Positive Faith and Sin Part IV

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My experience as a listener suggests that most people are painfully aware that they are not entirely the person they’d like to be (aka, they’re painfully aware of their own sinfulness).

So, given that, what do you think might happen if I see it as my job to make people even more aware of the things that already cause them great pain?

What kind of pastor would I be if I treated you all as if you were dogs that needed to have your nose rubbed in your own pee so you’d stop wetting the rug?

Right- it would not be a good situation. Some people would respond to that by trying to over perform. Some would respond by withdrawing. Some would feel uncomfortable but think to themselves, “Well, this must be how it is.”

In the end, none of these is growing into a more faithful human being.

Positive Faith & Sin Part III

If you’re behind on these posts, click here to visit the whole blog so you can get caught up. Otherwise you might get lost. We wouldn’t want that now, would we?

Over the next few days I’m going to talk about how sin can be handled seriously while still maintaining a positive faith. I’m doing this because there is a stereotype against positive faith- people tend to think that, if you’re being positive, then you’re not taking the hard parts seriously. My argument is: I’m taking the hard parts even more seriously because I want us to do the things that actually help us deal with the hard parts- rather than be stuck in them.

And so- I want to take just a minute, today, to make an observation:

People take their sin unbelievably seriously.

I know, I know. It’s hard to believe. But it’s true. Take it from a (now) professional listener. People tell me all the things they wouldn’t tell anyone else. And, believe me, people take their sin seriously. Even if they don’t call it that. Even if they aren’t people of faith. Every single person I talk to is tremendously concerned with the impact they are having on the world around them.

Now, as people, we don’t always say these things to the people around us. Sometimes we’re defensive. Sometimes we’re scared to be vulnerable (or it’s just hard to be vulnerable- regardless of the emotion involved). The point is, whatever is going on inside us, we don’t always share it.

Because we don’t always share it, people can get the wrong idea. They think we don’t see what’s wrong with ourselves. They think we don’t recognize our own shortcomings and don’t want to deal with them. Now, of course, there is sometimes truth to this. We’re not always aware of every shortcoming we have. But, for the most part, most people are painfully aware that they are not entirely the person they’d like to be.

So, what happens if I tell someone how sinful they are? What happens if I use my “big voice” (as Norah calls it) to remind them of how sinful they are? What would happen if I did that to you?

Imagine it for a moment and we’ll come back to this tomorrow.

Big T, Little t

We regularly talk about trauma in our community. We define it as either Big T trauma (a one-time cataclysmic event) or Little T trauma (think of it as the steady drip drip drip of being in a non-nurturing environment). These two kinds of trauma make it hard for some of us to recognize that we are experiencing the consequences of living with untreated trauma.

Do you wonder if you might be feeling the effects of trauma? One symptom is feeling different from others. Traumatic experiences (big or little) typically feel surreal. We are likely to minimize or excuse them - especially the Little T traumas. The type of trauma can dictate how an individual feels different or believes that they are different from others. Traumas that generate shame will often leave survivors feeling alienated from others. Feeling bad or fearing that they might behave badly, trauma survivors makes it even more unlikely that they will seek support and healing.

This sneaky trauma response might leave us more brittle and judgmental, or too pliable and people pleasing. Here's my point: it's not enough to just try to behave perfectly or believe flawlessly or better ourselves. We need to give ourselves permission to open up our lens of compassionate self-awareness. Get more curious! Explore the ways our behavior might be more about symptoms than character or competence.

This exploration has been tremendously healing for me; I hope you will consider the possibility that life could get better but the return to joy may require taking the road less traveled.

A Lesson of Self-Awareness

At Northstar Community, we often talk about our core values as preferable ways to guide us in decision-making. If I value recovery, which I do, I try to support recovery work. MY recovery work. Families say they find this helpful. A friend of mine discovered that he was paying for his son to visit a psychiatrist who was prescribing a stimulant for his adult son's ADHD diagnosis. Dad was very upset because this particular stimulant has been highly addictive to his son in the past and led to lots of negative outcomes. Plus, there had never been a diagnosis of ADHD in his son's medical history. Dad thought he was being a recovery ally by helping his son deal with his mental health issues by paying for treatment but now Dad feels like a sucker who is paying for his son's addictive drug of choice. What's Dad to do? He's been OBSESSED with fixing his son for so very long but lately he's wondering if his efforts are actually hurting his boy.

Dad is anxious and panicky. He wants to call the doctor and give him "a piece of his mind". He wants to yell at his son and ask him, "What the heck are you doing?" But neither of these seem very recovery-friendly. Using his core values (recovery-ally, compassion and kindness) Dad decides that he needs to stop paying for the psychiatrist in order to be kind to himself. He makes an amend to his son about getting up in his business by having access to his medical records and explains that he will no longer be able to pay the psychiatrist's bills that exceed insurance costs (Dad does pay for the insurance premiums because he does not want coverage to lapse) because it is not good for Dad's recovery. No judgment of the doc or the adult son. Just a simple, direct, clear and apologetic communication about a change Dad needs to make in order to apply his core values to himself and others.

I appreciate the way Dad is continuing to learn and apply his core values. He's even chosen to shift the priority of his core values and add "self-care" to the top of his list. He is going to use that money he has been spending each month on his 40 year old son's psychiatrist visits to fund his own self-improvement project by hiring a personal trainer and improving his fitness.

Damage Control…

For a month’s worth of posts, I (Scott) am critiquing my own past blog posts. I’m viewing this as an experiment in being willing to admit when I’m wrong, change my mind, and to do so publicly.

From yesterday:  If we can answer questions like this then, hopefully, we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control. 

If we gain some insight into what kinds of things are likely to send us spiraling out of control then we can begin to mentally prepare ourselves for our own reactions.  If we can prepare, then we can begin to create space to choose (within reason)  a response to our reactions (as opposed to simply reacting to our reactions).

I know, I know- this sounds too easy.  In many ways, it is too easy.  We’re not always going to be able to choose a response.  Some triggers are so powerful and so deeply ingrained that the only way to come to grips at all is to do meaningful work with a therapist of a long period of time.  The point is not that we can learn how to gain control of ourselves when we’re powerless.  The point is that gaining awareness may make some of our roughest edges a little bit smoother.  

We may learn to “limit the damage.”

2021 Scott chiming in:

Being able to choose a response requires a few things- some practice being mindful about when we’re “triggered,” some safety in the relationship where we’re triggered, some sense of safety in general, and some techniques for calming ourselves down, including some helpful distractions we can engage in to get out of the triggered moment.

Again, this is a big topic- and we’ll find ways to explore it more in the future.