Checking Up and Checking In

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

Yesterday I gave a series of sample questions to ask yourself periodically as a sort of mental and emotional “check up”.  This is a way of getting to the bottom of the question, “How am I doing?”  

Why do I recommend this?  

Triggers are not always attached to some distant thing in the past.  Sometimes, as is the case with what I described between myself and Brittany, triggers are the result of some powerful stressor that comes from some other place in life.  It is easy, at times, to move ahead with life so quickly that we do not create time or space to consider how we are doing.  This means there are times where we legitimately do not know (or simply are not consciously aware of) how we are doing.  If we don’t know, we’re unlikely to respond to triggers and difficult situations well.  We’re simply unprepared.  

Scott from the future:

Checking in with yourself is essentially a meditative, mindful exercise that helps you go through life more aware. When you’re more aware you can more quickly deal with the actual problems you have (as opposed to the surface-level problems like dirty dishes). You can have more open, honest conversations that increase and deepen intimacy. You can resolve conflict easier, you are better prepared to empathize, etc. It’s a good idea.

Questions for Pondering…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

In order to become more aware of ourselves, it may also be worth our time to consider regularly asking ourselves some difficult questions about our lives:

What am I afraid of right now, in this moment?

What am I anxious about right now, in this moment?  

What am I angry about?  

What am I proud of?

What am I ashamed of?  

In what sense is my life incomplete?  

In what sense is it full?

In what areas have I failed (or am failing)?  

In what areas have I succeeded?  

These are just some ideas to get you started.  You may want to create your own list based on whatever core set of issues you have.  We all have the capacity to wrestle with each of these emotions and questions (and many more besides), but we tend to have favorites that are more likely to show up than others and more likely to stick around.  

Scott’s thoughts from the future:

I would also add: 

What brings me joy? (Either that you currently do or that you used to do and want to get back to doing)

What are some simple things that bring me pleasure?

How can I add more of these things into my life (without harming other important areas of my life)?

The Heart of Authenticity

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

Brené Brown

Our true self has its best chance of showing up when we give her room to breathe. We allow her to live within the context of living a true life, as opposed to a false one. This is the heart of authenticity.

I must be careful in my assessment of true versus false or else I get off track. How do we decide what is true versus false? For me, it springs from the foundation of my faith, my life experiences, my strengths and my suffering - all of which invite me to consider what it might mean to live a true life.

Oh my goodness - this search for living a true life is fraught with complications!

We deceive ourselves (and others) and are deceived about truth. We justify and rationalize our choices. I remember when my father was chasing me upstairs from our basement whipping me with a belt. He kept saying, “This is for your own good. You have to learn to listen to me.” He was, in effect, justifying this spanking as true and good - part of his parental responsibility. For a long, long time, I accepted his explanation.

My brothers had just managed to push me and the little red wagon I was riding in through a glass sliding door, out onto a small concrete slab, down a grassy hill and into a creek. I was in too much shock to listen to anything. The sting of that belt on my already bruised legs did not turn on my “listening ears”. My shame was inflamed, my humiliation complete as I opened that basement door into a hallway that opened into the living room where my folks were hosting a party. Tiny shards of glass sparkled in my hair; pinpricks of blood dotted my arm. I saw people gasp and stare, I assumed they were seeing a very very bad little girl. After that, my memory goes dark.

All of us will face experiences that we cannot process in real time. Hopefully, with guidance, we can circle back through our memories and the teachings of our childhood. We can evaluate them. We can edit our belief systems, thought patterns and the habits they produce. We can make choices that are more honest because we own them. Although I have made many, many mistakes as a parent, I have CHOSEN to believe that hitting children with a belt (or any object) is not good for them. I have CHOSEN to accept the reality that what it felt like is what it was - abusive. I have CHOSEN to listen to and learn from others who do not feel that physical punishment of this nature is helpful for teaching children how to listen.

So this search for our true self and our true way of living? It requires a ton of excavation and examination of our assumptions and beliefs, our certainty and our shadow. When we know better we do better, which I think is the best we can all hope for in a life filled with choices and decisions that do not always spring for our conscious, most true self.