Just Say No

Just say no. Although this slogan was a complete failure in the war against drugs, it could still serve a purpose. When my friend Anne decided to become a goat and chicken mother on a little plot of land that certainly resembles heaven, she didn't get transported there through magic fairy dust. She had to DO a lot of purging.

For months I watched Anne let go of paintings, outfits, jackets, children's tea sets, matchbox cars, extra dishes and furniture. She had to actively reject the doubters and naysayers who thought a woman of a certain age might consider a lovely retirement home but perhaps should refrain from daring to dream that life could be MORE with LESS. Anne ignored it all; she discarded the advice of those who knew her but did not know the inclinations of her heart. Anne finally learned how to just say no so she could say yes to her life - not her friends' life or her children's life or even her beloved husband's life - her life.

I wonder if sometimes she felt the weight of rejection when not every single person jumped up and down with glee over her news to sell the family home and move. I myself remember floating the idea of downsizing one time with my adult kids and our son Michael said, "Who's going to pack up my childhood memories?"

I didn't know how to answer Michael then, but I do now - thanks to Anne. Now I would say to my son, "You. You carry your memories in your heart. You own the ones you save and the ones you pitch. You get to take the memories you treasure with you everywhere you go. Dad and I will text you our new address when we move."

Now, unlike Anne, Pete and I chose a different path of reinvention which required a home renovation. This means that all my children's memories are still packed away in storage bins with regular invitations from us to come retrieve them any time they want. We're still waiting on Michael to retrieve his precious memories - I suspect there is a lesson to be found in that small fact.

The word "NO" looks different for each of us but it does involve rejecting one thing for another. If we are not willing to purge, how will we ever make room for the newer, better problems and joys that await as we get more clarity about who we want to be when we grow up?

Day 21: Finding Joy in the Moment

Traditions often serve as sticky notes for our memories. One of my favorite traditions is when my friend Jean and I have our annual “cookie day”. Each year, early in December, we bake enough cookies to feed an army.

No one applauds our efforts. In fact, I can tell you that all our children (and both husbands) do not squeal with glee over all the cookies. These guys have the nerve to express preferences. Michael loves the cranberry with white chocolate. Scott grooves on the peanut butter topped with a chocolate kiss. Meredith and Carrie enjoy our efforts at healthy cooking – swearing that the ones with no sugar added, lots of zucchini and bananas are truly the best (which proves that our girls have interesting palates). All feel free to wonder aloud at some of our choices that they do not hesitate to give a thumbs down vote.

But here’s the secret to our success….we do not feel responsible for garnering the undying appreciation and unfettered approval of our families. We have a decades’ long tradition of cookie day…because it brings us joy! Every year brings a different kind of cookie day experience. A few years ago – a particularly difficult year of great loss – we cooked and cried. One year, we collectively celebrated a new baby in the clan and some marvelous spiritual breakthroughs. We felt festive, mostly. This year? We have not calendared it yet. We may be zooming our way through cookie day. Disappointing? Sure. But it will be one more memory Jean and I create and stuff in our memory chest of our shared life.

I suspect that many of us will adjust or even need to forego some of our long held traditions this year - if we are wise and do not want to create a super spreader event! Some of us will plow ahead and do exactly what we have always done and many who make this choice will be fine. But no matter where we end up in our decision making process, I pray that we will find joy. Joy in the moment. Acceptance of what is today, and hope for tomorrow.

We survive our crying Christmases by remembering the ones where we laughed with delight. Our joyous festivities are gratitude-filled when we remember the years when we brought our sorrow to the family gathering. This is how life works. Don’t give up on tradition - even if you have to find a work around!!

Day 21: Finding Joy in the Moment

Traditions often serve as sticky notes for our memories. One of my favorite traditions is when my friend Jean and I have our annual “cookie day”. Each year, early in December, we bake enough cookies to feed an army.

No one applauds our efforts. In fact, I can tell you that all our children (and both husbands) do not squeal with glee over all the cookies. These guys have the nerve to express preferences. Michael loves the cranberry with white chocolate. Scott grooves on the peanut butter topped with a chocolate kiss. Meredith and Carrie enjoy our efforts at healthy cooking – swearing that the ones with no sugar added, lots of zucchini and bananas are truly the best (which proves that our girls have interesting palates). All feel free to wonder aloud at some of our choices that they do not hesitate to give a thumbs down vote.

But here’s the secret to our success….we do not feel responsible for garnering the undying appreciation and unfettered approval of our families. We have a decades’ long tradition of cookie day…because it brings us joy! Every year brings a different kind of cookie day experience. A few years ago – a particularly difficult year of great loss – we cooked and cried. One year, we collectively celebrated a new baby in the clan and some marvelous spiritual breakthroughs. We felt festive, mostly. This year? We have not calendared it yet. We may be zooming our way through cookie day. Disappointing? Sure. But it will be one more memory Jean and I create and stuff in our memory chest of our shared life.

I suspect that many of us will adjust or even need to forego some of our long held traditions this year - if we are wise and do not want to create a super spreader event! Some of us will plow ahead and do exactly what we have always done and many who make this choice will be fine. But no matter where we end up in our decision making process, I pray that we will find joy. Joy in the moment. Acceptance of what is today, and hope for tomorrow.

We survive our crying Christmases by remembering the ones where we laughed with delight. Our joyous festivities are gratitude-filled when we remember the years when we brought our sorrow to the family gathering. This is how life works. Don’t give up on tradition - even if you have to find a work around!!