The Cycle Continues…

In Emily and Amelia Nagoski's book Burnout - the Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, they explain what this strange thing is and how we can use this knowledge to heal ourselves and support the healing of others. This information has proven helpful to me.

During the pandemic our community shut its doors and went to all virtual meetings for a solid year. During that time, people died and needed burying. Women had miscarriages. Children overdosed. Jobs were lost. Childcare became tricky for working parents. Weddings were planned and then postponed. There was no predictable end date when we could "get back to normal." People held different opinions on how we should approach this problem.

We are a hugging, hanging out kind of community. Many of us attend AA, NA, OA or another A. It's drummed into our heads that connection is key for survival. Zoom does not feel like connection. We are an economically diverse community - not everyone could connect virtually. It was a hot mess. And a chronic stressor. Every morning we woke up to the same chronic stress.

Our families had needs and we could not meet them in the same way we typically address needs. I don't know if you've noticed or not, but when people are really stressed out, their brains do not necessarily connect the dots. Pandemics make everything weird, which is fine so long as life is pretty normal otherwise. But what do you do when the funeral home tells you that visitors are not welcomed or masks are required and your spouse's side of the family believes that masks are the tool of the devil? This really happens!

Enter social appropriateness. A pastor cannot run just because we feel like hiding. A pastor cannot punch a guy in the face just because he calls you an abomination for wearing a mask. But our stress response does indeed tell us to run, punch, yell, kick, bite...survive. (Just so you know: pastors are NOT their job title.)

I remember one time when a guy at a conference I was speaking at tried to touch my breasts by using an excuse about adjusting my microphone. I averted the situation but I did not stop my stress cycle because I was polite. This does not complete the stress cycle.

What are we to do? We have to figure out how to complete the stress cycle or the chronic stress will figure out how to drop us to our knees.

To be continued…

A Problem Solver…

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear."

Mark Twain

"Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian."

Shari R. Barr

I don't think I'm much of an influencer, but, if being practical and solving problems is helpful - I'm your girl. I can find a problem when no one else is even looking - which can be anxiety producing. Others might not understand how I work, it might be hard to notice that my fear does not arise from the problem but more often from the belief that others are not paying attention to the problems that will arise as a result of ignoring important realities. I am also decent at problem solving, keeping the people I love safe and being predictable. Need action and adventure? Keep looking. But if you appreciate loyalty and steady commitment from a person, I'm you gal.

Could this be you? Can you think of others in your life who have this capacity and inspire you?

A Mighty Good Start…

Yesterday I talked about my friend with the overbearing mom. Her mom, unwittingly perhaps, taught her daughter from a young age that she would never be competent or good enough or responsible enough to solve her own problems. Mom over-reached, over-corrected and over time, my friend developed this bad habit of not trusting herself. Who can blame her?

Recovery helped my friend regain her footing and find her adult self. She says it has been a huge blessing in her life. She tells me that recovery has taught her as much about healthy relationships as it has supported her recovery. Through therapy and 12-Step meetings and support groups, my friend has learned that healthy relationships are when two people solve their own problems while cheering each other on.

Her mom has it backwards. She tries to solve my friend's problem while tearing her daughter down.

Until recently, my friend believed that there was nothing she could do to solve this problem, but it was because she was worrying about solving the wrong problem - her mother. In a way, my friend was modeling what had been taught and modeled by her own mom - worry about other people's issues and ignore your own.

Today, my friend has chosen to assume that her mother is as unchanging as the taste of a Big Mac. But she can change, and she's figuring that out. She has some options, but all of them include absolutely refusing to change her own decisions, plans, and actionable items in pursuit of her own dreams and goals not matter what her mother says. That's a mighty good start if you ask me.

Stop Wasting Energy on Other’s Problems

When we are feeling certain and maybe a little stubborn, that is a great cue to stop and pause to prepare. We might want to ask another question - "What problem am I solving here?" and its twin - "What problems might I cause if I keep pressing on my certain way of seeing?"

I stood in line and received my vaccine for the coronavirus with complete gratitude and without hesitation. But not everyone I love saw the situation through the same lens of understanding. I am happy to express my gratitude for the vaccine without having to waste an ounce of energy on judging the opinions of others. I have decided that worrying about what others decide is a waste of energy and not in keeping with my core values.

After all, I thought, what problem am I solving by getting into the middle of someone else's decision? What problems might I cause if I press my certain way of seeing on others? Plenty! Because it will just stir up dissension and conflict - who needs that? Isn't there more than enough of that to go around?

Where I need to spend my energy is looking at the statistics for vaccination rates in my community and making the best decision I can about how to proceed with my own choices based on the information I have - which, of course, may be wrong, or not quite right, or inaccurate. I cannot ever really know 100% for sure. I will have to trust myself to make the best choices I can make. But it will be an absolute waste of precious energy to try to make choices for others.

How much energy do you waste trying to solve other people's problems? What do you want to let go of?

Still Growing

I want to warn you about new problems. Most people will prefer that you keep your old ones because they are predictable for them, and they never have to re-evaluate their assumptions about you. This is unpleasant for the brain who craves consistency over wisdom, habit over discernment.

My beloved tennis playing husband has a whole new set of problems now that I can place my serve and my cross-court backhand is smoking. He has a new set of angles to consider because I am getting to the corners and running into the net like I mean business. I still miss a fair number of these shots, but I am making him think and his brain HATES that.

But here is what we both love. We love that we know that we may be old but we are still growing. THAT is very sexy. Go be your sexy self today!

Change something!