Following God’s Path of Love

“The fact that someone else loves you doesn’t rescue you from the project of loving yourself.”

Sahaj Kohli

Almost 60 days into a new year and I wonder how you are feeling about all the hopes and dreams you considered as 2020 wrapped up and a new year was born. Is the news still distracting you from your work? Have you gotten a bit complacent as the winter has settled in and we have been lulled into less activity by the short days and cold temperatures?

Consider this if you need a bit of incentive to rise up and get to work on following God’s path of love.

“The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for your relationship with your child, your spouse, your parents, your friends - every relationship you have. Invest in yourself so you can invest in them.”

Erica Layne

Finding Joy in Every Day

“Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.”

Mary Jean Irion

We ask our grandkids about their day anytime we have the chance. I ask Norah about preschool and she says, “It makes me nervous.” I inquire further and she talks about the train table and outdoor time on the playground and the fun blocks in her class. She loves her teacher and her friends.

Christian tells me who can beat him in a foot race, which is upsetting and has spurred him to create a 4 point plan (1. Sleep well to get strong, 2. Eat a good breakfast to stay strong, 3. Wear his best running shoes and 4. Hope that kid leaves the school.). Maybe he will tell me what Tristen brought for “show and share”. He even told me once that he loved Bruno Mars “Uptown [Funk It Up]” - his understanding of the song’s title. (When did we move off of “Wheels on the Bus”?)

If I wait long enough, both of them move beyond their nerves and disappointments onto a further description of their day. I hope they, and we, never get stuck on the easy part - the part of our day where it is all too easy to notice what’s missing.

May you find the best part of your day today. And if you break out in a dance party? I hear Bruno Mars will get you moving and grooving. Me? I gotta go with Pharrell’s “Happy” song!

Have You Had Enough?

“Sometimes you have to realize that you’ve HAD enough to realize that you ARE enough.”

Mandy Hale

Learning to love ourselves is not simply getting better at giving ourselves a pat on the head and a snuggly hug. Love is a verb. Love. Love yourself. This can be quite challenging. When am I loving myself versus when am I acting selfishly? Am I loving myself or being self-indulgent? What about when it feels like my world is falling apart - how do I love myself when I am afraid I am the one whose hands are causing the destruction?

I find this spacious middle ground where I can wait for something to shift in my understanding and gain discernment when I remember that it is God’s way to improve things. Psalm 130 teaches us just that. It allows for the reality that God is up to something important and although he is super patient (usually good news for us) with a timeline that does not always align with our preferences, we as his followers can trust this is true. Whether or not we align ourselves with his intentions is our choice. But as we make these choices to follow or not, it might help to remember that this is GOD we’re talking about.

God, for whatever reason, has chosen mere mortals to participate in his work. This is our choice. It does not necessarily make life easier; in fact, I find it quite challenging. But I consider the other options and return to Him over and over again.

One of the best preachers I ever heard was James Pardue. He pastored our church faithfully and well for many years when Pete and I were raising our young children. He was a gifted teacher and spiritual guide of enormous integrity. I remember him telling me a story about a young person asking him if he was sure God existed. And, God bless him, he told the truth. He replied that he was not sure of much of anything. BUT, he added, it seemed to him that from the best he could tell, if God was real, he was headed in the right direction and he, Jim Pardue, thought it best to follow.

I could not believe his candor. He had doubts! But as best he could tell, God’s intentions were for good and not evil. He concluded with a quote I wrote in my bible and offer to you now, “I have decided that I prefer the life of a follower than the life of a salmon.”

This quiet, committed man knew he did not want to spend his life swimming against the current of God’s love, grace and mercy. Sometimes, we wake up and realize that we have been swimming against the tide of God’s love, grace and mercy for all.

Have you had enough? Are you ready to accept that you are enough? You are inherently worthy and flawed, fully human, chosen by God to improve the world in the way that suits the nature of God.

Committing to Self-Love

“Too many of us are overcommitting to others and under committing to ourselves.”

Erica Layne

Early on in my adult life, I was suspicious about learning how to love myself. I confused self-acceptance with selfishness. Love is not selfish. Selfishness is a survival instinct. Love is a spiritual pilgrimage.

Oftentimes on our quest for spiritual awakening, we come across this idea of the search for our true, best, most Jesus-like self. We hear that our “false self” is inferior, ego-driven and we need to somehow dethrone her before she extinguishes our true self altogether. This is what I heard the gurus saying, I’m not sure that’s the lesson they intended to teach me.

Genetic testing results came back from my health screening and it turns out I have the genetic capacity of a “high performance athlete”. Oh no! Did my false self smother my inner athlete? There is absolutely no evidence that athletics is or ever was my destiny. Did I miss my prime? Has my life been less meaningful without an Olympic medal? Of course, I’m not sure a lot of women were given the opportunity to test out their athletic potential back in my youth, but that issue aside - have my genetics revealed a small piece of my true self but lost self?

This hunt for true versus false self at times sounds awfully woo woo to me. But it isn’t.

True and false self is not a search for some missing link. Lately, I’ve been thinking it is more like this: there are true and false ways of living.

My genetics reveal has helped me adjust my workout habits to fit my genetic strengths. To workout at my optimal potential I need to make room for rest; I have the capacity for both strength and endurance - so I shoot for my potential. But my genetics is not my destiny. My capacity is an outer limit, my actual performance depends on many factors. Things like commitment, training, practice and purpose. My genetics missed something true about me: I love to read and write more than I love to deadlift.

Our search for true versus false self will not be determined by a spiritual genetic reveal. It is revealed in the learning lab of life. My work, should I choose to commit, train, practice, and pursue a spiritual purpose will ultimately reveal itself in the results of living true to my core values. This is not mysterious work but it does require both courage and humility. It requires us to pay attention and be curious about ourselves. We pay attention to what we are willing to commit, train, practice and sacrifice for. Hopefully it aligns with our core values - which we also need to pay attention to and modify as necessary to align with our purpose for living. This is how we love ourselves! We don’t settle for living a life that our genetics or culture or even our suffering dictates. We love ourselves best when we commit to knowing ourselves and knowing God. Then we live in true ways. It turns out, this means we love ourselves and others. This is our true self.

We Cannot Give What We Do Not Have

You have to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else. Because it’s only when we love ourselves that we feel worthy of someone else’s love.

Alyssa B. Sheinmel

When I first heard about “self love” all I could think of was narcissism. For many reasons, I have spent my whole life hoping this was NOT a trait I would carry with me in life. So I scoffed at this idea of loving one’s self. I resisted it. I feared it.

If “learning to love yourself” sounds more like psycho-babble than a thing to you, ok, I get it. But I have found new words that resonate more with me that capture this idea that we cannot give away what we do not possess. How about this?

You cannot respect others if you do not know how to respect yourself. You will not require others to respect you, if you cannot lead the way in showing them how.

You cannot treat others with dignity unless you require others to treat with the dignity you plan to return.

You cannot recognize the inherent worth of others unless you recognize and celebrate your own inherent worth.

We cannot give what we do not have.

So if loving yourself, although biblical, feels just a smidge out of reach - try these principles on and see if progress can be made!