Practice Being Uncomfortable…

Failure is demotivating. It's frustrating. I do not always respond well when I perceive I have failed. I think this is a fairly predictable response to discomfort, but guess what? I'm learning that being uncomfortable is a precious gift on the path to growth.

Pete and I enjoy our empty nester early morning routine, which includes solving a puzzle or two before we rush off to a day filled with adulting. One of the puzzles I prefer, Kakuro, is a great crossword like puzzle without words. You have to align numbers 1 through 9 in such a way as to come up with the designated total count both vertically and horizontally. Sometimes it is really hard and I get frustrated trying to solve it. The secret is to just keep working the puzzle. Plug away, fill in what you can. Start with the easy ones - a two square line that equals 16 HAS to be 9 and 7, and if you put those two options down on paper, you might discover that there is only one square the 9 or 7 will fit with the corresponding vertical or horizontal line that has its own unique options and restrictions.

Here's the point: even when unmotivated, uninspired, freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional - keep moving. Not in a habitual, robotic, reactionary way - but from a place of humility, curiosity, and surrender. Maybe today I will not solve the problem set in front of me but I might get better skills for my effort. I may learn new tricks that will help me with tomorrow's puzzle.

If we feel like we have to be motivated to make progress, we are wrong. If we think we have to succeed, we are wrong. If we think we need to have warm fuzzy feelings about our adulting, we are wrong. Here's what's right: keep moving and as we move, try to pay attention to aligning ourselves with our core values.

I align myself with my core values when I follow my teacher's instructions for piano fingering practice. My values include the belief that I am a student of life and lessons learned in one arena inevitably translate into other dimensions of life. I value expertise and I appreciate when I have access to it. I believe that there is value in doing things that feel unnatural at first, because it is a sign that I am awake, alert and not asleep in a habitual, unconscious patterned way of thinking, feeling and behaving with certainty.

What do you need to practice today that will be uncomfortable?

Focus on the Tangible

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

If we're content to react to whatever is beneath our surface unconsciously then we miss the opportunity to listen to ourselves, deal with pain, share the pain, and find community.

Our unconscious reactions are rarely directed towards the true source of our frustration, disappointment, or whatever.  What I mean is:  when we react to what is beneath the surface unconsciously then we're not actually addressing what is beneath the surface.  We are addressing something altogether unrelated and, generally, dragging innocent and vulnerable people down into our misery.  

We maintain control through exerting ourselves on something more vulnerable than ourselves.  When we're confronted with powerlessness our bodies intuitively seek something else to be in control of.  We will find a situation or person less powerful than ourselves that we can push lower to keep some (false) sense of internal balance.  We intuitively and unconsciously believe, wrongly, that subjugating something or someone else helps us feel like we are maintaining control in the midst of great uncertainty.  

Tomorrow we get real practical.

Future Scott vs. Past Scott:

I don’t really think in terms of subconscious processes anymore because I’m not really sure how helpful it is and I don’t think there’s any way to really get to the bottom of subconscious processes anyway. So I prefer to talk in terms of what is (today). 

When I say what is I mean things that are tangible. When we take our frustration out on someone, that’s very tangible. We can own that incident and make amends. And, if we’re frustrated at a high enough level on a regular enough basis, we may need to work on mindfulness of our emotions so that we can pay attention to things we might be overlooking. 

The bottom line point might be the same regardless: If we’re not acting like ourselves, we might want to explore that.

Are You Trying to Change the Wrong Things?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

There are times in life, of course, when things are mostly outside of our control, which is to say, our influence over these events is small but we have some level of permission to attempt to influence them.  There are things that are mostly within our control (we have permission to influence and our potential to influence is high).  As far as this particular discussion goes, I'm not concerned with these grey areas.  I'm choosing to ignore them.  I'm not doing so because I doubt they exist (I believe they do), I'm ignoring them because they don't draw the worst out of us in ways that encounters with absolute powerlessness do.  

We are keeping our focus on the distorted illusion of control that comes from our encounters with powerlessness.  I know that this is the area where I need the most work.  I suspect I'm not alone.  

Present Scott’s attack on Past Scott:

Past Scott was very hard on people who struggle to make changes. Control, and our frustration around control, is what happens when we’re struggling to live a life we’re excited to live. I suppose, if I were to rephrase the above in a less shaming way, I’d say that we don’t always choose well when it comes to where we focus our energy in life when we’re frustrated with how life is going. In other words, we often try to change the wrong things. 

So I have some more questions for you:

What is something you’d like to be doing more of in your current life?

What are some relationships you’d like to spend more of your energy on?

What are some things that bring you joy that you don’t do as much of anymore?