Don’t Get Stuck!

Another really unhelpful strategy is pretending pain doesn't hurt. If something matters to us, and it is not going well, it should bother us! Denying that we experience stress prevents us from dealing with the stress. I have a friend who has really suffered in recent years. When we chat, she tells me, "I have this! I can handle it! I am fine!"

She is not fine. In the heat of a moment, we may need to say, "I can get through this. I will be fine." This is a strategy for dealing with the stressful situation. But it does not heal the ill-effects of the stress. After the dust settles, we need to circle back around and acknowledge our stress, worry, frustration, rage and despair. Today, I have lost all interest in the stressful situations that drove me over the edge of my capacity to cope.

But there was a time when I needed to admit about how these events affected me. To be clear, this was not what ultimately repaired my heart, mind, and soul. But it was a necessary early step to admit how devastating several key events had been in my life rather than avoid the reality of the situation. I am not talking about endless rumination. That is the opposite of what we need to do, because the body experiences rumination as reliving the trauma. It's like deliberately sticking your finger in an electric outlet expecting not to get zapped.

Here's how to talk without ruminating. Instead of repeating ad infinitum the EVENTS or the faults of the people in the event, talk about how the event made you FEEL, what you thought about said event, and how you reacted. Self-observe. What can you learn about yourself? Using this method, we do not re-traumatize ourselves by repeating a story that - let's face it - everyone already knows. But what we are doing is giving ourselves an opportunity to deal with the stress by taking full responsibility for our life.

What about you? Are you avoiding admitting something that is stressful for you? Are you ruminating over a stressful event? Fine. It's fine wherever you are in the process. Just don't get stuck. Keep walking!

A Bigger Perspective

A Greek-Armenian teacher named George Gurdjieff (1866-1949) wrote:

“When a man comes to realize the necessity not only for self-study and self-observation but also for work on himself with the object of changing himself, the character of his self-observation myst changes...he must begin to see himself, that is to say, to see not separate details, not the work of small wheels and levers, but to see everything taken together as a whole - the whole of himself such as others see him.

For this purpose a man must learn to take, so to speak, “mental photographs” of himself at different moments of his life and in different emotional states; and not photographs of details, but photographs of the whole as he saw it. In other words, these photographs must contain simultaneously everything that a man can see in himself at a given moment. Emotions, moods, thoughts, sensations, postures, movements, tones of voice, facial expressions, and so on. If a man succeeds in seizing interesting moments for these photographs he will very soon collect a whole album of pictures of himself which, taken together, will show him quite clearly what he is.”

After years of hiding and shame, it is a new sort of problem to work at seeing ourselves clearly. Not all days will be pleasant; but most days will be better than we might imagine once we get in the habit of living each minute knowing that we will review it again in a few hours. Eventually, because of what God can and will do with a willing person, our reviews might even delight us!

Learning to be fully human

Have you ever felt like you were giving up your right to choose the life you want to live? When I feel this way it is usually because something is standing between me and my preferences. Each morning I have several rituals that I use to center myself and start my day as a person who is in long term recovery with a commitment to being “turned” and placed on a path that leads to life. Not just any life - but a good, decent life. A life where I do not have to sneak or hide or lie or cheat or steal.

If I had a nickel for every time I thought or someone else said to me, “It’s my life! I get to live it MY way!” I would be a wealthy woman. The problem with this kind of thinking is this: When we have this kind of attitude, what we are really doing is constructing a personality, not becoming a full and whole human. This construction project began the instant we were born. We observed how folks responded to us. We listened to what our community valued. We evaluated and compared and competed for attention, affirmation and resources we thought we needed. We have pretended, we have played games, we have turned ourselves inside to get attention, approval or resources to live a life of our own making. This is fantasy living and it is as unsatisfactory for building a decent life as cotton candy is for providing a nourishing meal.

Recovery helps us remember and reconstruct our lives. When we “turn”, we do so knowing full well that we turn to a God who has our best interests at heart, who knew us before we were born, who knows how we are created and what we are created for. He gets us better than we get ourselves.

“If you don’t go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don’t deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.”

~ Matthew 10:38-39 The Message

Working on yourself is always a good place to start

Participants of long term recovery seem to understand better than most that their problem is one of self. They learn to identify and claim the various ways their selfishness has caused problems and they are clearly working to figure out how to live differently. This is a practical way to talk about our lack of self-awareness and helps us understand better why other people get so agitated with us. Here is a quote from Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions that speaks to how selfishness can complicate our faith journey:

“Like all the remaining Steps, Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God - or, if you like, a Higher Power - into our lives. Faith, to be sure, is necessary, but faith alone can avail nothing. We can have faith, yet keep God out of our lives. Therefore our problem now becomes just how and by what specific means shall we be able to let Him in? Step Three represents our first attempt to do this. In fact, the effectiveness of the whole A.A. program will rest upon how well and earnestly we have tried to come to ‘a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.’ “ Anonymous

Today, research helps explain WHY we act in ways that are not in our best interest. That knowledge is in danger of turning into an excuse unless we add to that information the awareness that for all intents and purposes, the world sees us as selfish and self-centered. They do not much care WHY, they want to know WHEN we are going to get our act together.

...I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him.

~ Deuteronomy 30:19 The Message

The decision before us is one that will begin a lifelong process of surrendering to the will of a God we cannot see. This God has no doubt been misrepresented to us at times; other times we have closed our ears and hearts to him. I particularly appreciate words spoken by a man describing his own recovery experience. “Take all the ideas that you have about spirituality, religion, about God, about a whole bunch of stuff and just put them over here, forget them for a while.” He is asking us to get curious. An impaired brain is not conducive to curiosity, so this is part of what we will trust God to do in and through and with us. This is not easy, but neither is living as a hostage in our own brain.

You CAN deal with the things you can't deal with.

What’s your biggest fear? What do you think you absolutely cannot handle? Guess what? There may come a time when you have no choice in the matter. A day may arise when you have to handle the very thing you think you cannot deal with.

Although I am a big fan of planning, I do not think it is possible to plan but for so much disaster. So, frankly, I’ve kind of let that need to prepare for the worst case scenario. Instead, I am building a life around wellness, joy, and living true to my core values. It’s plenty of work, but it is very satisfying, and much better than toting a survival kit everywhere I go.

I am, instead, building a thriving toolbox, filled with all I need for an abundant life. One of those tools is my thought-o-meter. I use it to check myself and my thoughts out. In yesterday’s blog, I listed a few common thought no-no’s. Today and tomorrow I am going to unpack a couple that I have had to work on changing.

The work of Byron Katie is great for this, you should check her out. But I also have discovered that my lack of creativity in my thought life means that if I pay attention, I notice my self-defeating thoughts without much effort. If I pay attention!! So - you can do this!!

I have learned that I practice habits but I do not regularly evaluate them for effectiveness. I used to think I needed to walk 10,000 steps per day or I might drop dead from a heart attack any minute. Today, I understand that there is no one right way to keep our bodies healthy. 10,000 steps is awesome, but we do not have to get out the nitroglycerine if instead of walking we decide to garden or ride a bike or lift weights.

What habits in all their many forms are you overly dependent on? Are you sure they are accomplishing what you want them to? Are there other options that are equally effective? Variety is indeed the spice of life! Are you spicy enough to have a joy-filled life?