The Little Engine That Could Not…

I used to think I had to be the little engine that could until I realized one day that I could not. I could not keep on with this pattern of living that required me to give without regard for my own wellbeing. Most of us are familiar with Jesus' teaching on "turn the other cheek." As a Christian, I figured this was an important teaching - after all, it shows up more than once in the gospels. It really does SOUND like we are supposed to set ourselves up to be human punching bags in these passages. And, my family system of origin, while completely irreligious in my early formative years, taught me the same thing. I lapped this stuff up like it was melting ice cream on a hot summer's day.

Why? Because if JESUS said turn the other cheek, then maybe I did not need to question the way in which I was parented. I could ignore the unhealthy aspects of my family and focus my attention on doing what I was raised to do - give.

I am not going to try to exegete such an important passage of scripture in a blog. But here's what I'm learning. The world is a violent place and people are not particularly nice. When under duress, they probably are never going to see someone else's position from a place of compassion and empathy. That's a given. It's not personal, it is a reflection of who they are not what you have or have not done.

However, the effect of this violence is devastating. And it is violence. Anytime we are not living in such a way as to communicate positive regard for others and deep respect, it is an assault on each individual's capacity for virtue.

Turning the other cheek, for all that it means and does not mean, may point us in a certain direction for understanding. We need to learn that the world is a violent place and how to handle these constant assaults on our souls. The answer is rarely going to be found within the context of the relationship of anyone who is willing to strike you on your cheek in the first place. Depending on the relationship, it may need to be addressed.

But other times, it simply needs to be acknowledged. That person was violent toward me. I need to turn and walk in a different direction. This does not preclude a relationship but it changes the nature of the relationship in profound ways.

And hear me on this...you do not have to keep giving to that relationship. You can step back. You can give someone else a turn to give to them.

What relationships are you in that are not nurturing? Step back. Re-evaluate. Consider other options. Sometimes we need help sorting all this out. That's ok. Just know that there is something there that needs sorting, and if you do not do so, your body will let you know.

The Importance of Emotional Intelligence…

"A leader takes people where they want to go. A great leader takes people where they don't necessarily want to go but ought to be."

Rosalynn Carter

Bless Rosalynn Carter's little heart. I bet she understands how difficult this is to practice in real life.

For influencers who are often confident of the best, most perfect way to achieve a goal, their focus on quality and rules and structure can make it difficult for them to exert influence - even when they are correct! These influencers need to also engage with people's emotions, learn how to find empathy, passion and make personal connections. It doesn't much matter how right we are if no one will listen to us.

Could this be you? How could you improve your emotional intelligence so that you can be more influential?

Is it Good Judgment or Are You Being Judgemental?

Most Thursday nights I have the pleasure and privilege of participating in our Family and Friends Education Program at NSC, in partnership with some other really great organizations, like VCU's Rams in Recovery. This program is designed to support and educate families seeking recovery for a loved one. It is an amazing group; often, someone wants an "after meeting meeting" - in order to get a bit more personal about unpacking a particular crisis or chronic problem related to the topic of the evening.

One evening we talked about the characteristics that foster change: empathy, compassion, unconditional positive regard, etc. These principles are extremely difficult to figure out how to display when confronting a loved one whose addiction leads them to lie, cheat and steal without apparent remorse. (Which, for the record, is rarely true. Most people have deep shame and remorse about the places the disease takes them.)

"Teresa, I hear what you are saying, but I just do not buy it. There is just no way in hell I can withhold judgment after all my son has done. He's a thief. He's broken all the commandments plus a few no one even thought to mention. I am ashamed of my son and I want him to be ashamed too - maybe then he will change."

Yeah, well, it turns out that shame is not a great motivational tool. It encourages hiding and secrets and isolation. It is not helpful. As I listened to this heartsick parent lament, I realized that we need to have a follow up conversation that distinguishes between being judgmental versus having good judgment.

I was NOT advocating for abandoning good judgment. Good judgment in this instance might mean that these parents not give their kid a key to their home and ask him to water the plants and feed the dog when they go on vacation. That's using poor judgment. That's not living in reality. Their son is not capable of that level of responsibility. A parent can know this without being judgmental about this tough truth. There's a difference.

One of the words I over-use on Thursdays is "tone" - our "tone" matters. When our "tone" comes from a place of radical acceptance, even if we mess up the words, our fumbling is less debilitating. When my grandmother told me to "Stay sweet and do not get stout," her "tone" was deaf, but loving. It was wrong, but not toxic. It was poor advice, but not devastating because it was just so obvious that she loved me. Now, she should not have said it and it was a super bad message to give a woman way deep into anorexia. But its effect was blunted because of the tone, the heart of her message. These sorts of problems need correcting - and, eventually I was able to share with her about my personal struggles and she never, ever repeated those words. But judgmental attitudes are hard to address and far more dangerous.

Differentiating between good judgment and being judgmental is challenging. We often need help figuring it out. That's ok, because in no judgment zones, asking for help is easy.

Context is Everything

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

We're using a few days to discuss the nature of triggers.  What, exactly, does a trigger look like?  

For instance, consider a mother says to a son who is visiting home for Christmas, "Would you like me to do your laundry?"  The son immediately loses his temper and calls his mother an overly controlling b-word.  

Her offer, on the surface, seems sincere, even kind.  But what if I told you the son is 45 years old?  What if I told you that this mother regularly calls him a "disgusting slob" because he wears t-shirts when he's not at work as opposed to the button-downs that his mother tells him "a true man wears"?  What if I told you that his mother regularly tells him that he'll never be married if he doesn't shave off his "nasty" beard?  

Context is king.  The son's response to his mother is way out of proportion considering what is happening strictly on the surface: an offer to do laundry.  The son is "triggered" by what is going on beneath the surface:  a lifetime of being chastised by his mother because she believes he doesn't adequately take care of himself and has no qualms about shaming him about this.  

2021 Scott’s thoughts:

It’s important to add something on here: We may never know other people’s context. If you see someone react completely “irrationally” to something- it’s likely that the response is irrational to you based on the amount of information you have, but that response might make total sense if you knew the fuller picture. This is how we develop empathy- we remember that the picture we have is incomplete and that, with more information, this person who is acting irrationally might make sense…they might even seem more lovable.

Confronting Unpleasant Reality

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

An outburst is a sign that we need help, but people generally don't experience outbursts that way.  It tends to be that people on the receiving end of an outburst see the person who "outbursted" as a person to avoid.  

In other words, living unconsciously sets us up for rather severe consequences.  We blow up as an unconscious reaction to unpleasant realities and these tantrums create the opportunity for isolation.

It is never easy to confront an unpleasant reality, and that is why we develop extensive defense mechanisms that protect us from its effects.  We may need that for a time, but if we refuse to confront whatever the difficult circumstance is forever then we continue to perpetuate a cycle of harm done from unconscious living.  

But, perhaps more importantly, we will not know ourselves and others will not have the opportunity to know us or walk alongside us in the midst of difficult times.  If we're content to react to whatever is beneath our surface unconsciously then we miss the opportunity to listen to ourselves, deal with pain, share the pain, and find community.

New me vs. Old me:

I don’t really disagree with this post- though I would highlight in a more obvious way a really complicated push-pull dynamic in life when it comes to trying to manage our own reactivity. Yes, on the one hand, it’s important to find ways to regulate ourselves so that people enjoy being around us (or have the potential to). On the other hand, wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be gracious with and to one another when we’re struggling? 

We need both.