People Who are Struggling Are Difficult to Affirm

When someone is struggling they don’t act like their “best selves.” This means they will likely be more irritable and less cheerful. They might be moodier. They might criticize you more, or be more withdrawn, or distracted. In other words, they are going to do fewer activities that seem worthy of affirmation.

The question becomes, then, do we want to respond to this behavior in a way that amplifies it or pacifies it? Do we want to help it become better or worse?

Mostly when someone is driving us nuts we want them to stop doing the things that drive us nuts. However, we respond by settling for fighting fire-with-fire. If someone snaps at me, I snap at them. If someone criticizes me, I criticize them, and so on.

The reality is, in most cases we are not going to argue someone from being irritable into being cheerful. However, showing patience, gentleness, and kindness, might help. We cannot, of course, fix another person’s problems. We cannot coerce someone into going from unpleasant to pleasant. But what we can do is avoid piling on during tough times.

You don’t even have to find something current to affirm. You can simply affirm that person for what they have meant to you. For instance, “I know you know this, but I just wanted to tell you again that you are one of my most valued friends.”

Small things can make a big difference.

Don’t let any foul words come out of your mouth. Only say what is helpful when it is needed for building up the community so that it benefits those who hear what you say.

Ephesians 4:29