we must come to acknowledge and accept as ours to own.

This can be a necessary part of the work of grief. We mourn what happened and what did not happen. When my mother died, I mourned her passing AND I grieved over all the things that did not happen. It took we a long while to understand that my work involved grieving the loss of two things - the stuff that was not and never was up to me and the choices I cannot undo.

Consider your lists today; see if in making them you discover some "stuck" places in your own grief work.

“All Therapy is Grief Work”

In Dr. Edith Eger's book, "The Gift", she sums up in one sentence why so many of us who need therapy resist getting it - "All therapy is grief work." She should know.

As a Holocaust survivor, Eger has worked with veterans, military personnel and victims of physical and mental trauma. She understands grief. But what is far more impressive to me is her candor about her reluctance to actually do the work of grief herself. Instead, she achieved and strived and tried to outrun her suffering. Thanks be to God that at some point she realized this: "I'm a prisoner and a victim when I minimize or deny my pain - and I'm a prisoner and a victim when I hold on to regret." (p.92, The Gift). According to Eger, we all share in the universal experience of life not turning out as we want or expect. "We suffer because we have something we don't want, or we want something we don't have." (also p. 92, The Gift)

In an effort to either support or deny Eger's claim, I did what I so often do, I turned to the scriptures to see what kind of examples I might find in the life of God's people over the ages. It did not take long, in fact, this was not even the first example of disappointment paired with added suffering.

Sarai, who was barren, came up with the absolutely brilliant idea (sarcasm, folks) to 'give' to Abram her slave Hagar as a surrogate for Sarai's child. (Use your imagination, there were no fertility clinics.) What could possibly go wrong here? Of course, Hagar became pregnant.

Then Sarai said to Abram, "You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me." (Genesis 16:5 NIV)

Wait. Sarai came up with this scheme. Does anyone ask how Hagar feels about her master and his wife's plan? NOW Sarai has regrets. She wishes she could change the past. Her wish is much deeper and more heartfelt than just wishing Hagar's pregnancy would have no emotional effect on Hagar and thereby cause Sarai discomfort. Sarai wishes she herself could get pregnant and bear a bunch of babies with her husband.

Grief is not just about what happens to us; it is also about what does not happen. It's never easy to think about grief and loss but it won't get any easier avoiding it.

Today, ask yourself - in your grief, can you identify the ways you feel powerless over not just what happened but also what did not happen that you expected, longed for or dreamed about?

The Death of Illusion

Every disappointment offers the possibility for a decent reframe. Now, we can rush to cover our angst and anxiety by finding a way to reframe negatives into positives. I so wish I had this natural capacity! But there are other options. We can consider the possibility that disillusion is the death of illusion and when put that way, it may be better to excavate for a more profound rewrite of our expectations than to spackle over the deep cracks in our foundational walls of belief.

Jesus did respond to John's question posed in the gospel of Matthew. (When John heard in prison what the Messiah was doing, he sent his disciples to ask him, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" Matthew 11:2 NIV)

He asked his disciples to go and tell John what their observations of Jesus are - the blind are given their sight back, the lame are walking around unassisted, the lepers are getting a thorough cleaning, the deaf can now hear and the dead are raised. Oh, and the poor have good news brought to them while everyone who manages to not take offense at Jesus is blessed. (Matthew 11:2-10)

Blessed are those who see what God is doing because they have let go of their illusions about what they think. he should be accomplishing. Blessed are those who find joy in the ONE who is healed, the few who manage to not take offense at Jesus' outrageous claims to love the unlovely. Blessed are those who set aside their expectations and pick up on the vibe that Jesus keeps throwing down. The truth is, I had a poor image of God. I expected him to beckon to my call. He is not so easily distracted.

What expectations of God, yourself and others are tripping you up these days?

Finding Joy in Every Day

“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.”

Mary Jean Irion

We ask our grandkids about their day anytime we have the chance. I ask Norah about preschool and she says, “It makes me nervous.” I inquire further and she talks about the train table and outdoor time on the playground and the fun blocks in her class. She loves her teacher and her friends.

Christian tells me who can beat him in a foot race, which is upsetting and has spurred him to create a 4 point plan (1. Sleep well to get strong, 2. Eat a good breakfast to stay strong, 3. Wear his best running shoes and 4. Hope that kid leaves the school.). Maybe he will tell me what Tristen brought for “show and share”. He even told me once that he loved Bruno Mars “Uptown [Funk It Up]” - his understanding of the song’s title. (When did we move off of “Wheels on the Bus”?)

If I wait long enough, both of them move beyond their nerves and disappointments onto a further description of their day. I hope they, and we, never get stuck on the easy part - the part of our day where it is all too easy to notice what’s missing.

May you find the best part of your day today. And if you break out in a dance party? I hear Bruno Mars will get you moving and grooving. Me? I gotta go with Pharrell’s “Happy” song!