You are NOT the Problem

Remember my friend from yesterday's post who felt her problems were too unique for anyone else to possibly understand? I feel her. I understand, maybe not perfectly, but I do have some experience with a problem or two that has been statistically unique and complex. I do not happen to have that kind of problem today, maybe tomorrow a problem like that will pop up. But today, my brain is not on high alert trying to make something complicated simple. My brain is relaxed and more able to fire on all its cylinders, not just the survival instinct part of my brain.

When I can have a "whole brain" experience, I can ponder and remember and learn and consider new ways of seeing an issue. One hypothesis I have about my friend, because I've history with the same issue, is fear. I don't know about her, but when I have one of those big hairy problems that feels like it might swallow me, my last nerve resists MORE problems. And, I am deathly afraid someone will tell me that a problem this big is all my fault. I am bad. I am wrong. I am to blame. Who wants to add THAT to an already over-heated brain trying to survive?

Let me just say one more personal thing, to give you, dear reader, a bit of context. I have survived big problems in the past. Not the biggest, not the most unique, not BIG T trauma (well, maybe a couple of BIG T traumas), but I have survived problems. But my brain, for reasons I have some clarity on at this point in my life, has always believed that if I were good enough (not bad), smart enough (not dumb), worked hard enough (not lazy), then I WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEMS. So every problem, no matter how big or small, was in some way MY FAULT. See the reasoning? This kind of belief, will, eventually, say after your mother dies, a pandemic strikes, you live through a politically tumultuous time... cause your brain to short-circuit and explode.

And when that happened to me, I carried on, because isn't that what you're supposed to do? And...I got help. Lots of help. Lots of different kinds of help. And to my utter amazement, whether I was learning how to dead lift more weight than I believed I could lift, or zooming with my therapist, or talking with my physician, or taking a tennis lesson... I learned that mistakes are not big deal. Problems are inevitable and that you can have a multitude of problems without ever having to point a finger and assign blame or declare a winner of who is at fault. If my mind were not already blown, this would have surely resulted in the same outcome.

I did not know this. I could explain to you why I think I did not know this, but the whys no longer interest me. What has captivated my attention, energized my mind and body and spirit, is this idea that having a problem is inevitable and normal. Our work is NOT to avoid problems; our work is to take responsibility for our problems.

Mind blown. How about you?

Summer Camp For Grandparents!

Scott spent a month reviewing his old ways of thinking, believing and even communicating. He found some glaring changes, a few thoughts that he modified, a couple of tweaks and some continued agreement with himself. In other words - like the rest of us, Scott keeps changing his mind about some things and not about others.

This got me thinking.

I wonder what it takes to change my mind? See, I know I can be contrary and stubborn. I can resist change. But, I can also abandon things that have served me well when I fall in lust of a new theory, idea or fad.

How the heck do I even determine WHAT to change?

I wonder if most of us aren't just flailing around, trying to figure out how to avoid problems. And I wonder if this is a lousy way to live.

For 50 years (can you even believe it?!?) Pete, my husband, and I have been playing tennis against each other. We have loved competing against each other. And, despite our frequent trips to the courts, we really have not improved our game that much - and we didn't play that well to begin with...until.

We changed.

We decided that it was never too late for old dogs to learn new tricks.

We decided that we were worth investing in. We decided that we didn't just want to go out and muddle our way through a couple of sets of tennis, we wanted to enjoy rallies and actually improve our on-court performance.

So we have created summer camp for grandparents, post pandemic. We are taking tennis lessons, and Pete is even as I type away, taking a golf lesson.

And...whether you care to know or not, our tennis game is improving! It turns out that if you take lessons from some dude who is good at tennis, he can improve even an old person's game!

In tomorrow's blog, I'm going to dive into why I think the decision to change, to do something different, even with something as minor as tennis lessons, can be sacred.

Experiences in Forgiveness

I wish I had more experience with forgiveness.

