An Attack on Shaming Statements (Part 4)

...more thoughts on shaming statements….Part IV

* You have embarrassed yourself/me/your family.

When my mother passed away, my father wrote me an email enumerating all the ways I was an embarrassment to him. This was not his work to do. When we feel embarrassed about the actions of another person, and we all have had this feeling before, it is important to pause to prepare. One time I was taking someone to treatment and when we arrived at the emergency room, she laid down on the ground outside the ER entrance and threw a temper tantrum. It was epic. While I was inside trying to get some help, Pete stood guard over her as she got out her frustration with fists pumping and legs flailing. An acquaintance approached the entrance and recognized Pete. He looked quizzically at Pete and pointed at the tantrum-throwing. “Yours?” he asked. Pete shrugged. It was too much to explain.

I asked Pete if he was embarrassed to be associated with such a meltdown in a fellow adult and his reply was classic Pete. “I wasn’t throwing the tantrum, what did I have to be embarrassed about?”

I followed up, “What if that had been our daughter?”

He shrugged, “Still. It would be their tantrum, not mine.”

I am not that evolved but I aspire to become a person who can take responsibility for my own actions and allow other people the dignity of taking responsibility for their choices as well. I am sure there are a million ways we foster shame reactions in ourselves and others that I have not considered in these posts. I’m going to keep on the lookout for shame attacks. One final point. If shame worked as a tool for change, then I would advocate for its use. There is so much that needs to CHANGE in our world today. But shame does not work, so let’s keep looking for effective ways to bring hope for change and support the work of transformation.