Dancing with God

Recently, I received a phone call from someone who wanted to make a donation to our ministry. He reminded me of the time we met, as strangers, in a line waiting for a flu shot. I had spoken at an organization he is a member of and he had taken offense at some of my statements. Once he had me as a captive audience in a long line, he let loose. Here’s a recap of the old conversation.

“You said something that really bugs me. It is the way you talk about community.”

“Yeah? Tell me more.”

“Well, you know, you make it sound like if we don’t have a community of people that we hang with, we’re missing out. Listen, little lady, I used to go to church. What a bunch of hypocrites! I suppose you’re going to tell me that your place is different.”

“No, I can’t say that it is. We’re messy as can be. Just this week I heard yet another story of how one person in our community got their feelings hurt by someone else. And within a few hours, I heard yet another story that hurt MY feelings. It’s a terrible mess.”

That slowed him down. “Yeah, well, you’re probably going to do something about that, aren’t you? That’s what you minister types do—meddle. You’ll make everybody kiss and make up, right?”

I laughed. “Are you kidding me? I am one of the mad ones who has my feelings hurt. I think it might be counter-productive for me to meddle, plus, I’m not really interested in kissing and making up.”

“Hmmph. I bet you’ll send some deacon over there to fuss at them, and if they don’t straighten up, you’ll kick them out of the church, right?”

“Ha. You’re too funny! If we kicked out everybody who acted badly in our community, none of us would show up on Saturday nights and Sunday mornings. Frankly, this is such a big problem that I don’t know what to do about it. Plus, we don’t have deacons. We’re not that organized.”

It turns out that as a result of somehow managing to survive for all these years without deacons, lots of squabbles and hurt feelings and no wildly successful fundraising efforts, we helped one of his grandchildren find resources to help her explore sobriety. Today, he wants to help us out with a gift. Isn’t that lovely? And isn’t it lovely that he is willing to invest in a ministry that does NOT have its act together? Isn’t it sweet that he wants to give us a donation even though he thinks I’m a crackpot?

We ask you—urge is more like it—that you keep on doing what we told you to do to please God, not in a dogged religious plod, but in a living, spirited dance. God wants you to live a pure life.

1 Thessalonians 4:1-3 The Message

While you’re making that list of New Year’s resolutions don’t forget that it isn’t about figuring out some way to be perfect; it’s so much more about dancing with God, allowing Him to lead you through the messes. If we get confused and think a pure life equals a life with no boo boo’s, we’re barking up the wrong tree.

Resolutions and Purpose...

Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas this year? Are you satisfied, yet? Anyone drink too much at a family gathering and insult a guest or a sibling? How well did you eat? I’m not referring to how much; I’m talking about how well? Did you pig out on stuffing and sweet potatoes, pecan pie, and coconut cake? Have you started to think about how big your charge card bill will be when you open it in January?

Did the coronavirus, or fights over the Presidential election at Thanksgiving, change the composition of your holiday invite list?

Are you beginning to bargain? Are you promising yourself next year will be different? More controlled? Fewer regrets?

“My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.”

Isaiah 46:9-11

I hear people say all the time that they’re done with making resolutions; no more for them! What I suspect they mean is that they’ve lost hope of finding solutions to their problems. Past performance demonstrates that nothing will ever change, so they stop trying. I want you to know that simply because you haven’t found a solution in the past does not mean there isn’t one. If you have some area in your life that you know is incongruent with God’s big dream for you, then I promise you: a solution is available. God’s purposes stand. He purposes and plans for you to have a decent life stands. If you’ve got something that’s holding you back, find someone who once had the same issue and ask them to share their experience, strength, and hope. Then do the next right thing.

What Are You Missing?

“Courage is contagious. A critical mass of brave leaders is the foundation of an intentionally courageous culture. Every time we are brave with our lives, we make the people around us a little braver and our organizations bolder and stronger.”

Brene Brown

We live in troubling times, to deny that is just silly. But I wonder what else we are denying, missing or ignoring that is beyond silly and is downright foolish. Want to change the culture? We can start with being “brave with our lives”!

