Rise Up!

If stress is mitigated by finding a life of meaning, where do we discover it? Look inside.

Years ago I had some exposure to a wonderful tool called the Enneagram. Something inside me sang when I studied it. I thought it was comprehensive, complicated and intriguing. I wanted to learn more. I had this hunch that this might make a difference for people in recovery. My friend Jean and I even took a summer road trip to study with some folks who are well-respected in the field. We pursued more education, made some great friends and kept talking and learning and studying.

I got some emails about this suggesting that this was a tool of the devil and I was a bad pastor for talking about it. Some people complained about me talking about it too much - guilty as charged. They were right. The negative feedback stirred my insecurity about what I was learning and why I thought it was valuable. It reminded me of those conversations decades ago when some people through the 12-Steps were terrible and others through the 12-Steps were great but I was not equipped to understand them. This feedback did not bother me twenty years ago, but because I was already flirting with a nervous breakdown, the feedback on the Enneagram stung.

I began asking myself a question every evening as a spiritual discipline: So what? So what if I talk about it more than I should? So what if someone confuses a drawing of the Enneagram with the symbol of a Pentagram? So what?

This was a good growth question for me and it has changed my life.

The answer is this: I am a human being. I have the right to be a goofball. I have the right to get super enthusiastic about a subject that interests me. It is ok if someone does not agree or misunderstands. If they are curious, I have an opportunity to explain, if they are not, I really do not need the hassle of trying to explain to a person whose objective is to criticize. And the biggest "so what" of all...So what if no one else sees its potential, I see it and it is calling to me for further exploration.

Here's the most beautiful thing I discovered. While I lay on the floor in a puddle of defeat, I asked myself - what are you willing to sit up for? (Walking was too hard.) I am willing to sit up to hug my grandchildren and love my children and husband. What are you still interested in? I am still interested in loving others. How will you find the strength to do that if you can barely sit up? I do not know.

But one thing I did know: I could no longer get my cues from outside myself. I needed to dig in and dig deep. Who do I want to be when I grow up? This question was one I was willing, even eager, to explore. One of the topics that I was willing to explore was the Enneagram.

If you are smacked down, what is something you are willing to rise up for? Stay tuned.

We Can All Take the Journey

Constructive criticism in the early years of our community's formation was not limited to our visitors with church backgrounds. The local mutual aid societies were not exactly jumping up for joy to hear that a person who was not in recovery from an addiction was facilitating meetings for people who were or wanted to be and their families. I heard it over and over, "We're watching you." This did not feel like a warm endorsement.

"You know, young lady, everyone knows that it takes one to know one. I know you're trying, but you need to get back to big church and bake some cookies. We've got all the drunks and druggies covered." But what about their families? What about the ones for whom the 12-Steps are not working as a recovery path? Fortunately for me, I did not think that I was able to be all that helpful; I just thought somebody needed to do something to try to address these needs in a way that was supportive of those who were struggling.

Over the years we have formed some lovely relationships with the recovery community. After a little hazing, we eventually were granted entrance into the community with a common goal - encourage the hurting people who are searching for answers to a disease that is cunning, baffling and deadly. We must be aware of the danger of thinking that being of service is the equivalent of finding a life of meaning. Service to others can be a slippery slope. It can be condescending. It can also be toxic.

One of the things I learned, sadly, while I was melting down from the stress of my life, was that sometimes people see me as a caricature, not a human. They have ideas about what a pastor "should" do or not do, "should" preach on or not address, on and on and on. My work is to notice that and respond accordingly. These are people I can love and even serve, but these are not the voices that support my being. That's ok, I've got those bases covered. But it is extremely important for all of us, if we are going to close our stress cycles, to get real about who contributes to stress in our life and who mitigates it.

Joseph Campbell, known as the father of the "Hero's Journey" framework, talked about women and their role in such a journey. He said this, "Women don't need to make the journey. In the whole mythological journey, the woman is there. All she has to do is realize she's the place people are trying to get to." Ugh, sorry Joey, no.

Women are not a place; men are not the only gender that gets to embark on a journey. Stress is not created by people telling us what to think, do, believe and feel. Stress builds when we believe what people tell us without trusting what we know about ourselves.

Perspective and Principles

Twenty three years ago, give or take, we began what is now known as Northstar Community founded upon a deep and abiding respect for the principles and practices of mutual aid societies like Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. People did not prefer this. People from a faith background and years of church experience came and visited us in the early weeks and months and would often call me with feedback.

"Teresa, you may not have noticed this, but you do not have people stand up and greet each other at the start of your service. You know, this is how we do it in our church because it makes folks feel welcome." It also makes some people feel uncomfortable, especially folks trying to be anonymous.

"Teresa, I came over and you did not have a visitor card for me to fill out. You didn't take up an offering. Would you like me to bring you some cards and maybe get some ushers to volunteer to take up an offering?" I would not, because this is a pilot project and some of these folks are homeless and a few have warrants out for their arrest and no one wants to fill out a visitors card.

