Dial It Back: Recognizing Triggers
When triggered, I can be reactive. This has had its benefits, and its costs. One time when I was very very young I came upon a group of senior high school athletes in an isolated corridor of our school teasing a special needs student. They circled her, threw pennies at her feet and demanded she “dance for her money.” They laughed and clapped and she thought they were playing WITH her. They were not. I marched into the center of that circle and boy howdy, those boys must have thought their mothers and grandmothers and every strong woman who had ever given them what for had entered my seventh grade body. I gave them a talking to; forced them to get on the floor and pick up those damn pennies and apologize to my new friend. I have a vague memory of finger pointing, clear and direct shaming, and issuing threats that bore no meaning but evidently sounded convincing. That was reactive. I think it was a good thing because it turned out alright, but I wonder: should I have perhaps run for adult backup?
My reactivity has also been costly. I have said things I should not have meant nor spoken. I have been impulsive when restraint was called for. I have made bad situations worse. One tool that I have adopted to help me with my reactivity comes from the SMART Recovery worksheets. It’s called the cost-Benefit Analysis (Appendix B: Figure 3.4. Worksheets, SMART Recovery Handbook). One great thing about any habit that we form is that it is usually predictable. And if it is predictable, it means we can study it and learn how to do differently.
Example: I am triggered when I believe that a vulnerable person is being taken advantage of in some way. I react by trying to interrupt the injustice, call out the injustice, or bring justice into the situation. Yesterday, someone aggressively cut in front of someone in a pharmacy drive through pick-up line. I wanted to make that person get out of line and go to the back of the line. But my previous work on reactivity and my CBA (cost-benefit analysis) allowed me to use restraint.
Scenario: To react or NOT react
Answer the following questions:
What are the benefits of me reacting?
What are the costs of me reacting?
What are the benefits of me NOT reacting?
What are the costs of me NOT reacting?
After I answer these questions, I go back and consider short term and long term benefits and consequences. I notice that with some pondering, there are many times when restraint would be better than reacting. In this case, using my automatic CBA habit I have acquired, I chose to use restraint. This gave me time to come up with the following insights: Maybe the line breaker was in a crisis situation and they needed to butt in and is actually the most vulnerable person in this story; this was not my issue - nor my business; making a stink about this might interrupt grace in action; maybe this person is not well mentally and would get aggressive with me if I got all feisty with him; in the end - what is the real cost here to one line butt? Do you own cost analysis about your relationship with not practicing restraint - see what you discover!
