Listening Well

FYI- this is part of a series on how to live out our faith in a positive way. Click here to get caught up.

Part of living out our faith in a positive way is to create, build, and sustain meaningful connections with others. In so doing we reflect the image of God and, hopefully, pass some of his love on to the world around us. A huge part of establishing connections is done through listening.

We all know at this point the old adage that goes something like, “Are you listening or just waiting to talk?”

Listening well is more than being quiet and more than being curious. It’s the process of discovering another person’s perspective through attentiveness, asking questions, and experimenting with reflecting what you hear to see if it resonates with the other person. Good listening isn’t just hearing what’s there- it’s a collaborative process where the speaker, too, discovers more about themselves than what they’ve been saying.

If you’re not sure where to get started, try this. After someone shares something with you about themselves, say something like, “Let me see if I’ve got this right…” and then summarize what you’ve heard in your own words. This will allow the other person to clarify anything that hasn’t quite landed or to affirm that you’ve gotten things right- which means they will feel validated.

Rethinking Our Mission

I used to be a little bit (not a lot, but a little bit) judgmental of people who presented faith in a way that was too friendly. I mean, I’ve always wanted faith to seem approachable. I’ve never wanted it to seem like it was hidden behind a gate that only “the good” could get past. But I’ve always felt like accountability was important. I never cared for approaches that seemed to overlook the importance of things like accountability, confession, and the like.

These things are still important to me today- but I’m thinking about them a bit differently. I used to think that people wouldn’t hold themselves accountable…that we needed someone from the outside to remind us of the things that we needed to confess or take accountability over. This is what is changing for me. Over time I realize that most people are *very aware* of their struggles, shortcomings, character flaws, or misgivings.

Because of this, I no longer think we should be demanding people spend more time thinking about their flaws. I think we should be encouraging people that it’s okay to be flawed and that, if we support each other, we can move past them.

Again, it’s not that I don’t think accountability and confession are important- I’m just rethinking what they look like. I think we need both. But I think we first need an environment where we feel free to look inside and share without fear of being excluded.

To be continued…

Complete the Stress Cycle…

I often think about what it was like for my grandparents to live during the Great Depression. I understand that we are all feeling the stress of the pandemic, and it is bad, but what about living through a pandemic or war without air conditioning, reliable transportation, the internet, television, or access to food or a paycheck? That must have been brutal. My grandparents considered themselves lucky. Embedded in large families on both sides, among them they figured it out. My grandfather had a paycheck, his cousins had farms. He could give them money and they could supply him with food. Someone usually had some means of transportation for the clan, and they would ferry and barter and deliver goods among them. They survived.

Lately, I've been wondering if in the long run, they might be better off than many of us will be post pandemic because of the way they handled their stressors: they were able to complete their stress cycle. They had a need, they figured out who could meet it, they found ways to return the favor.

During the pandemic of 2020, 2021, etc., can we say the same? Does our stress cycle ever end? We are fighting about different political viewpoints but we are not leaning in and collectively serving one another - even if we disagree. This is not universally true. My friends Carolyn and Linda have put their nursing skills into good use and vaccinated the unvaccinated. My doctor tries to help me make sense of all the conflicting reports about best medical practices for living in a pandemic. My neighbor promised me that if we ran out of toilet paper, her stash was so large that she would share with me if needed. But as a collective, I do NOT think we are completing our stress cycles as the waves of stressors roll over us. We are not being as careful with our relationships as I think the situation warrants. We are escalating rather than de-escalating our stress.

I bet you wonder what a stress cycle is and how you might complete it. Stay tuned. We'll figure it out!

Get Rid of Your False Limitations!

"You know, I've decided to move to Delaware," announces my new friend as Pete and I gather our rackets and head to the sweltering tennis courts.

"Why Delaware?" I ask, dragging my feet so that I can hear any words she wants to share.

"Lower taxes."

"Lower taxes? Interesting. Do you know anyone in Delaware?" I ask.

"No, why do I need to know anyone to move to a new place? I didn't know anyone when we moved here from Connecticut. I managed. But I don't like the heat here. And the skiing isn't great here - better up north - and Delaware is closer." She scowls and seems to think that perhaps she has over-estimated me.

"Closer?"

"Closer to good skiing!"

"What do your kids think about your moving to Delaware?"

"They don't like the idea. It'll make it hard for them to get in my business. They keep wanting a key to my house and I tell them, 'You don't need a key to my house; I don't have a key to yours and I don't want one either!' "

In a world where most of us focus our attention on what we are afraid we will lose or never achieve, this little lady scans the horizon for new adventures. Who knows if she will move or not, but I would not bet against her. Isn't there something glorious about a woman who, at her age, still believes that new adventures await her? I love that so much!

So what about you? What false limitations are you placing on your own wild and precious life? Is it possible that you have a new adventures waiting for you?

Later that evening, sitting down on the dock and staring across a lake whose surface is smooth as glass, I marvel at the human heart's capacity to find kinship in spite of our differences.

A Tiny Exquisite Moment…

As I listen to my new friend, Pete is providing enough information for us to apply for a loan or get a security clearance so we might play tennis in sweltering heat with an inevitable outcome - I will lose. I hope they take their time because I have a feeling this gal has a story she is itching to share. And really, don't we all? I know sometimes it seems like our own lives are bland compared to what we read on facebook. But listen - Facebook is not real, it is a vehicle used to advertise things we do not need but feel we must have to be happy. What's real are these stories! These marvelous, rich, amazing stories of everyday flesh and blood people whom we come in contact with randomly...for a purpose.

I pray for you a long line today. I hope you meet a stranger who tells you a marvelous and wondrous tale. Or maybe you are the stranger who will tell your story to another and in the sharing there will be a little spark of recognition, a glimmer of essence, a tiny exquisite moment of joy in the seeing of another creature, made in the very image of God.