Reluctance and Change

“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”

Brene Brown

Michelle’s husband is an energetic sort: successful, fun-loving, extroverted and not prone to much introspection. At home, he lets his guard down and can be moody, even brooding. She chalked his increasing moodiness up to the stressors of work and the shifting of circumstances. This was before covid-19 hit. They were entering that stage of life when the kids were launching with varying degrees of success and their bodies were beginning to squawk with signs of aging. In response, she went back to work, took up yoga and got a good nutritionist; he doubled down on his favorite distractions.

This included working and playing hard while lubricating every situation with alcohol. Unfortunately, this tried and true method of managing stress was no longer working - from Michelle’s perspective. After a few embarrassing incidents with the inevitable follow up conversations the next morning, Michelle understood with clarity that Kevin was on a completely different page. He did NOT think he had a problem, except for maybe her. The natural response at this point would be for Michelle to redouble her efforts at convincing Kevin that he had a problem. This might involve asking others to support her efforts to change Kevin. Maybe one or more of the kids, perhaps the family physician, certainly she would turn to her girlfriends for support and ideas. Michelle might not be the only person advocating for change - there was a rumor going around among the wives. It seems like a boys’ golf weekend went awry and the other guys had a word with Kevin about his shenanigans. Kevin rebuffed her inquiry as to what went wrong.

There are powerful forces working against change in this system. Tomorrow, we’ll list a few of those, but for today, let me ask you:

* What is a problem that you THINK you need to address, but are reluctant to do so? (It can be yours or a loved one’s.)

An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 4)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part IV

* You have embarrassed yourself/me/your family.

When my mother passed away, my father wrote me an email enumerating all the ways I was an embarrassment to him. This was not his work to do. When we feel embarrassed about the actions of another person, and we all have had this feeling before, it is important to pause to prepare. One time I was taking someone to treatment and when we arrived at the emergency room, she laid down on the ground outside the ER entrance and threw a temper tantrum. It was epic. While I was inside trying to get some help, Pete stood guard over her as she got out her frustration with fists pumping and legs flailing. An acquaintance approached the entrance and recognized Pete. He looked quizzically at Pete and pointed at the tantrum-throwing. “Yours?” he asked. Pete shrugged. It was too much to explain.

I asked Pete if he was embarrassed to be associated with such a meltdown in a fellow adult and his reply was classic Pete. “I wasn’t throwing the tantrum, what did I have to be embarrassed about?”

I followed up, “What if that had been our daughter?”

He shrugged, “Still. It would be their tantrum, not mine.”

I am not that evolved but I aspire to become a person who can take responsibility for my own actions and allow other people the dignity of taking responsibility for their choices as well. I am sure there are a million ways we foster shame reactions in ourselves and others that I have not considered in these posts. I’m going to keep on the lookout for shame attacks. One final point. If shame worked as a tool for change, then I would advocate for its use. There is so much that needs to CHANGE in our world today. But shame does not work, so let’s keep looking for effective ways to bring hope for change and support the work of transformation.