When I deny my responsibility to be part of the solution, I am diminishing myself and the God who made me. Michelle took responsibility for her life and it helped her husband evaluate his life too.

When I believe that my opinions might hold sway with another, I am distracting myself from the work of holding people when they stumble and sway. Kevin had many issues that sunk him into a depression he was self-medicating. Once he sought some outside help, many voices reminded him of how much he was loved and deserved care.

When I ask for the world to ease my anxiety and “be better,” I am asking the wrong question and directing it at the wrong people. I am responsible for my feelings and I can only ask myself to evaluate and execute the call to “be better” by “doing better” - which no doubt must look different for each one of us. Ultimately, I am in awe of Michelle and Kevin and their friends. They all played a part in renewing all the relationships that were involved.

When I ask you to change, I am rude. Michelle’s request for Kevin to change caused resentment, her willingness to name her own needs led to change.

When I refuse to hear your request for me to change, I am missing an opportunity to learn. Kevin could have refused to negotiate, but he didn’t!

Often in relationships change will be a two-way street. But when we keep making it about the other person, we really are heading for a collision.

What is distracting you?

Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

~ Romans 1:23

Take a pause and journal or make a list or consult with your sponsor or spiritual director. Ask for feedback. Give yourself time to really think about this:

In what ways are you chasing after free cheesecake?

What distracts you from living with more intention?

How can you find the peace that comes when our resolutions align with our core values and intentions for life?

I remember a conversation I had many years ago with a young woman who was having a devil of a time stringing sobriety days together. She was extremely frustrated with her family’s reaction to her relapses. She felt they had turned cold toward her. They no longer were willing to “share in her suffering” after a relapse. They were done talking about it and they were unwilling to act as if she was sustaining long term recovery. They stopped counting on her; they stopped expressing sorrow when she didn’t show up for a family event. She was livid. She felt this showed a lack of Christian love. She felt they were not working a solid recovery program. She talked about all her experience in treatment, and waxed eloquent about what everyone around her was doing to ruin her recovery experience.

She had no clue how foolish her words sounded. Although she had access to a strong recovery support network, she exchanged that opportunity (privilege really) for the chance to blame others.

Are there any exchanges that you are making? At what cost?

Resolutions can be bigger than our insecurities

My musings continued (so this won’t make sense if you didn’t read yesterday’s blog):

Apologizing in advance for presuming to add content to anything Brene` Brown has to say, I would add this to her quote (with all due respect): [the courage to be vulnerable]...is also about showing up when absolutely nothing is offered you. No free cheesecake. No warm fuzzies. No personal benefit at all.

Aren’t most of our resolutions a structured way to address our own insecurities, weaknesses, and anxieties? Lose weight. Find a loving relationship. Change careers. Hike the Himalayas. Get botox. Deadlift 300 pounds.

Are those really things we need to be RESOLUTE about?

So what is worth being RESOLUTE for? It depends on our core values I suppose. But what I hope we will all consider is that thousands of people RESOLUTELY went out for a piece of free cheesecake who may or may not be RESOLUTE about loving like God loves.

I closed my impromptu note with a prayer. Because if anything is true, it is this: we are desperately in need of prayer, transformation, and a commitment to something bigger than a free piece of cheesecake.

This is my prayer for you...May we show ourselves more compassion and more respect than has been our habit, daring to believe that we are destined to show up for others, sacrifice for something more profound than a carb-laden sweet treat. May we begin to practice standing up under the pressure of inconvenience over indulgence - because we know we are better than pettiness and selfish indulgence. May be do something nice for someone else even as it costs us something we are not quite sure we can afford to give. May we show more compassion to ourselves by being more compassionate than we knew we could muster. May we live with more courage and conviction than we knew we possessed. May we choose daily to live with more conscious intention than the Cheesecake Factory story gives us much reason to hope for on the part of humanity...and let’s be honest, in ourselves. May we dare to believe that together, we can do hard things. Inconvenient things. Things that are not our preference. Amen

Make 2019 the year we that act on our good intentions. Do hard things. We are image bearers. We can do better.