When is Enough, Enough?

One of the questions I began to ask myself in the face of some pretty harsh conditions was this one: "How much more do I have to do before I've done enough?" This is a great question to ask when we are under a lot of stress, especially if we have wise companions to help us sort out our confusion. "Done enough," might best be understood as thinking about living out our core values and sacrificing for them. This is a good thing; but it can also be quite destructive. The gift of the pandemic and family suffering for me was coming to realize that I was doing the wrong stuff for the right reasons.

If my life and spiritual path and love for scientific data taught me that personal freedom and chocolate cake for breakfast leads to a fulfilling life, then I am quite sure my goals for myself would look different. I would have, perhaps, become a baker who refuses to work according to anyone else's schedule. But this is not what life and the pursuit of faithfulness has taught me. For me, what I happen to believe is that a meaningful life requires that we all find a way to connect to something larger than ourselves. I assume this will be hard and not always fun.

Years ago, I noticed how hard it was for people in recovery or in need of recovery to fit into some of the traditional environments for meaningful connection. I was in a position to participate in changing this dynamic and it felt like a worthy goal to me as a woman who grew up in a family that could have used this kind of community but never found one. I still believe and support this dream.

When I thought my work included helping others find a meaningful life and provide them the tools to accomplish it, I was a failure. And presumptuous too. But once I burned out, I realized that my success was not dependent on convincing others how to do hard things; my truest goal is to be present for people who are having a hard life. My desire is to continue to show up because it is who I am. This shift is seismic. I am not responsible for making it easy for people to be faithful; I am responsible for being a faithful person.

I cannot tell you how much added stress I have heaped on myself over the years because I had this misguided notion that somehow I was supposed to be helpful to people in this particular way. I have quit this life of hoping that if I try hard enough others will try hard too. I do not plan to return.

Showing Up as an Act of Courage

Dr. Willimon challenges us in his body of work and his life to accept the offer of living out our calling in all the roles in our life. This calling has certain parameters, based on who did the calling. I believe that my calling comes from God - an external agent, someone who tapped me on my shoulder and I responded, "Yes. I will follow you." Now, it can be argued that I had no clue what this would entail. Fair enough. But still, I made a commitment. I also dream. I mean literally. I have dreams. Some of them, once in a great while, feel like God's hand on my shoulder. Once I had that experience, whether or not I enjoyed my purposeful life every day became a moot point. Now this is a freaky story, and it is ok if you don't believe it. I really don't need you to believe it because I know it is as real and true as sacred as the feeling that comes when I eat peanut butter out of a jar with a spoon. Heavenly! But this is a freaky story warning.

For the last four and a half years I have been in an enormously powerful estranged relationship with someone I love. He's disappointed in me. I've continued to wrestle with how I feel about him. Until last night. I had a dream. In the dream, Pete, the kids and I were packing to sneak away from what I perceived was a dangerous situation involving this person. I have this thought in my head that we have to escape on the sly because our life is in peril. In the dream this person who I am estranged from in real life tells me that he has been fired from his job and his "sketchy" behavior has been all about trying to protect me from this knowledge. So maybe he is not dangerous, maybe I misread the scenario - I think in my dream.

I go over to comfort him. I pull him into my arms, I rub and pat his back, and I tell him, "Do not let people who cannot see your worth put a price on your value." He weeps. I hold.

And then I add..."We have to pack up and go home now. I cannot be here anymore. I do not know if you, who cannot see your own worth, have the capacity to see mine. I do not know if you can reflect back to me my value. I am going not because I do not love you; I have to leave because I cannot be courageous and live my own life in a meaningful way unless I am surrounded by people who value me." And then I woke up.

I understood. I was given from an outside source (I think it was God's Spirit) clarity for what has haunted me for four and a half years. Part of this estrangement has been about safety for me. And I always wondered - why do you feel so unsafe that you have to hide? I have my reasons but I think today I see it through another lens of knowing. I do not have to hide; I have to choose. I have to be courageous and faithful. I have to move towards something - my life as a person of faith. I must practice it. I must practice what I believe which is that we are all inherently worthy and that our value is not dependent on others' assessment of us. We are not a house that requires a yearly tax based on how much we could be sold for in the marketplace. If I believe that FOR others, I must also require it for myself as a condition of connection.

I have experienced the external sense of determination Willimon speaks of - there are moments when God puts his hand on our shoulder and leads us beside quiet waters, he refreshes our souls, he guides us along the right paths. It may be a quiet nudge in a dream; it may be a moment of clarity; it may be a sense of calling; it may eventually lead to a meaningful life. But our God is a God who can work with what we bring to him. And so, I have to ask, what kind of fool would I be to not heed his call?

Day 25: The Power of Soul Friends

It seems like it should be easy to show up for the people we love. I’m just not that great at it. It helps me to learn new ways of being, so that I can do better. One thing I have learned over the years is the importance of having the capacity to see the person as they really are, not who we wish them to be. This requires the wherewithal to hold their potential and their problem areas in tension – accepting both the possibilities for their life and the present day realities in a loving, if sometimes uneasy tension.

In his book, Sacred Companions, David Benner writes:

“Spiritual friends are soul friends. This means that they care for each other as whole people, not simply as spiritual beings. Soul friends become spiritual friends when they seek to help each other attend and respond to God.”

I love Benner’s word choices. What more beautiful way can we assist (or receive aid ourselves) when we are overcome than to have a friend who will help us attend and respond to God? Now, the truth is, hurting people do not always know or even want to attend and respond to God. No problem. They’re hurting. They do not need to wrestle with that just now. But a soul friend can know that and show up as a God representative. A soul friend shows up and bears witness to the unseen but clearly known stickers plastered to their friend’s heart that read: FRAGILE - HANDLE WITH CARE. And, THIS SIDE UP.

Attending and responding to God may involve asking more questions than it does giving instruction. It may require more encouragement than exhortation (certainly both are appropriate but soul friends have the discernment to know when to use what as a way of helping others). Notice the emphasis – it is providing a space in the life of a hurting person that enables them to listen to God more than focus on how to fix the problem at hand. They do not have to be acutely aware that it is God they are focusing on; it’s ok for them to think that it was their friend that made them a cup of hot tea and served them three gingerbread men with extra frosting. It feels like a cool breeze is blowing through my heart when I think of the delicious possibilities that soul friendship presents each of us.

Lord, teach us how to be this kind of friend to those who welcome it.

A Community of Lovingkindness...

When our house was wallopped by a hurricane THE SECOND TIME, it really got us good. It nailed all our vehicles, flattened our garage (leaving two walls and windows perfectly intact on the ground), and punched through our master bathroom leaving an easy exit from the second floor if you were Spider Man. Tons of people in our state faced similar situations.

But we had something that not everyone has: community. Our insurance agent Bugsy took Pete’s call and gave him great advice - which was to call our friend Steve. Our friend Steve called his friend the tree guy and we were the third person on his list. Word spread and soon the Norton family brought us a car to use, Myra brought us a cooler of water, someone grabbed our dead cellphones and recharged them. Pete’s mom offered Michael and his friend Ryan shelter from no technology so they would not miss whatever sporting event they were currently obsessing over. My brother offered to drive up from Atlanta with his chainsaw, which was sweet and just goes to show you had to be here to really grasp the magnitude of the size of that tree and the scope of the damage. Meals arrived and more help was provided; within a couple of days we were out of shock and on the road to restoration.

I am pretty sure every single human that helped us out had (and has) wildly different political perspectives and even religious convictions. But they showed up, each and every one of them, with their version of a tuna casserole. I am also quite sure I never got around to writing thank you notes. For that, I am sorry.

When I think back over the decades to the people who just keep showing up when I am in need, I find they have one thing in common. They are familiar with suffering. They have known grief.

Maybe, just maybe, if we sit and breathe and ask God to show us the way...maybe the losses and griefs and sufferings and setbacks that we are each experiencing during this unprecedented time in history can be used as fuel to inspire lovingkindness in us.

What is distracting you?

Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals and reptiles.

~ Romans 1:23

Take a pause and journal or make a list or consult with your sponsor or spiritual director. Ask for feedback. Give yourself time to really think about this:

In what ways are you chasing after free cheesecake?

What distracts you from living with more intention?

How can you find the peace that comes when our resolutions align with our core values and intentions for life?

I remember a conversation I had many years ago with a young woman who was having a devil of a time stringing sobriety days together. She was extremely frustrated with her family’s reaction to her relapses. She felt they had turned cold toward her. They no longer were willing to “share in her suffering” after a relapse. They were done talking about it and they were unwilling to act as if she was sustaining long term recovery. They stopped counting on her; they stopped expressing sorrow when she didn’t show up for a family event. She was livid. She felt this showed a lack of Christian love. She felt they were not working a solid recovery program. She talked about all her experience in treatment, and waxed eloquent about what everyone around her was doing to ruin her recovery experience.

She had no clue how foolish her words sounded. Although she had access to a strong recovery support network, she exchanged that opportunity (privilege really) for the chance to blame others.

Are there any exchanges that you are making? At what cost?