Virtue Sets the Coordinates

I am not going to try to find the perfect scripture for what I am about to say because I believe it would require cutting and pasting the entire bible. So allow me to summarize. You carry within you the capacity for virtuosity. Now, I know, this word is rarely used to describe a person but hang with me. Technically, this word means "great skill in music oranother artistic pursuit" (Oxford Languages).

And that is exactly what I intend to convey about you and all humans. When we bear the image of God, it is not a replica, it's a tiny piece. You are not THE God or even A God, but you bear his image by holding within your spirit a virtue that is attributable to God. You arrived with it and I assume we take it back with us when we return to our heavenly home.

This virtue is what needs to be mirrored to us and rarely is. This virtue, once identified, sets the coordinates for the rest of our work as long as we live. This virtue, when combined with the virtues carried in the bodies of all the other humans on earth will change the world.

It will be virtue that will bring heaven to earth.

And we will have to release our habitual ways of being in the world to allow it to rise up and take hold of your choices.

If you do not know what your virtue is, do not give up the hunt. For you life will not longer be about what you lack, get wrong, or have been hurt by. Your life will be one big adventure of ridding yourself of any of the ties that bind you to your small way of seeing yourself, your false beliefs and limited thoughts, your mis-guided albeit sincere emotions and your unproductive way of doing things.

Keep looking. You are in there. You are worth the fight.

Mirror, Mirror

If our brain, limited as it is, jumps to conclusions and makes some assumptions early in life, it is pretty darn hard to get those pesky and wrong-headed beliefs and thoughts to vacate the premises. Honestly, I liken it to a Christmas miracle.

How does it happen? I do not know, but I can share a bit about what happened to me.

I had some really, really gentle and great mirroring. The mirror effect is a reflection of one's self through the gaze of others. Gentle mirroring can build rapport and trust, if done with discernment and wisdom. Here is the trick. We all have "mirror neurons" in the parietal lobe region of the brain. It is located at the upper back area in the skull. It processes sensory information and is really quite good at picking up cues like anxiety (which is why anxiety is catching) and whatnot.

Some people, due to the way their own brain is built with its own set of preconceived notions, are like fun house mirrors. They PROJECT their image of themselves on you. For example, if I am feeling anxious, I might project on Pete by saying, "Are you ok? How are you feeling? Is something bothering you?" I'm the one having all the feelings, but I am projecting my feelings on him, maybe even my thoughts and beliefs.

Another fun house mirror distortion is INTROJECTION. A person walks into a room and notices someone who is feeling uncomfortable, agitated, sad. And the person who walked into the room feeling happy and excited for the dinner party all of a sudden thinks, "Wow. Something is wrong with me. I'm feeling uncomfortable, agitated and sad." No, they are not. They just picked up someone else's vibes and confused them with their own.

So here's what I learned that is really important. Your mirrors matter. Once I did not have so much exposure to fun house mirrors, the voices in my life began to sing a song, in sync and perfect rhythm that kept reflecting back to me, "You can make mistakes. You do not have to be responsible for making everyone happy or solving their problems. Get some new problems. Your problems. What problems do you want to solve that are yours?"

So, if no one has ever said this to you before, let me channel my inner Mary Oliver and paraphrase her - each of us only has one wild and precious life - what do you want to do with yours? What problems do you have to solve to live it? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need therapy? Do you want to do some Enneagram work with me or someone else who guides you through the growth path most suited for you? Do you want to change jobs? Do you want to change houses? Do you want to play a bit better tennis or golf or tiddlywinks? Solve those problems.

A Path Forward…

Yesterday I talked about my grandson’s “mirror moment” when he saw his beloved cousin Norah imitating his best tantrum moves. Mirrors can be extremely helpful in the gym for improving our form. Metaphorical mirrors like the experience Christian had can also be helpful. They assist us in seeing how we are behaving in ways that, for whatever reason, we might want to change. This helps us see what we don’t like, but then what? We need a path forward.

I am a fan of self-reflection and taking stock. But I also need guidance and good coaching. Otherwise, my self-reflection is more likely to result in rationalizations and justifications for my actions with a side order of denial thrown in for good measure. The prayer of St. Francis provides a suggested path forward. Today, let’s look toward the horizon… and pray:

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace -

That where there is hatred, I may bring love -

That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness -

Where there is discord, I may bring harmony -

Where there is error, I may bring truth -

Where there is doubt, I may bring faith -

Where there is despair, I may bring hope -

Where there are shadows, I may bring light -

Where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted -

To understand than to be understood -

To love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Live.

The St. Francis Prayer

Mirror, Mirror

My grandchildren are learning how to throw amazing tantrums. During our traditional Sunday lunch, Scott instructed his daughter to sit up in her chair. Norah considered this cruel and unusual punishment and let us all know by sliding out of her chair onto the floor and melting down in a toddler tantrum. I noticed her cousin giving her the side eye with a little smile thrown in for extra charm.

“Christian, what do you think of that?” I ask, nodding toward Norah.

“Norah is having a fit Meme. She needs a snack or a nap.” he replies.

“Yeah, but what do you think about it? Where do you think she learned her moves?”

“I dunno,” he shrugs and shows all the indications of a male child quickly losing interest in a subject his grandmother finds fascinating.

“Dude, those are all your moves! She is TOTALLY imitating you!”

A troubling look of possible self-realization passes over his cherubic face and then he makes his counter move. “No way Meme! I do not do that!”

“Oh, yes you do my friend. This is what it looks like when you have trouble leaving Meme and Pop’s house, or when Mom gives you consequences. If you don’t like this way of handling problems, we could talk about new ways to handle big feelings, just let me know.”

He nods. So often we see (and judge) in others behaviors that we do not recognize in ourselves. Although Christian has yet to take me up on a conversation about coping with big feelings, I did notice this past Sunday that when I gave him his “transition” time warning for heading home, he and I made eye contact as he was lifting up his little foot for a big stomp. He pauses and quietly lowers his foot. He pauses; he nods. He leaves without a whimper at the appointed time. Sometimes it helps to look into a mirror of sorts

Do you like what you see in your mirror? Are there any behaviors, beliefs, or attitudes that you find particularly annoying in others? Can you find some common ground? If so, we might also find more empathy for others and maybe a gentle impetus to change a few things in ourselves.

A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world. Everyone you meet is your mirror.

Ken Keyes Jr.