Waiting in Lines…

"You need to write a book about all the stories people tell you while we are waiting in lines," said Pete. He has a point.

I countered, "If I wrote THAT book, I would call it..."PLEASE Keep Telling Me Your Stories," which did not thrill him. He is not as big a fan of the long and winding road one travels when listening to a stranger. But I love every mile.

People are so interesting. They have so much to share!

When I was sad and lonely, depressed and anxious, it was hard for me to show up for listening. I tried. I did my best because this is a core value of mine. But for me, and maybe I'm just weird (ok, I am weird), listening requires a certain kind of spiritual presence. We can learn how to improve our listening skills and fall back on those when needed. Sometimes that is the best we can do. But it is an anemic substitute for the pure joy that comes when I fall head over heels in love with someone else's story.

When I am not sad, lonely, depressed and anxious, one of my favorite things is listening to the stories people share. I will do it under any condition (the aforementioned sad, lonely, depressed and anxious) but when I am able to bring my healthiest self to the conversation, oh the joy!

Tomorrow, have I got a story for you!

Going Deeper (In Your Conversations)

Sometimes conversations “fail” (too strong of a word, but you’ll see what I mean in a second) not because something bad has happened but because they are unsatisfying. We’re not getting to the places we want to with our friends, loved ones, spouses, etc. Why do we struggle to deepen conversations?

I don’t know that there’s a clear answer to that question. One of the things I notice, though, is that sometimes we try too hard. Sometimes we think a better, more interesting topic is going to be the thing that deepens a conversation. Sometimes we think it’s being relatable by sharing similar stories about ourselves in response to stories our conversation partner is telling us.

These are certainly not “wrong” by any means. But sometimes a simpler approach helps a conversation explore new depths. Asking “open-ended” questions can be just the thing we need.

What is an open-ended question? It’s a question that does not have a “yes” or “no” (or otherwise one word) answer. A few examples:

“How are you feeling about that?”

“What do you think you’re going to do next?”

“How do you manage your anxiety?”

These are all examples of questions that serve as a “launching point” for the other person to share more about what is going on with themselves. If people are being offered the opportunity to share more, then the conversation has a chance to deepen.

And let us consider each other carefully for the purpose of sparking love and good deeds. 25 Don’t stop meeting together with other believers, which some people have gotten into the habit of doing. Instead, encourage each other, especially as you see the day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:24-25, CEB

Selfish? I Think Not!

I am not a fan of the old, worn out belief that AA and other mutual aid societies promote a selfish program, although I understand the sentiment. A husband who regularly pulled his wife out of pubs and honky tonks in the wee hours of the morning laments, “It used to be that my wife was never around because of her drinking; now she’s always at a meeting.”

In the short term, this husband sees no difference between his wife in the midst of her SUD and in recovery - where is she? He has a point but I think misses the potential for change. This program changes us; it wakes us up spiritually; we become more decent human beings. At first the program may feel arduous and time-consuming. It needs to be. We are working hard to manage early recovery post acute withdrawal symptoms. We are learning new skills. We need to establish and deepen a support system. Eventually - this wife can show up more fully present in her home.

This is not being selfish; this is learning how to treat a potentially fatal disease.

I had a guy tell me this was a selfish program because members help others because it helps themselves. According to him, this is selfish. We need to do things from a pure motivation he says and anything short of pure love is useless. I heard what he said but still scratched my head over the sentiment. OF COURSE this work helps both the giver and the receiver. Antibiotics helped me get over a sinus infection last month but no one called me selfish for taking them! Now, if the ONLY reason we work a 12th step is to benefit ourselves, I assure you, it will not last. But if it takes this understanding of the benefits of the work for us to get started? Who can argue with such reasoning? It’s ok to start with a mixed motive.

If we stick with this work long enough, it will occur to us that we better do so without expectations of reward or compensation. Because let me tell you - oftentimes, there is no reward or compensation. And that is as it should be. Many of the people who tried to help me pre-recovery received no benefit from their efforts. In fact, they usually ended up having to endure my baloney. Today, I see how each foray into the jungle of my dark lost mind with the intent to rescue was a breadcrumb that eventually led me out of the darkness and toward the light. But none of the breadcrumb droppers know that!

Sharing, even in the face of heartbreak, gives us a new set of problems.