No One is Asking You to be Right

I am my biggest limitation. It's true. I make up stories in my head about what I SHOULD do, or the kind of person I COULD be, or the life I MIGHT HAVE HAD IF ONLY.... most of it is just baloney. It turns out that everyone has limitations. Even I, with all mine, has not been powerful enough to ruin my children.

Last week we had our annual Memorial Day family gathering. The grandkids are at the stage where you can take your eyes off them for 3 seconds without them choking on a screw or choking each other. I built them a fort in the back yard made of sheets and towels thrown over a dome-like jungle gym structure that they climb on and fall off of on a regular basis. They loved their little cozy fort.

The big kids - all the rest of us, played pickle ball on a court drawn quite precisely by the resident engineer in the family. Scott and I acted as his assistants and we really did try to keep our mocking to a minimum over his precision and laser focus on getting it perfect. We ate a simple meal that included a new recipe from my sister-in-law, who we affectionately call Chef ShooFly because she is an excellent cook and one of the littles called her that years ago and it stuck. We had a discussion on labor unions (with many different perspectives at the table) and I can only speak for myself - I learned a ton.

My joy is complete - to see the way my family respected each other even with the diversity that has bloomed as the years have started to pile up and kids have turned into adults. It occurs to me that with all the things I regret about the way I parented, the thing I love about being a parent is that somewhere along the line someone managed to convey to my children that no one is asking any of us to be right or deny their limitations. No one has to be certain that their opinion should and must prevail.

I don't know who taught them these things, but I am so grateful to learn by watching them live a life of unconditional positive regard for one another. My optimism for future generations grows as I see how this next generation is modeling these truths for their children. So just in case no one has told you recently - your limitations are not a problem. Everyone has them. Tomorrow we'll talk about how to manage them.

Who Are You Gonna Be?

One of the issues folks often have with Jesus' teaching to "turn the other cheek" is the fear that this phrase means, "Keep taking it on the chin." Healthy people do not keep taking abuse or disrespect. They move away from that kind of behavior and move toward people who can treat them with dignity, respect and positive regard. So what do we do if we have "turned the other cheek" and realize that we do indeed have two different perspectives.

Do I have to let others decide for me what I think in order to follow Jesus? No, that would mean I am being passive. Should I decide for others? No, that would mean I am too aggressive. Should I find a sneaky way to prevent others from deciding for themselves? No, that is passive-aggressive behavior and it really annoys people, fyi.

So what do we do? We learn how to speak in statements consistent with our beliefs. This is learning how to be assertive. For years I wanted to pursue some professional development work, but I was not assertive about it. I mentioned the option to folks, I prevaricated about pulling the trigger on applying to the program, I made a lot of excuses for NOT doing what I really, really wanted to try. I doubted my ability to be a good wife, Meme, mom and pastor if I tried this new thing. Then we had a pandemic.

My children taught me early on in the pandemic process that I am old. They held meetings among themselves and then reported back their concerns about the welfare of their father and me. They urged compliance - and spelled out how that might look. They even were willing to express in a lovely, vulnerable way, their long held experiences of us - that sometimes we made choices to be present for others without always taking into account the impact it had on our family. They were quite clear. And Pete and I respected that and I think did a good job of responding to their wishes.

But it made me think. What would I regret doing if I died tomorrow? What did I regret doing that in hindsight, I wish I had done differently? I decided two things: 1. I would regret not pursuing a subject I was passionate about and 2. I regret making some of the decisions I have made over the years that I thought were following Jesus - but really were not.

So I said, "I want to pursue this new thing." And everyone said, "Ok. Cool. Whatever." No one batted an eye. I told Pete how much it would cost and he said, "Where do I send the check?"

So here is my post-pandemic-almost inspirational thought for you: What statements about yourself do you need to assert? What do you need to simply state and execute - stop fretting over, stop waiting for permission, stop wondering about the cost. What is it that you will absolutely regret if you do not get moving forward - today?

“All Therapy is Grief Work”

In Dr. Edith Eger's book, "The Gift", she sums up in one sentence why so many of us who need therapy resist getting it - "All therapy is grief work." She should know.

As a Holocaust survivor, Eger has worked with veterans, military personnel and victims of physical and mental trauma. She understands grief. But what is far more impressive to me is her candor about her reluctance to actually do the work of grief herself. Instead, she achieved and strived and tried to outrun her suffering. Thanks be to God that at some point she realized this: "I'm a prisoner and a victim when I minimize or deny my pain - and I'm a prisoner and a victim when I hold on to regret." (p.92, The Gift). According to Eger, we all share in the universal experience of life not turning out as we want or expect. "We suffer because we have something we don't want, or we want something we don't have." (also p. 92, The Gift)

In an effort to either support or deny Eger's claim, I did what I so often do, I turned to the scriptures to see what kind of examples I might find in the life of God's people over the ages. It did not take long, in fact, this was not even the first example of disappointment paired with added suffering.

Sarai, who was barren, came up with the absolutely brilliant idea (sarcasm, folks) to 'give' to Abram her slave Hagar as a surrogate for Sarai's child. (Use your imagination, there were no fertility clinics.) What could possibly go wrong here? Of course, Hagar became pregnant.

Then Sarai said to Abram, "You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me." (Genesis 16:5 NIV)

Wait. Sarai came up with this scheme. Does anyone ask how Hagar feels about her master and his wife's plan? NOW Sarai has regrets. She wishes she could change the past. Her wish is much deeper and more heartfelt than just wishing Hagar's pregnancy would have no emotional effect on Hagar and thereby cause Sarai discomfort. Sarai wishes she herself could get pregnant and bear a bunch of babies with her husband.

Grief is not just about what happens to us; it is also about what does not happen. It's never easy to think about grief and loss but it won't get any easier avoiding it.

Today, ask yourself - in your grief, can you identify the ways you feel powerless over not just what happened but also what did not happen that you expected, longed for or dreamed about?

Learning From Regret

Instead of waiting to see if you measure up, start letting everyone else know that they don’t have to.” Melissa Camara Wilkins

I suspect anyone who pays attention AT ALL and lives long enough can find one or two things to regret. I for one wish my little girl self had understood that it was not healthy for a childhood accident to be met with punishment without first checking for broken bones and glass shards. Now, I can regret not having a different experience and ruminate over it (which I have done) or I can lean in and allow my past to be my past. I can learn new ways to understand it, which is helpful. I can also use it as a lesson for how I want to live my life.

I can WISH for a different experience or I can choose to give others the gift of an experience I have learned is valuable.

I have a friend with abandonment issues. He has reacted to this problem by making sure he leaves relationships at the first sign of turbulence. Better to be the one who walks out than the one who is left behind. Lately he has started to question his choices. He’s wondering if maybe this is not living in a true way.

Maybe, he thinks, he could learn how to be the kind of friend who sticks close as a brother because he knows what it is like to be left behind. I like the way he thinks.