Accepting Imperfections

“Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. And I will choose how the story ends.”

Brene Brown

She waited patiently for a good time. She didn’t push it. She was trusting that she was supported and held by a God who loved her and him, and she could bide her time. Finally, a little thing called a pandemic hit. And they were quarantined at home alone. One morning, after a great breakfast, she took the plunge.

“Kevin, I need to apologize to you. Last week when I asked you about your golfing trip, I was not very clear about my intentions. I apologize. That being said, I would like to try to repair that previous conversation by taking a bit more responsibility for my lack of clarity.” He tries to downplay it and move on to another subject.

“I appreciate your forgiveness, I really do. But I have an issue here, it is mine, I need to address it and it is not good for us if I sweep it under the rug. I love you and I want you and me and us to be good. Can you listen to me for a few minutes?” He slumps back in his chair at the kitchen table and reluctantly agrees.

* What imperfections do you need to accept about yourself before proceeding? We all have them. It’s important to own them and be aware of them.

PS. All the blogs about mediation were inspired by a talk given by Denise Carl during a Family Education Meeting one Thursday evening, on August 27th. She referenced Robert Myers as the original source. Mistakes in interpreting Denise’s teaching are all mine. Hers was perfect.

When Self-Protection Damages Authenticity...

On any given day, our best is not great. Imperfect. Human. So let’s try to love one another well, in very practical ways, along the way!

“If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief.”

Brene Brown

In today’s quote from Brown, she’s suggesting that leading from a defensive position of self-protection can be bad for our health. This is interesting, right? It seems to me that when I am concerned about my safety, it comes from a place of trying to escape or avoid harm. Notice that her alternative suggestion is not to take up skydiving or snake handling. This is an important contextual clue. If I understand her, I believe what she is saying is that when the cost of self-protection is authenticity, something is off.

In a world where we have so often assessed someone’s character by isolating a particular behavior and ignoring other information, authenticity does indeed feel less safe than riding a bicycle backwards on a mountain road with no helmet. Authenticity requires us to stick to our own stories. It requires some measure of vulnerability - you never really know who has your back until you expose your heart. Judgment has no place in the story because I just cannot figure out how anyone can even try to be authentic and vulnerable if they are sitting in judgment of anyone - including themselves.

Tomorrow, I will share a story about authenticity in the midst of conflict. For today, can you think of a time when you avoided authenticity in favor of playing it safe?

A New Way of Dealing with Imperfections

In yesterday’s blog I asked readers to consider imperfections from Brene Brown’s perspective: “as reminders that we are all in this together.” Too often imperfections are seized upon as objects of ridicule, criticism and judgment. This way of thinking about imperfections does NOT create warm fuzzy feelings of connectedness.

What if she’s right? How might we embrace this new way of dealing with imperfections?

One simple solution might be to separate the behavior from an assessment of character. Here is an example:

When someone is, shall we say, less than honest with us (in our opinion), instead of telling others that this person is a liar, maybe we should have a conversation with said person. Be curious. Ask for clarification. And don’t try to set them up! Don’t bring your mental video of what you think happened and spring it on them like Perry Mason!

Be direct without being aggressive. “Hey, yesterday you said...quote… and I need to circle back around because I’m confused and I really want to understand. Here’s why. Previously, you said….quote…. And unless I am way off base, both of these things do not fit together. What am I missing?” There are a kazillion things that could be going on here. A person can lie without being a liar (one’s a behavior, the second is a character defect). A person can say things that are confusing to others because they are both true in different contexts, not because they are lying in one case and telling the truth in another.

Perfectly Imperfectly Human

“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”

Brene Brown

Imperfect. Imperfectly human. Made in the image of God. Still, with all that image-bearing potential, we are imperfect. My grandchildren are wonderfully made and completely embracing their imperfections. I wish I were able to do the same with my own imperfections.

No healthy adult burdens a child with character assassinations simply for being imperfectly human. When one of my grandkids grabs, scratches or hits the other - the offender is removed and given a break. They sit. They count. They breathe. They return to the family activity. No one accuses them of being mean or violent or selfish or rude because those are judgment words. If we can manage as a family to NOT assassinate their character as we continue to train them in righteousness, I don’t think either one of them will be tempted to turn to serial killing for sport. But not everyone is so lucky.

During quarantine I’ve been cleaning out the corners of my house. I finally got around to old family photos, trying to pare them down to a more manageable size. I found old pictures of myself from all stages of life and I thought: Wow. I looked normal. This is NOT the message I received from a few of the people I loved and looked up to. These messages fundamentally changed me in ways I still have to account for in terms of my mental health self-care. Did anyone intend harm? I doubt it. I do believe we are all doing the best we can AND sometimes our best is not very effective. How have imperfections been handled in your world? More on suggestions for change tomorrow.