What NOT to Do!

Here are a few things to NOT do when you are trying to figure out how to thrive. First - suppressing stress does not work. I have a lovely friend who keeps telling me how she is awesome at powering through - and I agree with her. But the stress is building and she is starting to have symptoms, none of which she is able to see as stress related. That's ok. Her body will keep talking until she listens!

An example of another tried-and-failed attempt to manage my life is the ever-popular but still ineffective self-talk around being tough. It's when we keep fighting for what we believe is an important principle even though our attempts are failing miserably. This is fine when we are not stressed out. But when we are freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional this is not the time to go to war for our principles. This raises an important point. Standing up for our principles is a core value and often the only thing that stands between good people and evil. Someone stands up against evil, and others benefit. If we want to be a warrior, then it is even more important to handle our stress on all fronts. We do not win when we are surrounded on all sides and stripped of our weapons. On these days we need to ask for help SO THAT we can return to an advocacy role once we recover. I cannot stress this enough. Helpers need breaks. Helpers need to be human beings, even if they get called names in the process. There is no greater stress reliever in the world than to stop caring about what people who do not invest in your wellbeing say about you.

Who are you choosing to be your mirror? Who do you listen to for appropriate feedback?

Get Un-Stuck!

To review, first I had to learn that just because I have lots of strategies for coping with stressors did not mean I knew how to effectively deal with the stress. This was news to me. The book Burnout... by Emily and Amelia Nagoski continues to guide my new journey dealing with both parts of the stress equation.

I am learning how to step away from the situations that cause stress and not stop there! My next step needs to include leaning into and paying attention to my body and emotions. My body knows a lot of stuff that my brain and heart resist, ignore or misinterpret. Our brain, body and heart give us clues, very clear ones, to let us know when our stress levels are elevating. According to the Nagoski sisters, here are some signs to heed.

See how many of these questions you answer with a resounding, "Yes".

1. Am I doing the same pointless things repetitively? (Scrolling through facebook, watching mindless tv, distracting myself with food or alcohol or drugs, texting habitually, etc.)

2. Am I engaging in self-destructive behaviors? (Drinking too much, self-harm, eating in a disordered manner, sabotaging my dreams with inappropriate behavior, etc.)

3. Am I erupting inappropriately in ways that are out of proportion to the situation?

4. Am I hiding from my life? (Come home from work and watch cat videos while eating ice cream out of the carton, etc.)

5. Does my body feel out of whack? (Chronic pain, constant sickness, infections, inflammation, etc.)

So here's the thing we all need to wrap our brains around. Stress is not bad for us; getting stuck in the stress is what is harmful. It's a cycle; we have to figure out how to move through it.

The Healing of Physical Connection

Sometimes laughter does not work and pleasantries are not enough to support our recovery from stress. This is when we need a deeper connection with a loving presence. During my sorrowful season I relied on a couple of dear humans to walk with me, text with late at night, talk to on the phone when needed. These took a lot of time but my friends were willing to give it to me without condition. My husband gave me long hugs and many "six-second kisses" - a concept we will talk about in a second. My kids visited and did not let me forget I was acting "off" without becoming condescending or nagging. My brother and his family, also suffering, sustained contact and visited.

This point is crucial. There have to be people in your life who allow you to "receive" without expecting anything in return. We need people who allow us to be a "human being" not only a "human giving." We need people who see beyond our job title or their expectations.

John Gottman, a relationship researcher, says that affection on this level is the equivalent of a "six-second kiss." That's a loooonnnnng kiss. His research is around partners, not friends who take long walks with you! But he reports that the kiss tells our body that we are safe with our significant other. Another way to create this atmosphere of affection is with a hug. This is not a quick lean-in hug. This is a sustained hug. If you've watched Ted Lasso (and if you have not you should), in season two there is a long hug after an episode with one of the men and his abusive father. His coach comes in and gives him a HUG. He wraps him in his arms and the character, Jaimie, goes from a stiff-armed robot to a person crying shamlessly as they receive comfort. This kind of hug requires 20-seconds.

Human contact teaches our body that all is good!

Without being creepy and inappropriate, how can you give and receive affection on a regular basis and close that stress loop?

PS. Pets are perfectly acceptable substitutes as is finding "meaning in life" and prayer works too! The goal is to feel a connection outside one's self.

The Cycle Continues…

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski's book Burnout - the Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, they explain what this strange thing is and how we can use this knowledge to heal ourselves and support the healing of others. This information has proven helpful to me.

During the pandemic our community shut its doors and went to all virtual meetings for a solid year. During that time, people died and needed burying. Women had miscarriages. Children overdosed. Jobs were lost. Childcare became tricky for working parents. Weddings were planned and then postponed. There was no predictable end date when we could "get back to normal." People held different opinions on how we should approach this problem.

We are a hugging, hanging out kind of community. Many of us attend AA, NA, OA or another A. It's drummed into our heads that connection is key for survival. Zoom does not feel like connection. We are an economically diverse community - not everyone could connect virtually. It was a hot mess. And a chronic stressor. Every morning we woke up to the same chronic stress.

Our families had needs and we could not meet them in the same way we typically address needs. I don't know if you've noticed or not, but when people are really stressed out, their brains do not necessarily connect the dots. Pandemics make everything weird, which is fine so long as life is pretty normal otherwise. But what do you do when the funeral home tells you that visitors are not welcomed or masks are required and your spouse's side of the family believes that masks are the tool of the devil? This really happens!

Enter social appropriateness. A pastor cannot run just because we feel like hiding. A pastor cannot punch a guy in the face just because he calls you an abomination for wearing a mask. But our stress response does indeed tell us to run, punch, yell, kick, bite...survive. (Just so you know: pastors are NOT their job title.)

I remember one time when a guy at a conference I was speaking at tried to touch my breasts by using an excuse about adjusting my microphone. I averted the situation but I did not stop my stress cycle because I was polite. This does not complete the stress cycle.

What are we to do? We have to figure out how to complete the stress cycle or the chronic stress will figure out how to drop us to our knees.

To be continued…

Complete the Stress Cycle…

I often think about what it was like for my grandparents to live during the Great Depression. I understand that we are all feeling the stress of the pandemic, and it is bad, but what about living through a pandemic or war without air conditioning, reliable transportation, the internet, television, or access to food or a paycheck? That must have been brutal. My grandparents considered themselves lucky. Embedded in large families on both sides, among them they figured it out. My grandfather had a paycheck, his cousins had farms. He could give them money and they could supply him with food. Someone usually had some means of transportation for the clan, and they would ferry and barter and deliver goods among them. They survived.

Lately, I've been wondering if in the long run, they might be better off than many of us will be post pandemic because of the way they handled their stressors: they were able to complete their stress cycle. They had a need, they figured out who could meet it, they found ways to return the favor.

During the pandemic of 2020, 2021, etc., can we say the same? Does our stress cycle ever end? We are fighting about different political viewpoints but we are not leaning in and collectively serving one another - even if we disagree. This is not universally true. My friends Carolyn and Linda have put their nursing skills into good use and vaccinated the unvaccinated. My doctor tries to help me make sense of all the conflicting reports about best medical practices for living in a pandemic. My neighbor promised me that if we ran out of toilet paper, her stash was so large that she would share with me if needed. But as a collective, I do NOT think we are completing our stress cycles as the waves of stressors roll over us. We are not being as careful with our relationships as I think the situation warrants. We are escalating rather than de-escalating our stress.

I bet you wonder what a stress cycle is and how you might complete it. Stay tuned. We'll figure it out!