Don’t Get Stuck!

Another really unhelpful strategy is pretending pain doesn't hurt. If something matters to us, and it is not going well, it should bother us! Denying that we experience stress prevents us from dealing with the stress. I have a friend who has really suffered in recent years. When we chat, she tells me, "I have this! I can handle it! I am fine!"

She is not fine. In the heat of a moment, we may need to say, "I can get through this. I will be fine." This is a strategy for dealing with the stressful situation. But it does not heal the ill-effects of the stress. After the dust settles, we need to circle back around and acknowledge our stress, worry, frustration, rage and despair. Today, I have lost all interest in the stressful situations that drove me over the edge of my capacity to cope.

But there was a time when I needed to admit about how these events affected me. To be clear, this was not what ultimately repaired my heart, mind, and soul. But it was a necessary early step to admit how devastating several key events had been in my life rather than avoid the reality of the situation. I am not talking about endless rumination. That is the opposite of what we need to do, because the body experiences rumination as reliving the trauma. It's like deliberately sticking your finger in an electric outlet expecting not to get zapped.

Here's how to talk without ruminating. Instead of repeating ad infinitum the EVENTS or the faults of the people in the event, talk about how the event made you FEEL, what you thought about said event, and how you reacted. Self-observe. What can you learn about yourself? Using this method, we do not re-traumatize ourselves by repeating a story that - let's face it - everyone already knows. But what we are doing is giving ourselves an opportunity to deal with the stress by taking full responsibility for our life.

What about you? Are you avoiding admitting something that is stressful for you? Are you ruminating over a stressful event? Fine. It's fine wherever you are in the process. Just don't get stuck. Keep walking!

Friends with Clay Feet

"A leader ... is like a shepherd. He stays behind the flock, letting the most nimble go out ahead, whereupon the others follow, not realizing that all along they are being directed from behind." Nelson Mandela

Oftentimes when I think of influencers, it reminds me of folks who have learned how to look good on instagram. This is not the kind of influence that has been helpful to me. I need my people to have skin and bone on them and show up at my house or meet me for coffee. I need people who will waste time with me. I need to observe if they practice what they preach, and on the occasions when they cannot do so, acknowledge it. I like to SEE the clay feet, not just the Photoshopped version that shows up on social media. (Who named it that anyway? Is social media really SOCIAL?)

All my influencers have very clay feet, which helps me take them seriously. In my inner sanctum of trusted friends, everyone is a hot mess now and again. It turns out, that for each of our super powers, we have an accompanying limitation. When we know this, we can plan accordingly. Tomorrow, we will chat about that!

A Problem Solver…

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear."

Mark Twain

"Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

Shari R. Barr

I don't think I'm much of an influencer, but, if being practical and solving problems is helpful - I'm your girl. I can find a problem when no one else is even looking - which can be anxiety producing. Others might not understand how I work, it might be hard to notice that my fear does not arise from the problem but more often from the belief that others are not paying attention to the problems that will arise as a result of ignoring important realities. I am also decent at problem solving, keeping the people I love safe and being predictable. Need action and adventure? Keep looking. But if you appreciate loyalty and steady commitment from a person, I'm you gal.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

Confronting Unpleasant Reality

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

An outburst is a sign that we need help, but people generally don't experience outbursts that way.  It tends to be that people on the receiving end of an outburst see the person who "outbursted" as a person to avoid.  

In other words, living unconsciously sets us up for rather severe consequences.  We blow up as an unconscious reaction to unpleasant realities and these tantrums create the opportunity for isolation.

It is never easy to confront an unpleasant reality, and that is why we develop extensive defense mechanisms that protect us from its effects.  We may need that for a time, but if we refuse to confront whatever the difficult circumstance is forever then we continue to perpetuate a cycle of harm done from unconscious living.  

But, perhaps more importantly, we will not know ourselves and others will not have the opportunity to know us or walk alongside us in the midst of difficult times.  If we're content to react to whatever is beneath our surface unconsciously then we miss the opportunity to listen to ourselves, deal with pain, share the pain, and find community.

New me vs. Old me:

I don’t really disagree with this post- though I would highlight in a more obvious way a really complicated push-pull dynamic in life when it comes to trying to manage our own reactivity. Yes, on the one hand, it’s important to find ways to regulate ourselves so that people enjoy being around us (or have the potential to). On the other hand, wouldn’t it be nice if we could all be gracious with and to one another when we’re struggling? 

We need both.

Adjust as Needed

I love traveling through life with my friend Jean because she pays attention to people and she has seen me at my worst. I know I can be a pain in the neck, but she has somehow managed to put up with me without actually making me feel like she is enduring waterboarding as my friend.

Our friendship started with some magical affinity that drew us together but it has endured because we have not let our humanity pull us apart. If you have friends who have taught you that they start fights but lack the courage to actually resolve them, if you have friends who gossip about you - folks, these are not friends. I know it is sad anytime we discover this, but we must live in reality.

Troublemakers start fights; gossips break up friendships. Proverbs 16:28 The Message

Do you have any relationships that need to be adjusted?