The Relief of Failure

Perhaps you remember Winston Churchill's quote about failing over and

over with great enthusiasm. This is a mighty fancy reframe of failure that is actually helpful for closing the stress cycle. Once I acknowledged that I was a failure at the very work I had poured myself into for over 20 years, I felt a certain relief, and freedom. My body sighed. Finally. Sounds painful? Yes, it was and IS painful. But not stressful. The stress was when I kept trying to ignore the fact that I am a failure. And trust me, when someone I have known for decades calls me lazy because as a pastor I did not create a parking lot and then host church there during a pandemic - I failed. I failed to communicate what it means to be a Christian and maybe even a pastor for those decades prior to the pandemic. I failed.

During the US Open of 2021 Novak Djokovic was going for a true Grand Slam - winning four Grand Slams in a year and this one was the final jewel he needed to complete his march to victory. During the middle and at the conclusion of the cameras caught him crying. He was not losing after the first set, or the second, he was in the match AND he cried. When he lost, he cried more. Understanding as we do about the stress cycle, Djokovic was closing his cycle with his tears. He described it as a feeling of relief that the pressure was over. I'm sure he was disappointed, but mainly, according to him, he was just relieved. The pressure to succeed was far more stressful than the effort it took him to win, and lose, matches.

I understand. That's how I feel as a failed pastor. It's a relief. I am continuing to fail with great enthusiasm as a pastor. I'm also pursuing a new way of serving that I am excited to try. I could not have taken this course of action so long as I could not admit to my own failings. I have redefined failure for myself as I have stumbled across the surprising benefits of reframing failure as an opportunity. It still hurts; it is still painful; but it is not a waste of suffering. On a teeny tiny scale, like Djokovic, I am relieved that I tried as hard as I could, failed, and can now freely re-evaluate my life choices.

Ok, this is hard. Do it anyway. What's not working for you? Where are you failing? If you need to tell someone, write or call or come over to my house and play pickleball while you unburden yourself by telling me your failings - I am here and ready to listen. I promise. I know you are not lazy.

Anticipate the Positives

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

Thomas A. Edison

For people like me, we do not ever think much about success. We expect things to go wrong; we anticipate failure. This is certainly a good trait to have when you find yourself going up a curvy, two-lane mountain road in Colorado with a huge trailer in front of you dropping large pipes. Walls of rock are on one side, a cliff on the other and cars headed down while the cars behind the truck are bobbing and weaving, trying to miss the pipes without hitting a rock wall, an oncoming car, or taking a nosedive over the cliff. True story. It happened to me and I was cool as a cucumber. I've been telling Pete for years to watch out for this car or that truck. The poor man has had to anticipate so many dangers that never occurred, that we were lucky he was not driving that snowy afternoon on a mountain pass. He would have never believed me! Anticipating problems can be a good thing - if there are real problems. But I can get so focused on what might happen that I forget to articulate the positives that are accomplished each and every day. This is not inspiring. People like me need to do better at expressing good news!

Could this be you too? How can we get better at this?

Using Your Influence

"Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm."

Winston Churchill

According to Churchill, I am killing it. I have NEVER felt as much enthusiasm for life as I do today. In the middle of a pandemic, a time of political unrest, with grandchildren growing up so fast that I've started thinking about college options and really great trade schools, not everyone would find it in their heart to latch onto enthusiasm.

Soooo, what's my secret?

My people - those who have been influential in my life in a million big and small ways. Although their influence has not turned me into a person the world would consider successful, that's ok. My candle is kindled in my heart and my soul sings. This has been a long and winding journey that included a recent protracted depression. (I personally think if the past few years have not caused you to rethink life, maybe you're not paying attention.)

I've been ruminating with gratitude on how I got here, back to the place where I have reasonable amounts of peace and joy. What's happened to me? And why would you care? I suppose because I do believe Rumi and I think all of us want to find a life of meaning and purpose - whether or not success is part of the plan. And maybe you, like me, has struggled of late to figure out if enthusiasm is even possible.

