Thinking and Rethinking

An easy way to care less and focus more on the issues that really matter in our life is to start assuming we are wrong. I am deadly serious about this. We are wrong most of the time. Our beliefs are often misguided or distorted. Our conclusions are usually more hypothesis than fact. We are wrong most of the time.

It is an awesome spiritual practice to ask yourself, "What if I'm wrong?" Remember, our brain does NOT like to contemplate being wrong. This form of inquiry requires it to fire up extra cylinders and kick itself into a higher gear. No self-respecting brain wants to do that! Our initial response will most likely be something along the lines of, "I couldn't possibly be wrong about this!" Again, just to be clear, yes. Yes. We could be wrong.

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Aristotle

We will need to challenge our mind - a powerful force that is well suited for denying anything that is inconvenient and will cause more work. When we ask this question, we may discover that indeed, we were right! That's great, but it will in no way grow or develop us. It will always be in the midst of discovering something wrong that we will get smarter, wiser and...better at playing the piano if we will humble ourselves and consider a different perspective.

What are you so sure about that you might need to rethink?

Safety and Growth

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Make sure to read the past couple days before reading today.

The trigger in our example is the mother's voicing of something related to the son's cleanliness.  Because of the nature of their relationship, the son explodes on his mother in reaction to his trigger.  The reaction in this circumstance is loud, external, aggressive.  It's also something that, to the son, feels justified.  

But triggers also translate to other relationships and this is where they begin to get tricky.  Let's say the son has a girlfriend, wife, spouse, roommate, partner, etc.  Let's say the the son and his partner have a history of a wonderfully healthy and mutually respectful relationship.  Let's say the partner one day says, "Hey, since we've got company coming in this weekend would you mind picking up the dirty clothes next to your side of the bed and I'll do the same?"  How does the son respond?  

It depends on many factors, including how attentive he is to himself and how much work he has done.  If he's aware that, given his history, requests for cleanliness are always going to sound like harsh critiques then he may be aware that he has to suppress the experience of a trigger in order to choose an appropriate response to his partner.  He may find that his internal reaction is angry, he may feel like his stomach is in a knot, he may feel uncomfortable.  

If he's done some good work with a support system to process and deal with his issues, and has learned to be attentive to himself, he may have the capacity to resist an accidental release of tension.  Instead, he may say, "Sure, I'll get this stuff cleaned up."  

2021 Scott’s thoughts on 2017 Scott:

The son’s response in these examples is not just about the work he’s done- it may also be about the role these other relationships play in his life. Let’s say he has a partner that makes him feel safe, secure, and deeply loved- it may very well be that this is what it takes to lessen the intensity of his reactions. This is because we can have a healing impact on others through being safe, through avoiding criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and more. This helps us all stay calm. 

You can, with your presence alone, help someone feel safe. When they feel safe, they might even grow.

Context is Everything

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

We're using a few days to discuss the nature of triggers.  What, exactly, does a trigger look like?  

For instance, consider a mother says to a son who is visiting home for Christmas, "Would you like me to do your laundry?"  The son immediately loses his temper and calls his mother an overly controlling b-word.  

Her offer, on the surface, seems sincere, even kind.  But what if I told you the son is 45 years old?  What if I told you that this mother regularly calls him a "disgusting slob" because he wears t-shirts when he's not at work as opposed to the button-downs that his mother tells him "a true man wears"?  What if I told you that his mother regularly tells him that he'll never be married if he doesn't shave off his "nasty" beard?  

Context is king.  The son's response to his mother is way out of proportion considering what is happening strictly on the surface: an offer to do laundry.  The son is "triggered" by what is going on beneath the surface:  a lifetime of being chastised by his mother because she believes he doesn't adequately take care of himself and has no qualms about shaming him about this.  

2021 Scott’s thoughts:

It’s important to add something on here: We may never know other people’s context. If you see someone react completely “irrationally” to something- it’s likely that the response is irrational to you based on the amount of information you have, but that response might make total sense if you knew the fuller picture. This is how we develop empathy- we remember that the picture we have is incomplete and that, with more information, this person who is acting irrationally might make sense…they might even seem more lovable.

Day 25: The Power of Soul Friends

It seems like it should be easy to show up for the people we love. I’m just not that great at it. It helps me to learn new ways of being, so that I can do better. One thing I have learned over the years is the importance of having the capacity to see the person as they really are, not who we wish them to be. This requires the wherewithal to hold their potential and their problem areas in tension – accepting both the possibilities for their life and the present day realities in a loving, if sometimes uneasy tension.

In his book, Sacred Companions, David Benner writes:

“Spiritual friends are soul friends. This means that they care for each other as whole people, not simply as spiritual beings. Soul friends become spiritual friends when they seek to help each other attend and respond to God.”

I love Benner’s word choices. What more beautiful way can we assist (or receive aid ourselves) when we are overcome than to have a friend who will help us attend and respond to God? Now, the truth is, hurting people do not always know or even want to attend and respond to God. No problem. They’re hurting. They do not need to wrestle with that just now. But a soul friend can know that and show up as a God representative. A soul friend shows up and bears witness to the unseen but clearly known stickers plastered to their friend’s heart that read: FRAGILE - HANDLE WITH CARE. And, THIS SIDE UP.

Attending and responding to God may involve asking more questions than it does giving instruction. It may require more encouragement than exhortation (certainly both are appropriate but soul friends have the discernment to know when to use what as a way of helping others). Notice the emphasis – it is providing a space in the life of a hurting person that enables them to listen to God more than focus on how to fix the problem at hand. They do not have to be acutely aware that it is God they are focusing on; it’s ok for them to think that it was their friend that made them a cup of hot tea and served them three gingerbread men with extra frosting. It feels like a cool breeze is blowing through my heart when I think of the delicious possibilities that soul friendship presents each of us.

Lord, teach us how to be this kind of friend to those who welcome it.

What is Validating?

We have talked about validation a lot lately. Sometimes when you talk about something a lot it starts to become confusing.

Actually, let’s start with the opposite. When it is communicated to a person that they should not have the experience they are having then they are invalidated. Our experience of an event is a combination of perception, thoughts, feelings, actions, etc. Validation, then, is the process of communicating that it is quite alright to have whatever experience you are having.

All feelings are welcome. How we think about them and how we act on them once they’re with us is an entirely different matter. But there is nothing inherently “wrong” with being furious (for instance). Life circumstances are going to make us furious, from time to time.

Validation is the process of communicating to another person that, however it is they are responding to life circumstances, their response is natural.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB