Experiences in Forgiveness

I wish I had more experience with forgiveness.

I wonder if we resist admitting wrongdoing because we have no experience with forgiveness; or, the experience we do have is discouraging. I don’t have many memories of being taught or shown how to forgive. Maybe a vague memory of someone instructing me, “Say you are sorry.”

It’s probable that in the moment of harm, asking the harmer to be sorry is a bridge too far. What if we had a different way of resolving harm? One that more comfortably fits this image of Jesus bearing the heavy yoke and us walking beside him. He is doing all the hard work - maintaining a straight line as he plows the field, knowing where we are headed and guiding us to our destination. But we are participating. We learn how to walk with him, not pull against the yoke because we learn that it is easier to cooperate than it is to fight the directional force of the lead ox.

What if instead we learned things like….

• When you hit your cousin, it hurts. Maybe we guide towards empathy: How does it feel when you get hit? Does it hurt? Is it safe to get hurt or hurt someone?

• Instead of simply avoiding the behavior that causes the hurt, could we have a conversation about how to deal with frustration? Envy? Anger? Change?

• Could we talk about how to make a wrong right rather than screaming from across the room, “Don’t be wrong!?!”

• What if we were taught the difference between an unsafe smack and gentle hands?

• What if the adults around us were gentle, calm, clear and delivered right-sized teaching instead of empty threats?

If we have only learned how to be sorry but have not been exposed to the sheer gift of forgiveness, is it any wonder we avoid talking about wrongdoing? How can we do this for each other, as adults? It seems to me that we are all in desperate need of learning skill sets that connect us better, one to another.