Searching for Shells

In July, Pete and I received and accepted a lovely invitation to go on a beach vacation with our granddaughter, Norah. Norah let her parents come too. I love the beach. But what I love even more is seeing the beach through the eyes of a three year old. Talk about awe!

Norah would stay on the beach and at the water's edge to infinity and beyond. But she spends her time behaving in ways that are exactly opposite of how adults spend their time. I learned a lot watching her. First, Norah does not hoard.

At Folly Beach, research reports that there are two BIG unique components to Folly. 1. More sharks come here to birth their babies in the spring than other places and 2. It has a ton of shells. No one seemed overly concerned about sharks, but the adults are obsessed with collecting shells.

They walk slowly along the water's edge, humped over, scanning the shell-line (yes, there is one) for the perfect shell. Most have small satchels slung over their shoulder to hold their finds. They never look up or around; they do not gaze lovingly at the sea wondering what lies beyond the horizon. They do not watch the birds dive for fish. They pay no attention to the young children learning to surf. They are on a mission and it is all-consuming.

Norah, on the other hand, spent the entire week returning things to the sea. She would find a shell and run into the ocean, hurling it back into the same water that spit it out moments before she found it. She threw handfuls of sand back too. Anything that seemed like it came from the sea, she sent it back with peels of laughter and delight.

Her eyes glanced down to find shells or sand for recycling even as she feasted on sights unique to the beach - on Folly Beach there are many sights to see.

I couldn't help but think about the difference between the two experiences of Norah and the shell-seekers. One looked as if they were afraid of missing something, while Norah assumed that the world was created to give her things that she could turn around and give back.

Which are you? Do you feel that you have to grab in order to get? Or do you believe the world is an abundant place with much to offer with plenty of opportunities to give back as an act of gratitude?

Responsibility vs Fault

My mom's death was...complicated and it left me completely bereft. I desperately wanted to understand the circumstances surrounding it. But there was no way that would ever happen because the parties involved all had their own experiences that colored their interpretation of said events...including me. But it was a great lesson in learning that problems can be powerful, and less painful, when we take full responsibility for the issue at hand. Problems can be powerful in that they provide us an opportunity to self-examine, reflect, and notice our failures, blindspots and even innocent-ish mistakes.

One of the issues that slowed my own recovery from this traumatic event was my confusion over responsibility versus fault. My therapist kept telling me, "This is not your fault" and she was right but it was hard for me to agree with her.

Over time, I came to realize that I resisted her determined attempts to draw a distinction between responsibility and fault because if I could find a way I was at fault, I unconsciously believed I could find a way to control and change the outcome. Which, when I think about it, is really silly. But it is true. I also had the opposite problem. There were parts of this family drama that I absolutely did not want to claim any fault for - no way! I did not know how to believe that I could be responsible without being at fault. And, I struggled to think about how to be responsible in areas where I was at fault.

Here is what was helpful for me. Fault is past tense. We find someone at "fault" as a result of the decisions they already made. Responsibility is what we choose to do in the present moment. Responsibility is claimed as we make choices in the here and now.

There are people whose decisions and their outcomes can result in fault being found and named. But no one is responsible for my situation because my situation is always my responsibility. The guy who hit us head on was at fault for speeding, driving on worn out tires and trying to change his radio while smoking a cigarette and navigating a turn on a rainy day. But only I am be responsible for how I follow up after the accident. I had to choose how to treat my medical conditions; our family had to choose the next vehicle. He is not responsible for that even though his faulty driving resulted in us needing to take on some additional responsibilities.

If you were able to separate fault from responsibility, would any of your nagging problems become more clear? Would solutions present themselves? Would life feel a bit more free from the burden of complicated grief?

Taking Responsibility for Our Interpretations…

It is absolutely true that we do not always get a vote in what happens to us. Years ago when someone hit us head on one rainy morning in November, we were in our lane. Pete was on full alert. He saw the car barreling toward us and he did everything he could to avoid the crash. We still crashed. Our car was totaled. The other driver was declared "at fault". But we were responsible for the clean up. We had to make the insurance claim, we had to get another car, we had to do the medical follow up required for my injuries.

