Resolutions and Purpose...

Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas this year? Are you satisfied, yet? Anyone drink too much at a family gathering and insult a guest or a sibling? How well did you eat? I’m not referring to how much; I’m talking about how well? Did you pig out on stuffing and sweet potatoes, pecan pie, and coconut cake? Have you started to think about how big your charge card bill will be when you open it in January?

Did the coronavirus, or fights over the Presidential election at Thanksgiving, change the composition of your holiday invite list?

Are you beginning to bargain? Are you promising yourself next year will be different? More controlled? Fewer regrets?

“My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.”

Isaiah 46:9-11

I hear people say all the time that they’re done with making resolutions; no more for them! What I suspect they mean is that they’ve lost hope of finding solutions to their problems. Past performance demonstrates that nothing will ever change, so they stop trying. I want you to know that simply because you haven’t found a solution in the past does not mean there isn’t one. If you have some area in your life that you know is incongruent with God’s big dream for you, then I promise you: a solution is available. God’s purposes stand. He purposes and plans for you to have a decent life stands. If you’ve got something that’s holding you back, find someone who once had the same issue and ask them to share their experience, strength, and hope. Then do the next right thing.

What Are You Missing?

“Courage is contagious. A critical mass of brave leaders is the foundation of an intentionally courageous culture. Every time we are brave with our lives, we make the people around us a little braver and our organizations bolder and stronger.”

Brene Brown

We live in troubling times, to deny that is just silly. But I wonder what else we are denying, missing or ignoring that is beyond silly and is downright foolish. Want to change the culture? We can start with being “brave with our lives”!

When I deny my responsibility to be part of the solution, I am diminishing myself and the God who made me. Michelle took responsibility for her life and it helped her husband evaluate his life too.

When I believe that my opinions might hold sway with another, I am distracting myself from the work of holding people when they stumble and sway. Kevin had many issues that sunk him into a depression he was self-medicating. Once he sought some outside help, many voices reminded him of how much he was loved and deserved care.

When I ask for the world to ease my anxiety and “be better,” I am asking the wrong question and directing it at the wrong people. I am responsible for my feelings and I can only ask myself to evaluate and execute the call to “be better” by “doing better” - which no doubt must look different for each one of us. Ultimately, I am in awe of Michelle and Kevin and their friends. They all played a part in renewing all the relationships that were involved.

When I ask you to change, I am rude. Michelle’s request for Kevin to change caused resentment, her willingness to name her own needs led to change.

When I refuse to hear your request for me to change, I am missing an opportunity to learn. Kevin could have refused to negotiate, but he didn’t!

Often in relationships change will be a two-way street. But when we keep making it about the other person, we really are heading for a collision.

Seeking Solutions

“I believe that what we regret most are our failures of courage, whether it’s the courage to be kinder, to show up, to say how we feel, to set boundaries, to be good to ourselves. For that reason, regret can be the birthplace of empathy.”

Brene Brown

Brene has taught kazillions of her listeners that we are all doing the best we can. That may not be particularly effective or good, but she urges us to assume people are doing the best they can. This cuts down on judgment - which is always a good thing.

When Michelle showed up with her list of needs, the negotiation began in earnest but without fighting. Together, they decided the following:

1. They would get couple’s counseling to work through this issue. (The therapist eventually suggested individual therapy for Kevin and he agreed. It was received much better from an “expert” than if his wife had suggested it.)

2. Kevin would get sober curious. He chose to take a 30 day hiatus from all drinking and just see what happened.

3. They bought gym equipment for their house and began daily quarantine walks - which, it turns out - made it easier for them to open up with each other. Something they had been missing but had not realized.

4. Michelle agreed to not ask any questions about his drinking, his therapy or EVER mention that golf trip again.

5. And Kevin, God love him, went and made amends to his friends. The husbands and the wives.

As of this writing, Kevin is 120 days sober, has lost a few pounds, and is now pursuing a career change. It turns out that he wants to be a little less productive as a rainmaker and more present for his family. It’s not all perfect, but it is so much better than it was at the start of 2020. See? Not everything about this year is a bust, cause this family is thriving!

* Dare to dream. What solution do you seek? What is your problem to address?