I wonder if we resist admitting wrongdoing because we have no experience with forgiveness; or, the experience we do have is discouraging. I don’t have many memories of being taught or shown how to forgive. Maybe a vague memory of someone instructing me, “Say you are sorry.”

It’s probable that in the moment of harm, asking the harmer to be sorry is a bridge too far. What if we had a different way of resolving harm? One that more comfortably fits this image of Jesus bearing the heavy yoke and us walking beside him. He is doing all the hard work - maintaining a straight line as he plows the field, knowing where we are headed and guiding us to our destination. But we are participating. We learn how to walk with him, not pull against the yoke because we learn that it is easier to cooperate than it is to fight the directional force of the lead ox.

What if instead we learned things like….

• When you hit your cousin, it hurts. Maybe we guide towards empathy: How does it feel when you get hit? Does it hurt? Is it safe to get hurt or hurt someone?

• Instead of simply avoiding the behavior that causes the hurt, could we have a conversation about how to deal with frustration? Envy? Anger? Change?

• Could we talk about how to make a wrong right rather than screaming from across the room, “Don’t be wrong!?!”

• What if we were taught the difference between an unsafe smack and gentle hands?

• What if the adults around us were gentle, calm, clear and delivered right-sized teaching instead of empty threats?

If we have only learned how to be sorry but have not been exposed to the sheer gift of forgiveness, is it any wonder we avoid talking about wrongdoing? How can we do this for each other, as adults? It seems to me that we are all in desperate need of learning skill sets that connect us better, one to another.

Resistance

When we consider making a list of all the folks we have harmed (Step 8), the step itself reads like this: We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Like most things worth exploring, it is a process. The step is realistic. It says we “became” willing to make amends to this list of people we have harmed.

Resistance is presumed. Making an exhaustive list is not something we are automatically eager to complete.

Which reminds me, again, of God’s suggestions for us, his beloved creation.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Proverbs 3:5-8 MSG

God expects us to need direction; he presumes we will not “keep on track” unless we have yoked ourselves to him. In yesterday’s blog I quoted Matthew 11:28-30 (check it out!). In that passage, Jesus tells us to take his yoke upon us and he will lighten our load and give us rest.

My grandchildren show me the instinctual way of living. As we mature, we are given the opportunity to learn how to live interdependently. We learn how to ignore our base instincts - spitting, scratching, biting. But we have to replace them with better skill sets. We need to learn how to talk about our feelings of envy and jealousy. We need to learn how to use our emotions as barometers, not thermostats. God seems to think we cannot do that without him; with him, these things are not only possible, they are healthy. Our very bones vibrate with life!

Consider the possibility that leaning into God’s way is more freeing than constricting. What if his way of being is not about being rigid, right, and religiously correct? What if it is all about him coming along beside us and guiding us into a life of love, compassion and mercy?

My grandchildren are perfect...almost.

My grandchildren are at the lovely age where they have begun to harm one another. They take each other’s toys; they bite, tackle and scratch; they scream and declare their innocence while pointing accusatory stubby fingers at one another in righteous indignation. We call this toddler-hood but also worry a teeny tiny bit: what harm is done by a refused hug and kiss? An accusation? A childish jealousy?

Oh, how I wish my toddlers could be given the wisdom of loving kindness without the hassle of having to figure it out by trial and error! But this is not the way it works. ADULTS struggle with loving kindness - why, oh why, would I expect a toddler to get it?

No alcoholic or addict is free from the regret of hurting others, especially our family and friends. Our Step 8 list of the people we’ve harmed can feel like a ball and chain. To free ourselves, we must first recognize that not all of the harm came when we were drunk or stoned, but also in those behaviors and actions that came out of our illness - behaviors born of our selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.

Harm happens.

It is normal.

Sit with this reality. Consider how God responds to our limitations. Tomorrow, we will pick up with this same thought and actually look at what God has to say about our biting, scratching ways.