Our Work

If we use Sarai as an example of our own struggles with disappointment, what might we learn? We could certainly notice that blaming Abram probably is not helping her heal. I wonder if it would help Sarai (and us) to make a couple of lists?

1. Make a list of all the things that we grieve over that are not, and never were, up to us. For example - is it possible for us to change another person? No. Even if we want to, each person has the right and responsibility to choose their path in life - even if it is self-destructive. Can we control who lives and dies? Mostly not. We may feel guilty about some of our decisions, but only the things that we are actually responsible for go on list 2, not list 1.

2. Make a list of the choices we have made that we cannot undo. No matter how much we regret them, these are the decisions we must come to acknowledge and accept as ours to own.

This can be a necessary part of the work of grief. We mourn what happened and what did not happen. When my mother died, I mourned her passing AND I grieved over all the things that did not happen. It took we a long while to understand that my work involved grieving the loss of two things - the stuff that was not and never was up to me and the choices I cannot undo.

Consider your lists today; see if in making them you discover some "stuck" places in your own grief work.