From Powerlessness to Acceptance

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we protect ourselves from uncomfortable truths we simultaneously prevent ourselves from discovering the appropriate response to our circumstances because we are not aware of even the need to respond.  Instead we live in reactivity, which is to say, we live un-consciously, allowing our response to the experience to remain hidden from view while our reactions wreak havoc in other unrelated areas.  

For example, we may argue with a partner over the house being dirty to release uncomfortable emotions hidden beneath the surface.  In reality, the only way to release (or let go of) the grief (or whatever uncomfortable thing you're coping with) beneath the surface is to acknowledge and sit with the grief.  When we aren't aware of how powerless we are, or when we fight our encounter with powerlessness, we commit ourselves to the ongoing insanity of letting out the tension beneath the surface only accidentally (as in the dirty house example).  

Accidental releases of tension provide a few minutes of relief, but they never satisfy us in the long run.

2021 Scott thoughts on Scott:

My biggest thought as I continue to read these is how mean I sound in print. Someone should have told me! (Just kidding. No blame shifting here.)

These days I really prefer the term acceptance to powerlessness. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the term powerlessness, of course, it’s just a word. And it happens to be a word with a long and fruitful history in recovery circles. 

I still struggle with reactivity- just as I did when I originally wrote this post. I am improving in the acceptance department though- and this really helps. 

Let’s be honest- a bulk of my conflict (and therefore reactivity) happens in marriage because it’s my “biggest” relationship. One of the other things I see happening over time is that I feel safer as time goes on. I learn that disagreements get resolved, I learn that Brittany and I can work to prioritize each other’s needs, and so on. It can’t be overstated how important a sense of “life safety” is- a sense that you’re seen, understood, and cared for, in managing stress, anxiety, reactivity, and so on. 

So rather than putting all the responsibility on ourselves to be less reactive, perhaps we should also consider prioritizing safe relationships.

Dial It Back: Recognizing Triggers

When triggered, I can be reactive. This has had its benefits, and its costs. One time when I was very very young I came upon a group of senior high school athletes in an isolated corridor of our school teasing a special needs student. They circled her, threw pennies at her feet and demanded she “dance for her money.” They laughed and clapped and she thought they were playing WITH her. They were not. I marched into the center of that circle and boy howdy, those boys must have thought their mothers and grandmothers and every strong woman who had ever given them what for had entered my seventh grade body. I gave them a talking to; forced them to get on the floor and pick up those damn pennies and apologize to my new friend. I have a vague memory of finger pointing, clear and direct shaming, and issuing threats that bore no meaning but evidently sounded convincing. That was reactive. I think it was a good thing because it turned out alright, but I wonder: should I have perhaps run for adult backup?

My reactivity has also been costly. I have said things I should not have meant nor spoken. I have been impulsive when restraint was called for. I have made bad situations worse. One tool that I have adopted to help me with my reactivity comes from the SMART Recovery worksheets. It’s called the cost-Benefit Analysis (Appendix B: Figure 3.4. Worksheets, SMART Recovery Handbook). One great thing about any habit that we form is that it is usually predictable. And if it is predictable, it means we can study it and learn how to do differently.

Example: I am triggered when I believe that a vulnerable person is being taken advantage of in some way. I react by trying to interrupt the injustice, call out the injustice, or bring justice into the situation. Yesterday, someone aggressively cut in front of someone in a pharmacy drive through pick-up line. I wanted to make that person get out of line and go to the back of the line. But my previous work on reactivity and my CBA (cost-benefit analysis) allowed me to use restraint.

Scenario: To react or NOT react

Answer the following questions:

What are the benefits of me reacting?

What are the costs of me reacting?

What are the benefits of me NOT reacting?

What are the costs of me NOT reacting?

After I answer these questions, I go back and consider short term and long term benefits and consequences. I notice that with some pondering, there are many times when restraint would be better than reacting. In this case, using my automatic CBA habit I have acquired, I chose to use restraint. This gave me time to come up with the following insights: Maybe the line breaker was in a crisis situation and they needed to butt in and is actually the most vulnerable person in this story; this was not my issue - nor my business; making a stink about this might interrupt grace in action; maybe this person is not well mentally and would get aggressive with me if I got all feisty with him; in the end - what is the real cost here to one line butt? Do you own cost analysis about your relationship with not practicing restraint - see what you discover!

God questions Cain's Anger

Then the Lord said to Cain, Why are you angry?  Why is your face downcast?  If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?  But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.”  

Genesis 4:6-7

God challenges Cain’s anger.  He invites Cain to consider his part in the story.  Cain has a part and his own decisions have led to God’s rejection of his offering.  

How hard it is for us to consider our part in a problem!!!  

But God also introduces a further problem.  He tells Cain that if Cain fails to manage his life, then forces bigger than Cain and his self-will may take away his freedom to choose.  The scripture calls this sin.  

Managing our emotions, our actions and even our thought life are key skills essential for a reasonably happy and healthy life.  Cain’s story serves as a cautionary tale and example of what happens when we get sloppy with our thoughts, feelings and actions.

Impulsivity and reactivity can have devastating consequences.  Until someone invents a time machine, we would do well to heed God’s word to Cain.  Some bells cannot be unrung.

Resentment by definition is all about us FEELING like someone is treating us unfairly.  But God is turning the tables on Cain and suggesting that all of this was within his responsibility and freedom to choose a different path.

How can this apply to you?