Affirm Everything and Everyone You Can

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

I facilitated a grief group early in 2021 and one of the things I joked with that group about is that I’m becoming an affirmation evangelist. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person that has said, “Yep, I feel completely and totally affirmed. I’m affirmed everywhere I go, at work, at home, my kids, my wife, everyone heaps affirmation on me.”

Most people struggle to feel affirmed. The reason for this is simple: We don’t offer much explicit affirmation.

And, at the same time, most people really appreciate affirmation. Affirmation is motivating- it helps you feel like your efforts are recognized, and this creates a sense that you belong.

I am, admittedly, terrible at affirming. I’m trying to do it more often- and I think I’m succeeding…but only because I used to affirm not at all. So, something is better than nothing…I guess.

Here are some tips for affirming:

-Make mental notes of things you appreciate about others

-State those mental notes out loud to people who do the things you appreciate. But, here’s the trick, don’t use any “value” language. Don’t say that what the other person did is “good,” or “better,” or even “great.” Simply state it as an observation.

When we use words like, “good,” “better,” or, “best,” we are unintentionally communicating that we’re the ones with the right to judge the qualities of another person- so it sounds condescending even though we don’t mean it to be. It’s sort of the same as saying, “I’m proud of you.” It’s a really nice sentiment- but it’s the same idea- it kind of also says, “I’m higher up than you.”

Here are some examples-

Instead of: You’re a good cook.

Try: Your food is delicious.

Instead of: You showed good perseverance.

Try: You are really diligent.

The trick is to look for qualities that another person displays and to simply notice them. By “qualities” I mean anything you notice and appreciate about another person. Such as: reliability, empathy, timeliness, attentiveness, helpfulness, and so on. Pick a trait that you see in another person and just say, “You are ______.”

You may think that’s too simple and won’t make much of an impact. I assure you- doing this regularly will make far more of an impact than trying to heap praise on a very occasional and irregular basis.

People Who are Struggling Are Difficult to Affirm

When someone is struggling they don’t act like their “best selves.” This means they will likely be more irritable and less cheerful. They might be moodier. They might criticize you more, or be more withdrawn, or distracted. In other words, they are going to do fewer activities that seem worthy of affirmation.

The question becomes, then, do we want to respond to this behavior in a way that amplifies it or pacifies it? Do we want to help it become better or worse?

Mostly when someone is driving us nuts we want them to stop doing the things that drive us nuts. However, we respond by settling for fighting fire-with-fire. If someone snaps at me, I snap at them. If someone criticizes me, I criticize them, and so on.

The reality is, in most cases we are not going to argue someone from being irritable into being cheerful. However, showing patience, gentleness, and kindness, might help. We cannot, of course, fix another person’s problems. We cannot coerce someone into going from unpleasant to pleasant. But what we can do is avoid piling on during tough times.

You don’t even have to find something current to affirm. You can simply affirm that person for what they have meant to you. For instance, “I know you know this, but I just wanted to tell you again that you are one of my most valued friends.”

Small things can make a big difference.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29

Affirming Others Helps You Become Who YOU Want to Be

I have been trying to practice offering more affirmations over the last few months. I am slow to learn. Like I said a few days ago, it feels like it takes a surprising amount of effort. The reality is, I often just don’t feel like it.

I don’t want to give examples because I don’t want to embarrass anyone who might be reading this, but I can say I have noticed something very strange about offering someone an affirmation: It makes me feel more like...well...me. Or, at least, it makes me feel more like the me I want to be.

I want to be someone who builds others up. I want people who come into contact with me to feel like my presence contributed to their hope, or joy, or sense of belonging (and/or more). When you affirm someone, you can often see very clearly from their facial expressions that you contributed to that person feeling good (or maybe better). And that’s a good feeling.

If you’re struggling to feel like you are truly becoming who you want to be, practice affirming someone. Let them know how much they mean to you. Let them know how much you appreciate their sense of humor, or their wisdom, or their loyalty, or their willingness to help, or their courage, or whatever it is.

Try it. You may find that it makes you a better you.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29