"Teresa, these 12-Steps you referred to today. They did not mention God once. What is this nonsense about a higher power? How can you expect me to be supportive of these efforts when those 12-Steps are so anti-God?" Well, actually, the writers of those twelve steps used the Bible to come up with the principles, particularly parts of Romans, 1 Corinthians and the entire book of James. I'm pretty sure the Oxford Group, who early on required baptism before attendance at an AA meeting would be pretty surprised to hear that we judged them so harshly.

Suffice it to say I received a lot of feedback that indicated that perhaps I was doing something wrong. None of this feedback was particularly stressful. Why? Because I was compelled by a strong inner voice that we were forging a path for the OTHER, not someone who had a faith background and years of church experience. I knew there were plenty of churches who had ushers and public greetings, but, as the scriptures say, "...the fields are ripe for the harvest, but the workers are few..."

There were people who did not feel comfortable with greetings and offering baskets and church buildings but they did feel at home in an AA meeting. Folks deserve at least one place in town that is set up for those who are interested in pursuing faith in an environment that respects their particular background. No one was wrong, people were just looking through different lens and coming to different conclusions. Eventually some folks find a church home and settle into it. Others stick around and some simply move on without leaving a forwarding address. Our beliefs and preferences can change. That's not a problem!

In any work we do, we have to make room in our mind, bodies, and spirit for feedback and the preferences of others. It will be easier if we have a strong sense of our own principles and preferences too. It will also help if we are not to stressed out - just in case people are more interested in telling us what they know rather than being curious about what we are learning - which can be frustrating.

If you are going to embark on an adventure, there will always be stressors. What are you doing to deal with your stressful situations and close your stress cycle?

Is it Good Judgment or Are You Being Judgemental?

Most Thursday nights I have the pleasure and privilege of participating in our Family and Friends Education Program at NSC, in partnership with some other really great organizations, like VCU's Rams in Recovery. This program is designed to support and educate families seeking recovery for a loved one. It is an amazing group; often, someone wants an "after meeting meeting" - in order to get a bit more personal about unpacking a particular crisis or chronic problem related to the topic of the evening.

One evening we talked about the characteristics that foster change: empathy, compassion, unconditional positive regard, etc. These principles are extremely difficult to figure out how to display when confronting a loved one whose addiction leads them to lie, cheat and steal without apparent remorse. (Which, for the record, is rarely true. Most people have deep shame and remorse about the places the disease takes them.)

"Teresa, I hear what you are saying, but I just do not buy it. There is just no way in hell I can withhold judgment after all my son has done. He's a thief. He's broken all the commandments plus a few no one even thought to mention. I am ashamed of my son and I want him to be ashamed too - maybe then he will change."

Yeah, well, it turns out that shame is not a great motivational tool. It encourages hiding and secrets and isolation. It is not helpful. As I listened to this heartsick parent lament, I realized that we need to have a follow up conversation that distinguishes between being judgmental versus having good judgment.

I was NOT advocating for abandoning good judgment. Good judgment in this instance might mean that these parents not give their kid a key to their home and ask him to water the plants and feed the dog when they go on vacation. That's using poor judgment. That's not living in reality. Their son is not capable of that level of responsibility. A parent can know this without being judgmental about this tough truth. There's a difference.

One of the words I over-use on Thursdays is "tone" - our "tone" matters. When our "tone" comes from a place of radical acceptance, even if we mess up the words, our fumbling is less debilitating. When my grandmother told me to "Stay sweet and do not get stout," her "tone" was deaf, but loving. It was wrong, but not toxic. It was poor advice, but not devastating because it was just so obvious that she loved me. Now, she should not have said it and it was a super bad message to give a woman way deep into anorexia. But its effect was blunted because of the tone, the heart of her message. These sorts of problems need correcting - and, eventually I was able to share with her about my personal struggles and she never, ever repeated those words. But judgmental attitudes are hard to address and far more dangerous.

Differentiating between good judgment and being judgmental is challenging. We often need help figuring it out. That's ok, because in no judgment zones, asking for help is easy.

A Mighty Good Start…

Yesterday I talked about my friend with the overbearing mom. Her mom, unwittingly perhaps, taught her daughter from a young age that she would never be competent or good enough or responsible enough to solve her own problems. Mom over-reached, over-corrected and over time, my friend developed this bad habit of not trusting herself. Who can blame her?

Recovery helped my friend regain her footing and find her adult self. She says it has been a huge blessing in her life. She tells me that recovery has taught her as much about healthy relationships as it has supported her recovery. Through therapy and 12-Step meetings and support groups, my friend has learned that healthy relationships are when two people solve their own problems while cheering each other on.

Her mom has it backwards. She tries to solve my friend's problem while tearing her daughter down.

Until recently, my friend believed that there was nothing she could do to solve this problem, but it was because she was worrying about solving the wrong problem - her mother. In a way, my friend was modeling what had been taught and modeled by her own mom - worry about other people's issues and ignore your own.

Today, my friend has chosen to assume that her mother is as unchanging as the taste of a Big Mac. But she can change, and she's figuring that out. She has some options, but all of them include absolutely refusing to change her own decisions, plans, and actionable items in pursuit of her own dreams and goals not matter what her mother says. That's a mighty good start if you ask me.