I believe that all of us have an opportunity to influence our world in some positive way, co-workers with God in slowly, laboriously, sometimes almost imperceptibly, inching the kingdom of God toward his vision for his people. What I needed, and have gratefully received as of late, is vocabulary for how true influence works. At my darkest moments, I need someone to influence me - to help pull me out from the confusion and lost sense of meaning that depression steals from us. In a world that prefers success, it is difficult to find help, so I want to share the various ways people showed up to help me. My prayer is that you might find yourself in these descriptions or recognize the helpers in your life. Tomorrow, we begin!

Fail Often, with Great Joy

This is important. No one has perfect judgment. No one can, should, must, ought, or needs to be responsible all the time. No one can avoid mistakes. No one can live up to their own expectations or the expectations of others. In fact, assuming too much responsibility is more linked to trauma than it is too sainthood. I wish I had learned this earlier in life and I will spend the rest of my life giving other people permission to do what I could not allow myself to do for most of my life - fail often with great joy.

Fail at being 100% available.

Fail at avoiding pitfalls and mistakes.

Fail at trying so darn hard.

And notice, in the midst of all this failing to achieve, that everyone else is also failing.

Normalize failing and practice non-shaming responses. If we can pair those two principles together, then we can create an environment that is less traumatizing. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Armed with what we know - failing is not bad but it is inevitable - share failings aggressively. This serves several important purposes. It de-stigmatizes our shame and it encourages others. When Pete fails, I do not think he is a failure; I sigh with relief that maybe I do not have to be perfect either. It provides me a chance to remind him that we all fall short, so what? It helps to share with safe people, and that may require some additional failing along the way. I'm amazed at how differently humans respond to my own confessions of shortcoming. Sometimes I share and then feel that I made another mistake in sharing; I want to lie and hide from my limitations. But others get curious, ask questions, help me turn my failure into an experience, and remind me that I am not a mistake - I made a mistake.

2. Be the person other people can fail around. This doesn't mean that we never give feedback, we can and do (with permission). We just figure out how to be a safe person in the midst of recovering fromfailure.

3. Notice that the only way to avoid failure is to stop learning, growing, and leaning out over our skies a bit. It leaves one with a very, very small life.

How is fear of failure holding you back?

Practice Being Uncomfortable…

Failure is demotivating. It's frustrating. I do not always respond well when I perceive I have failed. I think this is a fairly predictable response to discomfort, but guess what? I'm learning that being uncomfortable is a precious gift on the path to growth.

Pete and I enjoy our empty nester early morning routine, which includes solving a puzzle or two before we rush off to a day filled with adulting. One of the puzzles I prefer, Kakuro, is a great crossword like puzzle without words. You have to align numbers 1 through 9 in such a way as to come up with the designated total count both vertically and horizontally. Sometimes it is really hard and I get frustrated trying to solve it. The secret is to just keep working the puzzle. Plug away, fill in what you can. Start with the easy ones - a two square line that equals 16 HAS to be 9 and 7, and if you put those two options down on paper, you might discover that there is only one square the 9 or 7 will fit with the corresponding vertical or horizontal line that has its own unique options and restrictions.

Here's the point: even when unmotivated, uninspired, freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional - keep moving. Not in a habitual, robotic, reactionary way - but from a place of humility, curiosity, and surrender. Maybe today I will not solve the problem set in front of me but I might get better skills for my effort. I may learn new tricks that will help me with tomorrow's puzzle.

If we feel like we have to be motivated to make progress, we are wrong. If we think we have to succeed, we are wrong. If we think we need to have warm fuzzy feelings about our adulting, we are wrong. Here's what's right: keep moving and as we move, try to pay attention to aligning ourselves with our core values.

I align myself with my core values when I follow my teacher's instructions for piano fingering practice. My values include the belief that I am a student of life and lessons learned in one arena inevitably translate into other dimensions of life. I value expertise and I appreciate when I have access to it. I believe that there is value in doing things that feel unnatural at first, because it is a sign that I am awake, alert and not asleep in a habitual, unconscious patterned way of thinking, feeling and behaving with certainty.

What do you need to practice today that will be uncomfortable?