Disillusioned

Anyone who knows me understands that as of late, I have questioned my purpose for living. I have asked my husband and children, "Did I ruin our lives when I agreed to leave our cozy nest at 'big church' and strike out on this pilot project in 1999 that is still chugging along in 2021?" No one has exactly given me a ringing endorsement that no, indeed not, I did not ruin our lives. Instead, they have hugged me and allowed me to process my own grief and suffering with a lot of support. And peanut butter.

As usual, the scriptures find a way to sit with me.

When John heard in prison what the Messiah was doing, he sent his disciples to ask him, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" Matthew 11:2 NIV

John the Baptist, the guy who foretold the coming of Christ and preached repentance with vim and vigor, wants to know what the heck is going on here. He's in prison NOT for following his call to declare the coming of the Lord. He's locked up because he condemned Herod for marrying his brother's wife. Soon John's head will roll, quite literally, because a wicked mother encouraged her daughter to ask for his head on a platter FOR HER BIRTHDAY! Sheesh. Jesus is NOT doing what John expected the Messiah to accomplish.

Jesus was SUPPOSED to end political oppression. Jesus was SUPPOSED to bring in a new ruler and a new authority. Jesus was SUPPOSED to clean up the corruption and get rid of the bad guys.

Last night Pete and I were out walking and I was reviewing my expectations for the last 22 years of my life. Early on, I would end most messages with a rousing, "We can do this!" Until I learned we could not. It seemed so...simple and clear to me back then and in some ways I see it the same today. IF we could pull together and commit to sacrificing for the greater good, we COULD make a difference. We COULD provide resources for suffering families. And - we can and we do. But it is not at all like I expected.

I want treatment to work and I want people to want to work at getting healed. I do. And treatment does work - sometimes. And people are able to manage their use disorders - more often than we hear about on social media. But I want it all NOW. No more deaths by suicide; no more overdoses; no more families ripped apart. Surely Jesus, who talks more about love than sin, who hangs out with my kind of people, who performs miracles and just all around GETS IT - wants the same thing?

Here's what we end up with. We end up with a God who supports us while we find our own answers. We get a God who allows us the privilege of living with the consequences of our actions. We end up with a God who holds us in his big hand when we wonder if we have ruined our life without feeling the need to offer false comfort.

Man, this faith stuff is a lot harder than I thought it was when I used to sing, totally off-key, "Trust and obey, for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey." Tomorrow, we'll consider why this is not bad news. Stay tuned.

Our Calling May Feel Like a Cluster Cuss

Mother Teresa of Calcutta is an iconic figure. She dedicated her life to the marginalized people in India and died at the age of 87 with an unblemished record of selfless and tireless ministry in the name of her faith without a single scandal, sexual or otherwise, throughout her life of service. Now THAT'S saying something!

People revere her. But Mother Teresa herself was deeply troubled, even tormented about her faith and periods of doubt about God. In a collection of letters she wrote over 66 years ("Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light") we see a woman whose experience of her purpose was wildly different from our perception of her calling. And guess what? She never wanted any of us to know this about her. The Vatican did not accede to her wishes and destroy her letters, keeping them instead as potential relics of a saint. I bet she is spitting mad.

Here's an excerpt. "I spoke as if my very heart was in love with God - tender, personal love," she wrote to one advisor. "If you were (there), you would have said, 'What hypocrisy.' " Although I would not want to meet Mother Teresa on the other side of eternity if I had published those personal outpourings of suffering, I am grateful to have the opportunity to read them. They provide me some perspective when I think about my own life, when I doubt my own value, when I question my own calling.

Mother Teresa made service a requirement of living without asking it to make her happy. Like that awful parable that Jesus wrote about the hard and relentless life and times of a servant, I appreciate the perspective and how it might inform my own sense of calling.

Living a purposeful life does not require it to be meaningful but instructs: JUST DO IT. (Nike stole it from Jesus is how I'm seeing it from Dr. Willimon's perspective.) Maybe you, like me, are having a sad day, week, month or year. Maybe you are questioning yourself, wondering if you are a lazy pastor because you couldn't figure out how to create magnificent worship experiences in a parking lot of a commercial office park. Ok. Have a good cry. But then get off your ass and do the next right thing for the role into which you were called: spouse, parent of an addict, daughter of an alcoholic, lawyer, IT professional, and or - God bless your soul - pastor. Whatever role is assigned; just do it. If it were easy and glamorous and personally fulfilling, Mother Teresa would not have 66 years of intimate letters (written to trusted advisors who turned her stuff over to the Vatican) filled with doubt and dissatisfaction.