A Well-Constructed Scaffolding

"Mom, how many therapists do you need?"

"As many as it takes."

"As many as it takes for what?"

"As many as it takes to support my limitations so that I can live my one wild and precious life."

Here is what I need you to know. Your limitations probably are not going anywhere. No one is as shocked by this as I am. I am shocked, stunned, gob-smacked, that I can be this old and still have the same limitations I had when I was twenty. But it is true. And I hate to break it to you, but I bet you do too.

The illusion of youth is that "growing up" means outgrowing our limitations. Sorry. Not my experience.

Instead, what I have learned is how to construct scaffolding around myself to support my growing up. Kate Bowler, one of my favorite humans on the planet, says that, "Life is a chronic condition." And boy is she right!

Maybe we can learn from our brothers and sisters in the mutual aid society world of AA, NA, al-anon, nat-anon, etc. Some things we manage. And that's ok. This is only a problem if we fail to recognize our need for managing our limitations with humility and hopefully a bit of grace!

We’re Both Right, We May Both Be Wrong.

I appreciate Edith Eger's interpretation of a Jesus teaching that many of us struggle with. Here's her take: "This is what I think Jesus meant when he advised us to 'turn the other cheek.' When you turn the other cheek, you look at the same thing from a new perspective. You can't change the situation, you can't change someone else's mind, but you can look at reality differently. You can accept and integrate multiple points of view. This flexibility is our strength. (p. 108 The Gift)

I'm amazed at all the different perspectives that emerged in response to the coronavirus pandemic. People both opposed and supported mask wearing; people were grateful and dismissive of the vaccine; people praised and punished business closures/accommodations; people appreciated and berated various decisions made by government authorities and institutions.

Turn the other cheek. Look at the various perspectives. Listen to different media outlets and read different opinion pieces and we end up with wildly different conclusions. Eventually, we have to settle into a position. It could be right, wrong, or in-between. Turn the other cheek - look at the information others are receiving. Although it may not be a preferred source, even if we do not agree with it, turning the other cheek allows us to at least understand why we end up with so many different viewpoints.

Turn the other cheek. Do you, make your decisions, stand by them. But we don't have to treat others with disdain who are making different choices. At least appreciate how hard it is to make decisions in the midst of so much confusing and ever-changing data!

The pandemic is an extreme situation; it will be covered in the history books for years to come and our choices will be dissected and discussed. Some of the choices we made as individuals and a country and a world will look absolutely ridiculous as better information and research comes to light. But here is the thing that we can do well - turn the other cheek. Give one another grace. The only thing that will not stand the test of time well is our certainty, disdain, and lack of humility. The rest, I suspect our ancestors will maybe give us a pass on - especially if they continue to encounter baffling and difficult life circumstances themselves.

The Dynamic Duo

The first baptism I ever performed was in a church. It totally freaked out those who came to be baptized. We were meeting in a school but walked across the street to a church for the baptism. I lacked imagination for what a jolt that would be to the system of our community. The church had graciously allowed us to use their baptismal font after their traditional 11 am service. Perfect. They would leave and we would arrive - no problem. Except that my friend freaked out. She was intimidated by the steeple, its people, and the formality of the environment. We survived the trauma. Barely.

Her shame attack was associated with past experiences in a church that sounded more like John the Baptist than Jesus. Remember? John was all about repentance. He went around in grunge attire shouting, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near." People traveled great distances to take him up on his offer to wash away their past and start fresh.

To us, John the Baptist sounds like he is issuing some sort of threat. Why can blame us? That is how it is presented in many churches. To the people who followed John this was a promise. My friend had years of triggered messaging from a church that preached a message of fire and brimstone to her, a young woman who feared she was dancing very close to the flames. Her experience resulted in shame and guilt but their experience, those who heard the message of John, was one of pardon. My friend heard her pastor demanding that she own up to her depravity, ego and pride. But this message was ineffective because these were not her core issues!

My friend's core issue was hopelessness. John the Baptist preached the message of repentance BEFORE Jesus stepped up and taught us the concept of grace. This was not a haphazard or mixed message from God to us. God gets us. God is not focused on us as miserable sinners; he is well aware that what we need is faith in HIS commitment and power to renew and restore what humanity breaks. Soon the weather will be warm and our community will return to the water for another opportunity to wash away the past and start fresh. Our usual spot is the James River. The bottom is rocky, the water often brown with swirling mud; I usually see a snake or two observing our ritual. I'm always glad when it is over and we all manage to safely return to shore. It seems more fitting, somehow, to enter into those rocky rapids with a little fear and trembling.

A Life That Feels Good…

“Instead of hustling to build a life that looks good, what if you slowed down and cultivated a life that feels good?”

Erica Layne

Although I appreciate this quote, I think it requires some unpacking. Obviously, building a life that only “looks good” is easy to digest. Describing one’s life as “looking” good but building a life that is not objectively “good” reminds me of fake rings. It sparkles until you wear it for a week and then you end up with a finger that looks like gangrene is setting in.

This morning I had a protein smoothie packed with fruits and vegetables. In a sense, it feels good to swig it down. I know it is nutritious and I love a good smoothie. I “feel” good about making a healthy choice to start my day.

But you know what else FEELS good? An egg Mcmuffin. Specifically - a McDonald’s egg Mcmuffin. Last week I chose to eat one of those after an early morning visit to my doctor to draw blood in preparation of my yearly physical. That hot, crunchy muffin with perfectly melted cheese, egg and Canadian bacon was delish. I LOVED it and it FELT like a little slice of heaven sliding past my lips and into my tummy. This is a once in every five years or so food choice for me. It is not a deadly sin but it is also not the most healthy food choice a human can make.

So we have to beware, don’t we? We have to be careful about how we evaluate “good”. I appreciate Erica’s advice. Slow down. Cultivate a life that is good and feels good. I continue to find satisfaction in my protein smoothies so long as I slow down and pay attention to what really feels good. It feels good to fit into my britches. It feels good to be able to run down the street with my grandchildren. It feels good to have stamina for long days and the occasional short night. It feels good to slow down and figure out how best to take care of the only body my soul has to reside in.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

The Power of Imagination

The past can steal your present if you let it. You can spend hours, days, weeks, months, or even years overanalyzing a situation from the past...Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and walk out the door and into the sunlight.

Marc and Angel Cheernoff

Imagination is a wonderful coping strategy. Especially if we use it to our advantage. Marc and Angel’s suggestion to “leave the pieces on the floor and walk out the door and into the sunlight” sparks my imagination for recovery and change.

What if...we came to believe that any situation from the past, no matter how upsetting, does not have to steal our capacity for living in the warm light of the sun?

What if...we came to understand that the “why” is not often where we find forgiveness, grace and mercy? What if we grappled with the ill effects of ruminating and began to let that destructive habit go?

How could we use our imagination to spur us forward, toward the light?