We were also responsible for how we interpreted what happened to us as well as how we responded.

I was initially furious with the young man. I wanted someone else to take responsibility for my problems. Eventually, because my attorney is a great friend and no one else received a head injury like I did - calm prevailed. We chose to see it for what it was - an accident. This young man did not set out to lose control of his car.

Even when it seems like this is not the case - it is always true that we are constantly, actively interpreting and evaluating what is happening. We are jumping to conclusions and making assumptions. Our experiences - which are always limited - are gathered in our brain and shouting out explanations that may not have any basis in reality.

It is absolutely NOT true that if you pay your kid's rent she will be safe. She may not be homeless as a result of your generosity, but that does not guarantee her safety. She is responsible for her safety. Now, can she take full responsibility for her safety and still be unsafe? Absolutely. We do not always control what happens to us. But it is also true that we cannot control what happens to others.

This is why, if we want to grow and change, we need support and feedback. I did not know I had some bad habits that were causing my tennis ball to behave in ways that were frustrating. Who knew that I was taking my racket back way too far? Not me! But my tennis teacher knows, and he also knows how to help me correct my wild swing.

Here is the bottom line: We do not know what we do not know AND we are responsible for figuring what we do not know out if we want to grow up.

What Helps?

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Yesterday I wrote about the different strategies Brittany and I use to avoid coping with grief.  These false strategies have led to a number of perfectly avoidable conflicts this year.  We have fought over an ungodly amount of pointless stuff!

When I walk around in active suppression of my grief then my body carries more tension than it has the capacity to hold.  When we don't confront unpleasant things then we do not (and cannot) release the tension that comes with emotional turmoil.  That tension must come out.  

So I pick a fight over the cleanliness of the house.  Why?  Because it's such an easy target and I know it.  Brittany works from home now and has agreed to take on more of the cleaning burden as a result.  This means that, when I'm living unconsciously, I have a built-in excuse to go after her.  The house is never immaculate because nobody's house is immaculate.  So, I can always find something to be upset about if and when I need a release for all the tension I'm carrying.  

I will tie this back to control tomorrow.  

My perspective on this in 2021:

I don’t really know if all of this subconscious stuff I’m describing was happening or not- what is clear to me, looking back, is I needed to find more ways relieve some of the stress I was carrying- related to grief, work, marriage, school, etc. I needed more things I could look forward to in life. I subsequently found photography- that has been a big outlet for me. Brittany and I found more ways to get me some alone time so I could recharge my batteries- that has been huge.

What things actually help you de-stress? Read that closely- I’m not asking: what things do you think will help you de-stress (but they never actually help). I’m asking what actually helps? These are often different things.

A New View of Letting Go

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

When we speak of "letting go" we are, on the one hand, saying something about the release of control but, on the other hand, we're suggesting that we don't release control just for the sake of releasing control.  We "let go" so that we can see the world clearly.  It is only through proper orientation to that which is "ours to do" that we can live in the reality of what is and resist the temptation to ground ourselves in fantasy.  

Fantasy is what happens when we're utterly disoriented over what is "ours to do."  

Scott’s updated take as of 2021:

I wish I would speak more positively about you (us). I like the idea that we “let go” for a purpose, and not just to say that we let go. The phrase “letting go” is a nice little shorthand that describes the process of realizing how one thing in our lives is maybe getting in the way of our ability to maximize thriving. 

But, as of today, I see no reason to frame this in terms of “Fantasy v. Reality.”  It’s hard to let go of things. Often enough we have a long history with the things that we’re clinging so tightly to and this means it’s easy to be afraid of letting go. So I’ll close today by asking you a few questions instead of making more comments:

Are you holding on to some things that you wish you could let go of?

If you could let go of them, how would you do it?

When you let go of them, what else would you like to be doing with your time?