Disillusioned
Anyone who knows me understands that as of late, I have questioned my purpose for living. I have asked my husband and children, "Did I ruin our lives when I agreed to leave our cozy nest at 'big church' and strike out on this pilot project in 1999 that is still chugging along in 2021?" No one has exactly given me a ringing endorsement that no, indeed not, I did not ruin our lives. Instead, they have hugged me and allowed me to process my own grief and suffering with a lot of support. And peanut butter.
As usual, the scriptures find a way to sit with me.
When John heard in prison what the Messiah was doing, he sent his disciples to ask him, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?" Matthew 11:2 NIV
John the Baptist, the guy who foretold the coming of Christ and preached repentance with vim and vigor, wants to know what the heck is going on here. He's in prison NOT for following his call to declare the coming of the Lord. He's locked up because he condemned Herod for marrying his brother's wife. Soon John's head will roll, quite literally, because a wicked mother encouraged her daughter to ask for his head on a platter FOR HER BIRTHDAY! Sheesh. Jesus is NOT doing what John expected the Messiah to accomplish.
Jesus was SUPPOSED to end political oppression. Jesus was SUPPOSED to bring in a new ruler and a new authority. Jesus was SUPPOSED to clean up the corruption and get rid of the bad guys.
Last night Pete and I were out walking and I was reviewing my expectations for the last 22 years of my life. Early on, I would end most messages with a rousing, "We can do this!" Until I learned we could not. It seemed so...simple and clear to me back then and in some ways I see it the same today. IF we could pull together and commit to sacrificing for the greater good, we COULD make a difference. We COULD provide resources for suffering families. And - we can and we do. But it is not at all like I expected.
I want treatment to work and I want people to want to work at getting healed. I do. And treatment does work - sometimes. And people are able to manage their use disorders - more often than we hear about on social media. But I want it all NOW. No more deaths by suicide; no more overdoses; no more families ripped apart. Surely Jesus, who talks more about love than sin, who hangs out with my kind of people, who performs miracles and just all around GETS IT - wants the same thing?
Here's what we end up with. We end up with a God who supports us while we find our own answers. We get a God who allows us the privilege of living with the consequences of our actions. We end up with a God who holds us in his big hand when we wonder if we have ruined our life without feeling the need to offer false comfort.
Man, this faith stuff is a lot harder than I thought it was when I used to sing, totally off-key, "Trust and obey, for there is no other way, to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey." Tomorrow, we'll consider why this is not bad news. Stay tuned.
