Responsibility vs Fault

My mom's death was...complicated and it left me completely bereft. I desperately wanted to understand the circumstances surrounding it. But there was no way that would ever happen because the parties involved all had their own experiences that colored their interpretation of said events...including me. But it was a great lesson in learning that problems can be powerful, and less painful, when we take full responsibility for the issue at hand. Problems can be powerful in that they provide us an opportunity to self-examine, reflect, and notice our failures, blindspots and even innocent-ish mistakes.

One of the issues that slowed my own recovery from this traumatic event was my confusion over responsibility versus fault. My therapist kept telling me, "This is not your fault" and she was right but it was hard for me to agree with her.

Over time, I came to realize that I resisted her determined attempts to draw a distinction between responsibility and fault because if I could find a way I was at fault, I unconsciously believed I could find a way to control and change the outcome. Which, when I think about it, is really silly. But it is true. I also had the opposite problem. There were parts of this family drama that I absolutely did not want to claim any fault for - no way! I did not know how to believe that I could be responsible without being at fault. And, I struggled to think about how to be responsible in areas where I was at fault.

Here is what was helpful for me. Fault is past tense. We find someone at "fault" as a result of the decisions they already made. Responsibility is what we choose to do in the present moment. Responsibility is claimed as we make choices in the here and now.

There are people whose decisions and their outcomes can result in fault being found and named. But no one is responsible for my situation because my situation is always my responsibility. The guy who hit us head on was at fault for speeding, driving on worn out tires and trying to change his radio while smoking a cigarette and navigating a turn on a rainy day. But only I am be responsible for how I follow up after the accident. I had to choose how to treat my medical conditions; our family had to choose the next vehicle. He is not responsible for that even though his faulty driving resulted in us needing to take on some additional responsibilities.

If you were able to separate fault from responsibility, would any of your nagging problems become more clear? Would solutions present themselves? Would life feel a bit more free from the burden of complicated grief?

Taking Responsibility for Our Interpretations…

It is absolutely true that we do not always get a vote in what happens to us. Years ago when someone hit us head on one rainy morning in November, we were in our lane. Pete was on full alert. He saw the car barreling toward us and he did everything he could to avoid the crash. We still crashed. Our car was totaled. The other driver was declared "at fault". But we were responsible for the clean up. We had to make the insurance claim, we had to get another car, we had to do the medical follow up required for my injuries.

We were also responsible for how we interpreted what happened to us as well as how we responded.

I was initially furious with the young man. I wanted someone else to take responsibility for my problems. Eventually, because my attorney is a great friend and no one else received a head injury like I did - calm prevailed. We chose to see it for what it was - an accident. This young man did not set out to lose control of his car.

Even when it seems like this is not the case - it is always true that we are constantly, actively interpreting and evaluating what is happening. We are jumping to conclusions and making assumptions. Our experiences - which are always limited - are gathered in our brain and shouting out explanations that may not have any basis in reality.

It is absolutely NOT true that if you pay your kid's rent she will be safe. She may not be homeless as a result of your generosity, but that does not guarantee her safety. She is responsible for her safety. Now, can she take full responsibility for her safety and still be unsafe? Absolutely. We do not always control what happens to us. But it is also true that we cannot control what happens to others.

This is why, if we want to grow and change, we need support and feedback. I did not know I had some bad habits that were causing my tennis ball to behave in ways that were frustrating. Who knew that I was taking my racket back way too far? Not me! But my tennis teacher knows, and he also knows how to help me correct my wild swing.

Here is the bottom line: We do not know what we do not know AND we are responsible for figuring what we do not know out if we want to grow up.

You Don’t Actually Know What’s Going on With Another Person

You may you think you know what’s going on with another person, but you probably don’t. You may think, “He’s just a narcissist.” But, in all likelihood, you have no clue whether or not that person is a narcissist.

You may think,”She’s just trying to manipulate me.” But, in all likelihood, you have no clue whether or not that person is trying to manipulate you. You may think, “He’s just looking for a hand out.” But, again, you don’t really know that. He might be more desperate than you’ve ever been.

When other people start to bother us, we tend to assume the worst.

What if you gut-checked your assumptions?

We’re always going to make assumptions. They will often be subconscious and difficult for us to control. But we may be able to learn how to respond in new and different ways.

Do you ever ask yourself, what if that isn’t true?

Do you ever ask yourself, what might be another interpretation of that person’s behavior?

It’s worth trying. You may very well find some grace for people you had previously written off.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

Learning to interpret other people

Earlier this year I attended a conference.  The location was lovely and the layout was definitely attender friendly.  As is my practice, I try to move from table to table and meet new people during the course of the event.  I do not prefer this, but I practice this because I think it is a resilient, healthy way to learn at a multi-day event.  I find that sometimes I learn as much from my seat mates as I do from the conference leaders.  

On day two I moved to a new table and one of the ladies at the table took some actions that filled me and my traveling companion (I like sitting with my friend.) instantly with bitter indignation, i.e., resentment.  The upshot was I ended up with no space on the table in front of me, had to back my seat up, crane around her to see, and perch my notebook precariously on my knees to write the copious notes I am habitually wired to take. My friend’s seat was unceremoniously moved and she squeezed in with her back to the speaker. We felt unwelcome.  I thought she was trying to get rid of me and soon realized my friend felt likewise.  I wondered if this gal had friends she preferred to sit with and maybe we were interfering with her plans for hanging with people she knew and enjoyed.

I did not initially recognize resentment as my issue because I was so busy ruminating over all the ways this lady was a poor representation of the work she was there to learn about (she was rude and ungracious).  After the morning break, we changed tables.  Which, come to think about it, I could have actually done as soon as I noticed how uncomfortable I was going to be at this lady’s table.

Instead of getting curious I was cranky.  I took it personally.  I observed her do this to every single person who sat next to her for the remainder of the event.  I eventually came to recognize that this is how she sets herself up to receive information.  Unaware?  Yes.  Intentionally rude?  Ehhh, I dunno.

I recognized in myself something that I hope to change in the future.  I realized that my own lack of self-awareness and my willingness to blame others for my level of comfort - rather than taking responsibility for myself - repressed my creative problem solving capacity.  Sheesh, I could have just moved!!  

I missed out on a morning of lovely table mates and lively conversation - something I found at all the other tables I visited.  I lost out not because of her actions but my own inaction.

Resentment is a distraction.  No wonder resilient people don’t hang onto it for long!